Joke of the Week

"There's a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.' "

George W. Bush
Boston, MA. Oct. 3, 2000

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No More Beating Around the Bush, Enron-Gate is Here

When asked how big a pile of dung he and a few of his close pals are in over the recently revealed Enron Scandal, George W. Bush responded eloquently when he said, "Ahhhh…this much?"

When prodded further about his "problem,"
Bush, referring to the difference between himself and Bill Clinton's "problem" with Monica-Gate, replied, "Mine's only about this big..."

"But don't misunderestimate how I can use it. I say it before and I say it again: it's quality, not quantity."

Hours later a photo was leaked from unnamed sources--Deep Throat II?--of Bush being corralled by recent winner of the annual Worst Dressed List, host of the Weakest Link, Anne Robinson...

Mistress Anne, who was described by self-proclaimed fashion cop Mr. Blackwell as looking like Harry Potter in drag, may be just getting ready to administer the Heimlich maneuver.

Speaking of Bush...

Former ice skating champion, Brain Boitano was dropped from his appearances on Showtime's Queer as Folk after executives weren't happy with his appearance in a recent Jack n' the Box commercial. Executives were worried that Boitano is sending the wrong kind of message to their viewers by appearing out in the "bush," hunting with former crackhead and football star, Lawrence Taylor. Number one, they believe that Boitano shouldn't be advocating any kind of bush, and two, the only hunting for crack he should be doing is on their television show.

Connubial Bliss & Bunk

Charlie Sheen has allegedly sworn off his bad boy hooker habits, burned all the old bed sheets, and asked for actress, Denise Richards' hand in connubial bliss. The couple plans to wed in Vegas with none other than Heidi Fleiss as a bridesmaid. They then plan to honeymoon in Amsterdam so Sheen will feel right at home should he get the itch to go out for a smoke or fellatio.

Sheen offered to give his Little Black Book to Michael Jordan as a testament that his wild man days are behind him. His Airness, who has bunk troubles of his own after wife Juanita recently filed for divorce, declined to comment, but did turn around and score 54 and 49 points on consecutive nights, leading to speculation that the Black Book is helping Supermike get back to his original form-when groupies, hookers and 50 point nights were as common as black guys in the NBA.

Bleeth Powdering Her Nose

Former Baywatch star, Yasmeen Bleeth was recently sentenced to two years probation on cocaine charges. In addition, the judge also ordered her to undergo regular drug tests, serve 100 hours of community service, pay court costs, and stop appearing in any television show that doesn't include her wearing a bikini.
Lord, Can You Get Me an Honest Review

Just in case you haven't yet seen the first installment of the trilogy, Lord of the Rings, you should know that critics (at least one from the Northwest Cable Service) are calling it "the best film of the millennium," while other's (at least one from the Palookaville Free Press) are calling it an "epic of life shattering proportions," while we here at Comedy Ave. are calling it what it really is: F*cking long. We're also calling it: Wallet-rapingly painful with homosexual undertones.

Hey, a movie without an end, that you have to wait two more years for an outcome and spend the interim buying the books, merchandise, videos, action figures, and watching as at least two of the cast members most likely get busted for a felony or have a nervous breakdown… Let's all rush out and buy our advance tickets for Parts II & III now!

Rag, Rag, Rag

Mr. Potato Head is in, as is the Hula Hoop, Barbie, the Slinky, and even Silly Putty has made it to the National Toy Hall of Fame. But not Raggedy Ann. The floppy doll with reddish yarn hair, candy heart and red-striped legs has been rejected four times by a panel that selects who goes into the hall. A fifth vote will be announced on March 27, and if Raggedy Ann doesn't make it this time she has vowed to accept the invitation to join the Midol Hall of Fame, where she will be inducted in by members of HBO's Sex in the City.

Samantha: "Oh, come on Carrie, it's for a good cause. Isn't she one of your favorite role models?"

Carrie: "Me and Denise Richards, Anne Robinson, and Yasmeen Bleeth. Yippee."

Amanda: "Oh, get over it. Aunt Flow's coming whether you like it or not."

Samantha: "Speak for yourself, honey."

Charlotte: "Trey says I never rag."

(Eye rolls all around)
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