Joke of the Week

"Burt Reynolds once asked me out...I was in his room."
- Phyllis Diller

Surf Over! - Every Monday
Will the Real Curious George Please Make a Funny Face
"Monkey see, monkey do."
Brown University officials announced that an experimental brain implant the size of a M & M has allowed a monkey to control a computer cursor by thought alone. In part two of the experiment, President Bush will also be implanted with a censor in an attempt to find out who the real monkey is.

When informed he would be asked to participate, Bush said he would do so only if he could be called "Cheetah" throughout the experiment

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy To Be Severly Tested
The number of people expelled from the military for homosexuality rose last year to the highest total since 1998, debunking the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy. In an attempt to cover their asses, the military plans to enlist one "Richard Simmons" to prove that there is no discrimination going on.

"Army, navy, marines...Men! It's all good!"

More Discrimination

Rosie O'Donnell has "come out" with guns a-blazin'. The O'Don is miffed over discrimination against gay people who adopt children. She says that her own experience as a gay parent proves that the state of Florida and President Bush are "wrong" in their opposition to gay adoption. She went on to say that, "I don't think America knows what a gay parent looks like." To which we reply: Um, yes we do. We even have pictures...

"Ok, Harold, it's time you put down that basketball right now! It's macrame time for you, pal."

Meet the Parents

Maybe those folks up in arms over gay adoption should turn their energies to where they're more needed: Raving lunatic adoptions.

Meet model parents Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thorton.

After adopting a Cambodian baby, the dynamic dysfunctional duo were forbidden from transporting Baby Maddox back to the United States. Oh darn.

The U.S. ambassador to Cambodia said that the reason Maddox has not been granted a visa is because of strict regulations due to the country's notorious illegal adoption trade. Which is basically just an excellent excuse so the kid doesn't have to grow up being subjected to genitalia piercing, or playing with Anne Heche's offspring.

"What happens if our own blood vials run low and we have no baby to siphon off of? Give us Baby Maddox or I'm quitting the biz and devoting my life to the Peace Corps. "

Peaceful Easy Feeling

It's official! After 18 months of brutal fighting, Israelis and Arabs have finally agreed to a cease-fire. The détente is scheduled to last from 8:29 a.m. Tuesday morning until 8:33 a.m. Tuesday morning.

If successful, the two sides say they would like to try for five minutes sometime in the late 21st Century.

"I'd like to sleep with you in the desert tonight, with a billion guns all around..."

Note to Dennis Franz...

"Dennis, you do do ads," and you are...a whore just like all the rest.

Kiss, Kiss
from Comedy Ave.
Oscar Watch
"Russell has a contract stipulation that no one can look him in the eye without prior written permission. Therefore, what are you doing here, Mr. Nash?"

After having his Humpty Dumpty poem edited from the British Academy Awards, hopeful Oscar winner Russell Crowe has decided that if he wins a Best Actor statuette at this week's Academy Awards, he will try another poem altogether:

Hickory, dickory, dock,
The prick actor exceeded the clock…

Backstreet Boy Love
"I am not a boy! I prefer to be called 'Guido.'"
Backstreet Boy, A.J. McLean met them "both" in a karoke bar just before he entered rehab, and now the three loverbirds have decided to tie the knot: McLean and Sarah Martin's two breasts.

McLean credits the two fine specimens for helping to keep him sober while he was undergoing treatment for alcoholism and being in a really shitty boy band.

Once out of rehab, McLean paid for a bigger enhancement and hence, several more weeks sobriety. Soon, expect Martin to be approaching Anna Nicole Smith status: breasts to her ankles and rolling in the dough...the hoe.

Education in Brawn 101
A Chinese student poured sulfuric acid on five bears in the Beijing Zoo recently as part of an experiment to test their intelligence. The bears passed the test with flying colors when they ripped the 21-year-old electromechanical major's arm off.

From his hospital bed, Liu Haiyang said, ''I wanted to test whether or not they really are stupid.'' Afterwhich a nurse stuck a hypodermic needle up his ass, just to "see if it would hurt."

"Why was that guy we had for lunch such a moron, daddy?"

British Tea Party
The British military apologized Monday for invading Spain over the weekend... by mistake!

About 20 Royal Marines went slightly off course in an amphibious exercise and stormed a Spanish beach Sunday morning near the British colony of Gibraltar.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair received a phone call shortly thereafter from President Bush, asking that the Brits--regarding allied operations--stick to "tea-duty" from this point forth.

"Oops, our bad. Stiff upper lip, won't happen again. Carry on. Do you perfer Earl Grey or Chamomile?"

No More Sheep Porn For Terrorists?
The defiant, alleged mastermind (name is something like Ahmad 7-11 Abdullah) of the kidnap-slaying of Wall Street Journal correspondent Daniel Pearl warned Tuesday that Americans will suffer if he is sent to the United States, shouting to bystanders after a court appearance that, ''America will be finished soon.''

Well, listen, Sheep Boy, if that is the case, who will be on hand to distribute the bestiality videos to your people? Think, you psychotic bastard, think.

Have You Checked Out the
Horny Men's Club?
This week:
"The Feline Equation"
The Sports Shrink
Shrink's Qualifications: Survived abusive YMCA sports coaches; B.S. Degree in Term Paper Composition For Jocks; member: Oprah Book Club.
Patient: Baseball player Ruben Rivera, alias-Error Prone.
Scoop: Once promising talent steals Golden Boy Jeter's bat and glove and sells to sports memorabilia agent, gets released by Yankees.

Analysis: Procreate with Winona Ryder, hatch model pickpockets and hire a tutor named Fagin.

Patient: Duke Basketball player Reggie Love, alias-Tar Heel Mascot.
Scoop: A couple nights before the ACC tourney, this Dukie benchwarmer was educated enough to be partying in a University of North Carolina frat house! where he so generously passed out, giving Tar Heel fans the much needed consolation prize they were praying for after a dismal season. When the crazies were finished coloring his face with pens, etc., one of the Heel jokesters stepped up to the line and showed Love how nuts he really was. Pictures found their way to Coach K. and Love was suspended for the ACC tourney.

Analysis: Forget trying to hide for the rest of your life in the NBDL, head directly to whatever production company Ron Jeremy is working with.

Patient: Fox Television Execs, alias-Da Big Pimps.
Scoop: After stooping to the lowest common denominator and allowing poor Greg "Da Butcher" Brady, Vanilla "Bi-polar" Ice, and Ms. Nose to get pummeled, expect the gang at Fox to milk it for all its worth.

Analysis: At least if you are going to do it, do it right. Next up: Rodney King vs. Chief Gates, Deepak Chopra vs. Tony Robbins, Madam Cleo vs. Kenny Kingsley.

Patient: Former major leaguer Darryl Strawberry, alias-The Straw. (Can't figure that nick name out!)
Scoop: The man has been in trouble with the law so frequently that Random House decided to release a photography book of Darryl's mug shots entitled: "A New York Yankee in Marion's County Court."

Recently Darryl chose to spend his big 4-0 in the pokey after violating a no-sex-with-other-patients rule at the drug-treatment center where he had been serving two years of house arrest. The Straw now faces up to 18 months in prison for violating his probation, which he has violated five times.

Analysis: While you're in the Big House, A) sell your story to Oz so you have enough money to buy smokes; B) enroll in correspondence course, "Second Chances 101"; C) diligently adhere to the no-sex-with-other-inmate rule; D) Squeal! and blame it all on George.

Patient: ESPN, alias-the 24/7 Bobby Knight Pitch Network.
Scoop: Teetered on turning away sports fans forever with incessant promos.

Analysis: Kill sequel plans or expect to have a season on the stink. Click your heels three times and repeat to yourselves: "I am not a Hollywood movie studio, I am not a Hollywood movie studio…"
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