Joke of the Week

"He's the car alarm that can't be stopped. He's the Lhaso apso barking at your feet. He's the skip in the record that plays over and over."
- Norm Chad on Dicky Vitale

Surf Over! - Every Monday
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Rolling Out the Welcome Mat

We'd like to start out this week by welcoming our fine meddlesome friends from the Treason Department-

"Have anything better to do than spy on us, you a-holes?"
While we're on the subject of one-finger salutes…

"Nothing like a little overexposure to prove to the peeps that I am not Lavar Burton."

The Missile's Out of the Silo

"We nuke who we want to nuke, my friends. We are bad ass."

It was revealed this week that the United States has contingency plans to nuke seven countries if need be: China, Russia, Iraq, North Korea, Iran, Libya, Syria, and anywhere that Mike Tyson is allowed to fight next.

On Face the Nation Sunday, Colin Powell replied to the plans, saying, "We are always reviewing our options." He then went on to demonstrate the "Nuke Signal" our fine president came up with…

"Simon sez, touch your nose."

And Baby Makes Three

"There's no hard feelings between me and her. WE have a normal baby. And what does she have? Sad."

Anne Heche and her husband Coleman Laffoon had a baby last week! The lucky Hollywood child was named Homer. Not to be outdone, Ellen Degenres got together with some of David Crosby's sperm and named their offspring: Bart.

Have You Checked Out the
Horny Men's Club?
This week:
"Hookers: A Delicate Issue"
The Cock Still Crowes
"Once again, I'd like to thank myself, for saving lives with the work I do, and being so damn sexy."

Before going off once again, because his poem was also cut at the Australia Academy Awards, Russell Crowe phoned director Malcolm Gerrie of the British Academy Awards to apologize for his hooligan-ish behavior last week, asking him out for a pint of Guinness. This time Crowe promised to skip the poem and head right for his favorite song: "Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall…"

More Crow's Squaking?

The 40-year-old rocker, Sheryl Crow recently lashed out at promotional campaigns for singers Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, saying: "They're being marketed like porn stars…the images are sleazy…Where do you go after you're 19 and you've stuck your crotch on every camera lens?" Like you don't know, Sheryl? Maybe to the Grammy's, dressed just like, a-hem, a hoe? Sucks to get old, huh, babe?

"What? I'm not a fine lady-like example? Oh, eat shit then."

Sucks to Get Old Unless...

You're Anna Nicole Smith, who gets to get old with an $89-million judgment. Money may not buy the gold-digger happiness, but it most definitely will buy her a way to keep those humongous bazookas from sagging.

A new song is currently being penned in honor of Anna: "Send in the Titty-crane."

"You all wish you were me: Beautiful, rich, and stupid. You don't think a stupid lady knows how to spend money? Duh."

Hoop Dreams

It's March Madness, and you know what that means: Multiple orgasms for Dick Vitale and a three-week pass for all married jocks to sleep on the couch.
You're Outta There!
"I am not, nor have I ever been, a murdering lecherous person. A politician, maybe."
Gary Condit was easily defeated in the primary race for congressman, ending his 30-year political career, proving that cheaters never prosper…unless you happen to be a hard-working vice president.

And while on the topic of Dick Cheney, a man was arrested by the Secret Service after he was spotted on a Carlsbad, California golf course wearing night-vision goggles at 3:00 a.m. The 33-year-old Steven Sprong claimed he was only playing a round of golf, but now it can be revealed what the Secret Service was really guarding: An all-night Fetish Ball starring...

"They only let me out of my underground hiding place once a month, so yeah, you can bet I'm going to live it up while I can."

Ask a Stalker
"You'd be amazed where I get advice from, boys & girls."
David Letterman, currently being wooed by ABC, sought advice from a highly unlikely source: his very own stalker. The 33-year-old woman, who has been stalking him for years, assured Dave that she would follow him to the "end's of the earth." AKA: ABC, home of Mr. Toupee, Ted Koppel. Don't give up hope, Ted. Play your cards right and some day you'll have your own stalker, too. I have Barbara Walters on line 3…

"I think I Love You...Not"
And lastly, Shirley Jones, of Partridge Family fame, filed for divorce recently in order to "C'mon get happy." Shirley confessed that her idea of happiness was not being married to comedian Marty Ingels, but rather, "Happiness for me would include watching Danny stomp the shit out of Greg Brady in Fox's Celebrity Boxing, and then a night out on the town with him." Pressure's on, Oedipus.
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