Joke of the Week

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed fun-house rearview mirrors.
- Steven Wright



Surf Over! - Every Monday
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Scandals R' Us

"I tried every trick I know to get him "up" for this.
No luck. Go figure."

The Olympic spirit was alive and well this past week at the Winter Games when roller skating-er-ah-ice skating beautifully followed America's current trend of scandal after judges awarded the Russians a Gold Medal after they were obviously outclassed by the Canadian roller skating team of Sale and Pelltier…After several days of counseling, with Andersen Consulting, it was decided that the Canadians would also receive a Gold Medal and an all-expense paid trip to the nearest polygamist's, where they will be free to choose from the offspring of their choice.

Multi-orgasmic play-by-play announcer Scott Hamilton was so up in arms over the scandal that he had to be rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped…and that's just for the extra curricular activities he engaged in before the competition.

"Sometimes I really do believe I can fly afterwards."

Along the way, a French judge was dismissed after it was revealed that she was "persuaded" to vote for the Russians. We are happy to report that Mr. Chug-a-lug, Scott Hamilton had nothing to do with that particular persuasion.

Ok, so what's with the little teddy bears all these roller skaters hold while waiting for the "judges" to weigh in? And they call this a sport? Why not just call it what it really is: Faeries on Ice.

You'd think that the hockey team would just love to have two minutes in the rink with these fellahs. Think "Prison Bitch," with Scott Hamilton on hand to soothe fragile sphincters.

Dick Cheney's Weekly Address:

"Although I applaud the many people of Utah for putting on such wonderful games, I have never been a polygamist nor do I ever intend to. I am, however, very eager to join the Boy Scouts of America."

All Hail Oscar


The Academy Awards had their own scandal this week when
In the Bedroom
was nominated for Best Picture because Academy voters--who rarely watch all the films they nominate--thought the film was the 21st Century's Last Tango in Paris. Little did they know that the way over-rated movie has no sex and is a story about a son's murder and his father's subsequent revenge. Oops. Just saved you nine dollars.

And kudos go out to Sissy Spacek for getting nominated for a Best Actress Award by playing one of the biggest one-note bitches in recent memory.

"Like I needed to act?"

361 Days & Counting


Valentine's Day has come and gone, which means single people now have only 361 days left to find a date for next V-Tine's Day, and people with "significant others" can go back to being the emotionally unresponsive cold fish they are on the other 364 days.
Naomi: "I'm a Drug Addict!"

Naomi Campbell is suing the tabloid The Mirror because they divulged the fact that she is a drug addict and attends Narcotics Anonymous. Which explains the razor-thin figure: All rice cakes and cocaine will do that to anyone. Are you listening Louie Anderson?

"If Louie brought a gram over, I would do practically anything for it."

I have Mr. Anderson on line one...

The Mirror also reported that the chocolate diva is prone to intense temper tantrums and often screams out not for her "mommy" but her hair stylist, manicurist, pedicurist, and headicurist all at once in four different tongues: psychotic, maniac, prima donna, and Burt Bacharach.

While stating her case in court, Naomi let the world know that, "I am a drug addict. I will always be a drug addict. Once a drug addict always an addict." She forgot to mention that she is also a raving bitch addict.

She went on to say that The Mirror's actions made her feel "shocked, angry, betrayed & violated," before demanding that the bailiff hand over her confiscated crack pipe before she does an Exorcist on his ass.


Beware of the Net Nerds

"Do you perhaps have a sister?"

A new nerd fad has hit the net and goes by the name of "Googlewhacking." A participant types two words in a Google search engine line with the hopes of pulling off a single search result. If the Googlewhacker sees "Result 1-1 of 1" he wins. The game is mainly played by down-and-out losers who have grown tired of the poor results they've received from playing the old game of... "Cyberwhacking."

"I am not Elton John. Just a nerd trying to get my whack on."

Once again, we were lucky enough to get a comment from our unidentified 7-11 correspondent:

"Allah does not believe in whacking of any kind. Therefore my balls are almost as green as this t-shirt.."


And Now a Word From our President

"I do not care to know about his green balls. I have read Green Eggs & Ham though. My top 5."



Can You Find Waldo?

"He's my top S.S. man. He even knows how to curl, beleve it or not?"

 

 

 

 

Have You Checked Out the
Horny Men's Club yet?
This week:
"Read Her Body Language"

 

Save the Aisle Seat, And Another City, for Me

"This should prove to the world that I am a lover, not a fighter."

O.J. "the Frogman" Simpson is getting set to host a Hip-hop show in Cincinnati in an effort to show that there can be peace in a city that was recently the site of the worst riots since 1968.

Simpson will toss out autograph footballs to concertgoers, introduce the headlining acts, tell jokes ("Did you hear the one about the cheating blonde coke sniffing biatch who got her throat slashed?), and ask for a volunteer from the audience so he can demonstrate the proper carving technique.

Rioting in Cincinnati took place after an unarmed black man, wanted for a misdemeanor charge, was shot dead while fleeing armed white cops. Is there any other kind?

Unfortunately, for the victim, he couldn't afford to make his escape in a white Ford Bronco.

And while we're on the subject of race relations, MSNBC apologized for a typographical error after adding an accidental 'g' to a man's name (Niger Innis) they were interviewing about the Enron case. Innis, who is black, replied, "Oh, God, I thought you guys thought I was a rapper or something, or Johnny Cochran," who himself called Innis shortly after the incident to see if he wanted to press charges.

Nigger-excuse us-Niger refused to file charges, but plans to go into the recording studios soon to record his debut effort: "They Called Me Mr. N."

Round Em' Up

"I tip my hat to all you non-evil doers of the world."

President George W. is off on a tour of Asia spouting his "axis of evil" rhetoric. One of those points of evil, North Korea, says that our fearless leader is "the most evil and war-crazed president in the history of the U.S." But here at home, we just call him "cowboy."

"That's my smurfy-worfy."

And to Mama Smurf Bush: Yes it's too late not to let your son grow up to be a cowboy, but could you possibly enroll him in an after school tutoring program?

Crazy 8 Ball Says...


Your reign as the self-appointed Queen of Sham is over, Miss Cleo. Cleo and her gang of hucksters are not only being sued by 8 states but the Federal Government as well. The organization has had 6 million callers since 1999 and made over $400 million. Although it appears that the only 8 balls Miss Shyster is going to be looking at are four crooked prison guards, there was one piece of good news for her: she didn't invest in Enron.

Matchmaking 101

"I am not Satan. Am not, am not, am not."

While on the subject of sex and prison, the only thing left for us to say is, "Kenny meet Bubba...

"Bubba…say hello to Kenny."
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