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Political 411

WASHINGTON - It's Christmas time in the city...and that means Trent Lott has only one carol left to sing...

"You're a mean one....Mr. Bush."

And..This Dweeb Just In...

"The only thing that Mr. Lott and I have in common is the same barber. Oh yeah, and our love for fried chicken, watermelon and the Coloreds."

"How dare he call them coloreds! 'Round here in the South, we call them *#*#*&# ."

WASHINGTON - That Darn Iraq
In a shocking news announcement, President Bush said that Saddam Hussein missed his last chance to "come clean with the world" after Iraq allegedly failed to comply with U.N. weapon's inspectors...OK, Saddy, one question: Is your mail being delivered by the Camel Express?

Or maybe you just failed to read between the subtle lines?

WASHINGTON D.C. -Dog's Best Friend
Hey Kids! Check out the White House' website "Barney-cam'' yet? The site drew the third biggest draw eva for the da people in da house. Pictured below is a "still" from the PG-13 version...

"Did I ever tell you what a wonderful dog you are, Barney?"

And for $29.95 a month, the X-rated version...

"Did I ever tell you what a wonderful boner you have, Barney?"
Entertainment 411

LOS ANGELES - Kind of sucks that after years of pointing the finger at everyone but herself, Dr. Loudra is finally forced to get her own f*cked up house in order.

"I looked in the mirror and said to myself: My mother was a freak. Who cares who really whacked the bitch. Anyway, I'm ready for my close up, Mr. Soprano."

NEW YORK - Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Get Lost Please
Liza and Puppet Gest (his lips move, she farts) have decided to sue VH-1 because the Network backed out on the couple's reality series after shooting only one episode. In their defense, VH-1 claims Gest was a control freak and impossible to work with. In their offense, Liza claims he's just a freak.

OK, it's Christmas time, people: Can we all just pitch in ONE DOLLAR a piece and help VH-1 make these two pathetic clowns go away quickly? So we're not subjected to a whole year of E! going Wild On them.

"Surely you, Gest--I mean, jest. What if I caught cancer, what about the series then? I would do it to lift the morale of my people--those five gay men in Frisco who still adore me."

THAILAND - Him Ready to Sucky-sucky Hollywood Now
Soft-porn actor and winner of Survivor Thailand also took home another prize: The John Tesh Sexiest Clone Award...

"As evidenced by some of my fine movies--like 'The Bearded Butt Boy'--I'll do more than shave for your attention, Hollywood."

HOLLYWOOD -Lord of the Popcorn

In addition to setting the all-time one day Box Office record on Friday, Lord of the Rings also set the record for the longest popcorn line at a single screening on a day when the moon was in its seventh house, between the hours of two and two-fifteen in the afternoon, when a famous filmmaker with really f*cking bushy eye brows was seeing the reality of what his film was up against...

"I see dead people...and those are just the lowly junior studio executives that I am going to pin my possible failure on."

All right, all right. How can anything with Cameron Diaz in it be deemed a failure, you ask? Of course, the last time her hair looked this good in a film, it was sporting Ben Stiller's Secret Sauce in it.

Other 411

MIAMI - And now a Christmas greeting from Rose McMurphy, the chairwoman of the National Group of Parents Against the Commercialization of Santa Claus...

"Ba hum bug."

CUBA - Plop Plop Fizz Fizz
At the annual Commie Cuban Christmas Bash, Sir Fidel reacts when Elian breaks ranks to lead the entire nation in a rendition of the Mickey Mouse Theme Song...

"Aye carumba...you can take the boy out of the Americas, but...damn, I should have had his tongue cut out."

IOWA -" Roll Out the Barrel..."
And for her Christmas present, Daddy's gonna buy her more than a rocking chair. How about a f*cking wheel barrel?

"As long as he doesn't wheel me face down, I'm cool."

UKRAINE - Here Comes the Sun
Because the future of the Ukrainian Olympic Swim Team rests in their hands, a Christmas vacation is out of the question for this group of inmates...

"Me take banana out of shorts yet?"

And Now a Message from the Love Boat:

"Yo, Saddam the Sandflea,
Do not pass go or ride through the desert on a horse with no name to try to escape us, because our horse has a name: 'Scud', and it will find you.
Happy Kwanza Day."

For all of you celebrating Christmas--or as it's known to Evildoers: Decadence Day--enjoy yourselves. Drink, eat and be daffy. We'll see you next year.

-Comedy Ave.

© 2002-2003 Comedy Avenue Productions. All rights reserved. Steal our stuff and make money off it, you die a fiery death--no 72 virgins either.