Joke of the Week

"I know the human being and the fish can coexist peacefully."

George W. Bush
Saginaw, Michigan 9/26/2000

Surf Over! - Every Monday
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Resolutions
 
 
"When my term as Mayor of--still the most wonderful city on this earth--ends, I vow to make even more personal appearances than I have in the last year, and get paid top dollar for them, no more freebies. That and I would like to study Buddhism, maybe start planting a few trees, find out if life exists on other planets."
"I am going to improve my spelling, and work harder to figure out a better name for the 'evil-doers'. I also want to start taking Tai-Chi, should any of the evil-doers try to harm Laura or me. And I will find the correct hole for the round peg!"
(Translated) "Stop living in caves. Have more children. Free Dirty Ole Bastard of the Wu Tang Clan. Work on getting my poetry published by Random House."
"I am going to get the number from Michael Jackson, once and for all, for his plastic surgeon. In 2002 I would like to be totally white."
"Use my excellent ATT commercials to segue into a sitcom or put a bullet through my head. Bet you'd like to see the latter. Well, so would my mom! So you're not alone. Remember to call! 1-800-BLOW-ME. Hehehe."
"I promised myself that I would take the gloves off and stop being a ballbuster. Sorry, Tommy, I'll always love you. I also would like to punch up my career by going on more late night talk shows and flashing my firm titties to horny hosts. Oh yeah, I would love to get a pet gerbil or two, and work more with my own evolution as a higher spiritual being, and shop less!"
"We would like to work our way to Monday nights instead of the CBS appointed Fridays. To us, it just doesn't make sense, why not be called First Friday then?"
"That's it. No more lesbian. Uh-huh. Not gonna do it anymore. Bad career move. Going straight. Any takers???"
"Not to kill any punkass at this year's Super Bowl party. Of course if I do, I get off anyway. I'm the talent. Don't ever forget it, bitch."
"This year I pledge to work more with the starving children of East Africa, renew my contract with Glad Cling Wrap, and get a new tampon named after me:
The Stay Free Britney.
"Ha, ha, real funny. So I screwed up. It's only because I was a drunk 24/7, otherwise I would have never felt up those little girls, my little girls. This year, no more alcohol whatsoever. Now it's strictly heroin."
"Get Madam Cleo to convince the world I am innocent. Retire to a sunny state where I can work on my golf game."
"No more hookers, going bankrupt. Would love to do dinner theatre in Miami. Find a good pair of stilts, stop the bad habit of resting my pinky on my lips. Fuck over Mike Myers somehow for leaving me out of Austin Powers 3. Spread more of my 'little people' love to the world."
"I would like to find someone besides my mother to play my tuba for. I have been working on something other than Cumbaya for years; for that one special moment when I find the woman who will bring music not only to my ears, but my heart."
"I'd like to kick my habit of white women and move on to white men. When does Gary Condit get here? If the Juice ain't bi, he ain't fly!"
 
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