Joke of the Week

"People make a living donating to sperm banks. Last year I let $500 slip through my fingers.

- Robert Schimmel

Surf Over! - Every Monday
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Bugging Out

A saucy looking George W. Bush had only one comment in regards to the Chinese discovering 27 bugging devices in a U.S. built Boeing jet that was due to be President Jiang Zemen's official presidential plane, "Zemen should just be happy that I had them remove all the pretzels."

"Do I look like an alcoholic to you?"

Zemen is reportedly "seeing red" over the incident, so leave it to one-hit-wonder, Carl Douglas to crank up the reunion tour and break out Kung-Fu Fighting one mo' time.


Jennifer Lopez was recently voted Sexiest Woman in Entertainment, beating out Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie and Dr. Laura, among others. In a related announcement, The U.S. Navy also bestowed the Big Booty of the Year Award on the Diva. They even went as far as to name an aircraft carrier after her--The J. Lo will be used exclusively to penetrate in out of nasty gangsta harbors.

And security was tight this week at the annual Golden Globe Awards. Tightest was the fabric around J. Lo's ass.


"I Write the Songs that Make the Young Butts Cry..."

Pop singer, George Michael is set to debut his first musical in the West End of London this week. The musical penned by the pedophile was originally slated to be called Taboo, but because of minimal advance ticket sales the producers of the show--which is set at an all-boys school in South London-- decided to spice things up and call it The Butt Scouts. Also added will be a "very special" guest appearance by George, to take place in a playground rest room.

And Baby Makes Two?

In a recent interview posted on a gay alliance website, The Queen of Carpet Munch, Ellen Degenres said, "I hope to have at least one child if not more, and I will try to figure out the best way to do that." She continued on to say that she realizes that "the kid is going to have a hard time at school," and then wondered out loud if anyone had the direct line for David Crosby's Sperm Donor Program.

In a related story, 30 patients in London were sent notices from a local hospital informing them that they were pregnant. Which would not be so unusual if the list didn't include six elderly men. Ellen, who was incensed by being left off the list, could not be reached for comment, but David Crosby did phone to let us know that his sperm is still testing negative for drug overdoses.

"My stuff is perfectly clean, man. I've been off the other stuff for years, man. Not even caffeine in my diet!...Sure, you can tell Ellen to call me. I dig her act, man. As long as she loves the sperm she's with, I got no problem there. I can even give her references if that's what she wants, man."

Melissa Etheridge couldn't be reached for comment because she's currently visiting one of her children in rehab.

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And you think you're annoyed over the recent spate of 1-800-CALL-ATT commercials featuring the red-haired Carrot Top? The FBI recently put out an APB for the comedian, wishing to use him as a secret weapon in Afghanistan. Operation Carrot Top will include the dork trying to flush remaining "evil-doers" out of caves.

When evil-doers emerge from the caves, Special Forces will make sure they are equipped with just enough bullets to make sure we never have to witness a 1-800-CARROT TOP commerical ever again.

No Biz Like Showbiz

Fresh from his home-away-from home (rehab), actor Robert Downey Jr. is back in action starring in the film Six Bullets From Now. Which can only mean one thing: The director who hired him must need a good connection. In lieu of the thespian's troubles, the craft service table will be without it's usual supply of crack, dope and heroin. Instead the table will feature only peanuts, pretzels, donuts, snack bars, and a direct hotline to the Betty Ford Center.

This Week on
Sex in the City

Carrie: Well I really wanna win one again.

Samantha: Oh, puhleeze, honey, it's only a contest.

Charlotte: I won the Most Likely to Succeed with Men Award in high school.

Amanda: How can that be?

Charlotte: That's not nice.

Samantha: She wasn't referring to Trey, darling. Although I'm sorry his penis didn't work out for you. I think she means that "success with men" is what I do well.

Carrie: Yeah. If you call success not letting the door hit you on the ass right after the sweat dries.

Samantha: Oh, you're just bitter because you're not going to win a Golden Globe.

Carrie: No, I always win. I'm just bitter because you have yet to catch an STD. I have sex with one guy, one guy, and it seems like I always have a crab farm for Show & Tell.

Samantha: Oh honey, don't feel bad. I don't get the crabs...I get the lobsters.

(cymbal crash)

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