Joke of the Week

A celebrity is a person who works hard all their life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Surf Over! - Every Monday
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Skate-Gate Takes Center Ice

"Americans no like anyone else on their Wheaties box."

The Olympics are over, which means one thing: Goodbye Russians, fare thee well, may the toilet paper be with you, Cumbaya.

"In Russia, we have never heard of such corruption."

The Reds were so incensed when one of their rollerskaters, Irina Slutskaya--winner of a Silver medal--wasn't also awarded a co-Gold medal along with American rollerskater Sarah Hughes that they considered pulling out of the games early. Much to Slutskaya's dismay, the only thing she was awarded was a pap smear at a local Free Clinic.

It appears the only happy Russian was Slutskaya's boyfriend, Sergei Rotchakokov, who was able to take full advantage of the Olympic "Free Condom" policy.

"Oh No!" South Korea Whines, Too

"All Utahians praise Orin Hatch!"

After crying "foul," because one of their skaters was disqualified, giving American Apolo Ohno the Gold Medal, the South Koreans say they plan to file a lawsuit in the United States district court against the referees of Wednesday's Olympic 1,500 meters men's short track speedskating event. However, the Koreans did not go away empty-handed, they did receive a fabulous consolation prize: George W. Bush on his Axis-of-Evil tour.

While out touring the demilitarization zone, Dubya was so consumed with spying on North Korea that he failed to notice one minor thing…

"Over there, there are people who want to rip your head off and crap down your neck, too."


The Protest Flu

It was clear that the protest bug was catching in Utah when Al Gore showed up at the closing ceremonies demanding a Gold Medal of his own.

"My name is Al Gore, and I used to be the next president of the United States…Now I just curl."

Mr. Stiff was quickly booed off the stage, but left with some wonderful parting gifts. With Utah being the most prevalent antidepressant users in the United States, they offered him something which should come in handy for the has-been: a lifetime prescription of Xanax.

A shame he couldn't hook up with Noelle Bush a long time ago.

"I got the stuff, man."

Gore's other consolation prizes were a compilation of N'Sync's Greatest Hits and permission to plant a tree in the Utah city of his choice.

2002 Space Odyssey

"Yo, we bad, we bad?"

Ground control to Major Lip Syncher...You are not cleared for flight. We repeat: Not cleared for flight...False alarm for N'Stinker Lance Bass who earlier in the week said he was the first boy-bander to be invited into space. Apparently the Amsterdam-based space company MirCorp mistook him for someone who actually has talent.

MirCorp then offered the space ride to two of their favorite entertainers, Michael Jackson and his Elephant Man bones, but because of severe dehydration problems, Mr. Bones will not be available for take-off. Jacko then turned to his second favorite freak...

"I love your hair, I do."

"No, I love your hair."

Shaken Not Stirred

"Sorry, Money Penny, dear, you'll have to carry on without me for a spell."

Pierce Brosnan was injured on the set of the latest Bond movie and it will reportedly take him two weeks recovery time before shooting resumes. To occupy herself, Money Penny has called in her favorite stunt c*ck: B.O.B. Battery Operated Boyfriend.


Have You Checked Out the
Horny Men's Club yet?
This week:
"Read Her Body Language"


Who'se Youse Callin' Freak?

"I'm gonna bite and fight, and lisp my ass off."

The Mike Tyson watch is on in Washington D.C. after Mr. Teething was cleared to fight in the city against Lennox Lewis. Lined up to throw out the first line--which we can assure you won't be "Are you ready to rumble?"--former D.C. mayor, Marion Berry.

No Mo' Crackhead?

"I have had a very hard life."

Darryl Strawberry got good news this week when New York Yankee head honcho George Steinbrenner invited the former major leaguer and f*ck-up to be a player development coach. Which means that the Straw will be available to teach minor league players the finer points of hitting both a fast ball, and on an undercover cop posing as Street Ho'.

Speaking of Fine Women…

"Wanna be the fifteenth mother of one of my kids?"

Ladies of Portland beware! Basketball player and Portland Jailblazer, Shawn Kemp and his Illegitimate Child Disease are on the loose again after being suspended by the NBA for violating the league's substance abuse policy. If propositioned by Mr. Kemp, ladies are cautioned to first administer mace before phoning billionaire zoo-keeper Paul Allen to come collect him.

Godfather Cleared

"No bobbing on this boy."

While on the subject of sexual harassment, the Godfather of Soul, James Brown was recently found not guilty of harassment after it was proven that the plaintiff was definitely not of sound mind.

"After all that X, yeh, he was shaking it and looking fine."

Men of Principle?

Dick Cheney is being sued by the General Accounting Office in unprecedented legal action. The GAO is seeking a list of executives from Enron and other energy companies who met with the President's energy commission. George W. Bush vowed that the White House will fight to "defend Dick's fetish and Republican principles." To which we reply: Principles? You ain't got no stinkin' principles!
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