Joke of the Week

The best news about Super Bowl XXXIV wasn't that there was a billion dollar commecial every three seconds, or that Mariah Carey was doped-up on enough anti-depressants to lip-sync marveously through the National Anthem, but that Dennis Miller was given the day off.

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Ho, Ho, Ho, He's Magic...

"They had better get their houses in order!"

The president got tough this week beginning with his State of the Union Address, in which he surprisingly didn't make one reference to Osama bin Laden. He did make one to Ted Kennedy, and it had nothing to do with the two of them taking a dip in the Potomac together.

Dubya showed that he had that magic it quality when he gushed with unbridled confidence, "Right now our country is in a war, an economic recession, and facing unprecedented danger. Yet our State of the Union has never been stronger!" Um, ok, if you say so, George. But when can we see the rabbit, George? Huh, George?

The next day the Prez was off on a pep rally tour of the states, where he repeatedly warned Iran, Iraq, and North Korea that Big Brother is watching and considering opening up a big ole' can of Texas Whoop Ass on them. Film executives at 20th Century Fox were so impressed with Dubya's display of machismo that they immediately phoned his agent with a movie offer.

Mr. Not Stopping the Funk also said that every American should volunteer for two years of service (4000 hours) in their lifetime to help assist our country. No Enron employees lined up for this one, but Shaquille O'Neil did. Rest assured that the Big Aristotle won't be asked to pull any punches from his arsenal.

"Ya know, Shaq, you punch like a girl."
"How about I shove this ball up your ass, George?"

Just so America is 100% clear on this Enron thing, Agent 003 Dick Cheney has absolutely nothing to hide. We repeat, nothing to hide…

"I'll sneak this one by them."

...Unless you count his honorary member-ship in the National Backdoor Biker Club.

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They All Wish They Could Be Jesse's Girl

"God would like you on your knees."

And you know V.P. Cheney has got to be shaking in his leather after he saw who is on the case. But have no fear, The Reverend is only holding hands in unity with Enron employees because he sees one thing: Another possible white woman to add to his flock.

Father's of the Year

"Don't worry we slipped
Reno some more GHB."

Dubya was so ecstatic this week, that someone else's daughter screwed up for a change, that he flew to Florida for just one hug with his brother, Jeb.

Jebthro was in high spirits--probably because he feels he has the fainting Janet Reno whooped in the gubernatorial race--despite the recent bust of daughter Noelle.

"Vote for my dad.
He's a role model. Yeh."

The outgoing and gorgeous looking Noelle Bush was popped after trying to pass off a phony prescription for Xanax at an all night pharmacy. Ms. Bush claims she needed the drug because she was having a panic attack, but an unnamed 7-11 employee reported that the Governor's daughter was frequently seen in the 7-11 parking lot attempting to push pills on teenagers who had one too many Red Bull's in them.

"I not condone selling Xanax in my parking lot, Absolutely no."

Copycat Olympian

"A tampon for my trophy?"

Getting in the Olympic spirit and pulling her own Winona Ryder, former Olympic Gold Medalist, Olga Korbut was arrested on charges of shoplifting $19 worth of items from a supermarket in Norcross, GA. But no jewelry for Olga, only plenty of extra mini-tampons.

Is Clay Henry--inspired by Jared!--deserving of a heroes welcome? Or is he deserving of being strapped to a chair and fed a live buffalo while the rest of us "burger and fry" folks rejoice in watching him balloon all over again. Warning to Subway: Get a new song before we find Clay Henry and Jared and start shoving subs up their asses.

She's So Fine...
Doo Lang, Doo Lang

"I am a woman first."

This just in: Rosie O'Donnell is coming out! No way! Say it ain't so. With a bod like that? In honor of the very special moment in time, Congress voted to have the day declared a national holiday: The Day Rosie Broke a Million Men's Hearts. We have Ellen Degenres on line 2…


"I at least graduated from high school."

Does Meg Ryan have a clever stalker or what? John Michael Hughes, 30, was arrested and charged with unlawful entry after he broke into a home not owned by Meg herself, but Andrea and Tomas Ryan (no relation), showing that this guy has the potential to be a future 411-er.

Hang Down Your Head
Mike Tyson...

"Damn, I'm Hungry."

Go figure, Nevada said no to "Airhead" Mike's request for a fighting license, losing millions of dollars in revenue, and causing Bugsy Siegel to roll over in his grave. Now "Lisping" Mike is trying for Los Angeles, and the only thing that stands between "Carnivore" Mike and the fight going on at the Staples Center is a dentist and the Sizzler All You Can Eat Ear Bar.

I'll Give My Own
Regards to Broadway
"Forgot Dollyworld you seniors, come to NYC."

Jesse "The Doofus" Ventura will not be one of those on hand if the Tyson/Lewis fight should go down. Instead, Mr. Mind will be in NYC preparing for the biographical musical, The Body Ventura. Songs include: "Do You Like the Rolling Stones?" "The Heart is a Muscle," "Hooyah," and "You're Different." Producers have plans to add one new number, "Now That Giuliani is Gone, Send in the Freaks."

I Wanna Be in Pictures

"You'll always love me."

Everyone here at Comedy Ave. was overjoyed last week when it was announced that Britney Spears is going to make her film debut in the movie Crossroads. In her role, the perpetually perky pubescent pop princess does something she's never done before: She gets really pissed off. Oh gosh, no. Mothers hide your daughters, because she's gonna say stuff like ''I'm so sick of the two of you bitching and fighting every damn second of the day!''

Enthralled, we can only think of one word: Nomination…to the PMS Hall of Fame. You go girl.

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