Joke of the Week

"I thought how proud I am to be standing up besides my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists."

George W. Bush
Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000

Surf Over! - Every Monday
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Read My Lips


The sins of the father were visiting upon the son this week when Dubya uttered the immortal words of Papa Smurf Bush: "Read my lips: there will be no new taxes." The president went on to say that, "We are too busy rounding up evil-doers to start in on tax increases... especially for the big Texas oil companies, that Cheney and I have stock in. We need to focus our energy on pummeling other countries that harbor these evil-doer people until every last evil-doer in the entire world is captured. This country isn't about taxes and poverty and health care, it's about freedom. Freedom to be able to play with our children in the streets. Freedom to be able to take our families to church on Sundays. Heck, freedom to be able to be stupid and oily enough to get elected president."

Tyson Channeling More Rage


Mike Tyson, recently in Cuba to find his "other self," went nuts in a hotel lobby when he was confronted by several reporters who wanted to know if there was any truth to the rumor that Tyson is having an ongoing affair with psychic, Madam Cleo. Tyson, who Cleo convinced is the reincarnation of Che Guevara, responded by pulling two crystal balls out of his pants and began throwing them at reporters, while simultaneously screaming out insults in English, Spanish, and Quackery, thereby answering their question.


Hires New Model

Gap recently signed their latest model to be part of the new "Give a Little Bit" campaign. The model will be edited into the next set of commercials that feature rock stars singing and playing along to Supertramp's original song. Mr. Tex-ass, as he calls himself, will chime along with the instrument of his choice: the spoons.

A President and His Dog


Former President Clinton's dog, the beloved Buddy, was killed this week when he ran into Chappaqua, N.Y. traffic. A suicide note was later found at the Clinton's home that read: "I just can't adjust to the New York lifestyle. All the territory is already marked up by winos, strays and crackheads, and my Master and I no longer have the golden ticket for chasing tail the way we did at the White House. Forget fire hydrants, Where is a leg in a blue dress when you need to hump it?"


When President Bush and his faithful dog Spot were informed of the tragedy, Spot spoke for the both of them, "Our hearts go out to the Clinton's in this time of excruiatingly painful grief for their family. And trust me when I say, the only tail being chased at the White House these days, is my own...and it's really short."


The Mouth is Mightier Than the Penn


If thespian Sean Penn had his way, he would round up the troops and begin dropping bombs on talk show hosts. Penn recently ranted to Talk Magazine that, "I think that people like the Howard Sterns, the Bill O'Reillys, and to a lesser degree the bin Ladens of the world, are making a horrible contribution.'' He continued on to say, "There's a long history of people who capitalize on the lowest common denominator of people's impulses. Adolf Hitler being one of them. Not everybody wants to hit the wall in a violent rage and break their knuckles, so he does it for them."

When the bad boy was asked how his own violent knuckle-breaking tendencies differ from the above, Penn replied, "Oh shut the hell up you motherf*cker, before I put this cigarette through your eye ball, yank it out with my fingers, do a Wolf Gang Puck on it, and eat it for lunch."


O'Reily took it all with a grain of salt after he received a phone call from Penn's ex-wife, Madonna, telling him not to worry...unless of course he gets a funny looking package in the mail with the return address of: Osama Penn Laden, Hollywood, California.
N'Sync Blows Hollywood


George Lucas has agreed to cast the five boy band'ers from N'Sync in the next installment of Star Wars. It was reported that Lucas was swayed into the decision by his two young adopted daughters, but a spokeswoman for Lucas says, "that didn't have anything to do with it." Next theory is that the N'Stink holes went to another producer of the movie and offered "favors," asking for roles because they are big fans. Either way, they're in, playing background extras in the film's climactic battle scene, where they will be blown up by battle droids...thank god at least aliens know how to deal with lip-N'sync-ing schmaltz mongers.

Sex & the City... Bitching and Moaning into the New Year

The over-the-hill gang is back, and this time more pissier than ever. In the first episode, after Samantha is tired of getting turned down for nookie by every fireman and policeman in town, she decides to get a sex change, telling her cauldron of bitter wenches, "If you can't beat em', join em', girlfriend." She then offers to step up to the the plate and play stunt c*ck for Trey, causing Charlotte to run off and join the nunnery. After shocking Char, she then sets her eyes on Carrie, telling her, "I'm Mr. Big now, honey. Mr. Big Nine Inches. See it and weep."


But Carrie opts to stick with Aidan, and spends the entire season--trying to hide from the camera the fact that she is getting haggard and leathery looking--caking on more make-up than Tammy Faye Baker at a Tallahassee beauty pageant.

In a related story, Parker's real life husband, Matthew Broderick is said to be annoyed at Carrie's ongoing trysts on the show, and therefore close to "producing" something other than just stage magic with his current Broadway flame, Nathan Lane. Springtime won't only be for Hitler if Parker doesn't play her hand right.
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