Slam of the Week

"The Academy Awards are around for two purposes: So the royalty of Hollywood can pat themselves on the shoulders, and then compare pet therapists...and that's just for their significant others." - Unknown
P.S. Hey Russell, you lost! Your poetry career is kaput.

Surf Over! - Every Monday
So Sayeth Dubya
"I do have an I.Q. Can't remember what it is though."
On his way to South America the president made a stop-over in Mexico where he unveiled his latest discovery: "I have thought long and hard about why we have poverty. And because poverty breeds terrorism, I think it is extra important to realize, that the one thing that breeds poverty, is stupidity.

"Poor people are just very stupid, and therefore more likely to commit evil, gross, barbaric acts of terrorism." Bush went on to say that some rich people can be idiots, too, but unlikely to cause unjust bodily harm if one of their parents held any office or went to an Ivy League school. Unless of course they have their finger on the trigger of the world's most powerful arsenal.

Thumbs Up For the Pope
"What my fans do in the privacy of their own home is none of my business. As long as they buy tickets, props to them."

Pope John Paul II has finally broken his silence about the recent spate of molestation charges against priests worldwide. The Pope said that the priests have succumbed to the most grievous forms of "the mystery of evil," and that the scandals have cast a "dark shadow of evil over the church." After making his statement, Mr. Paul went on to say he couldn't understand where all this sickness stems from, before retiring to his quarters to watch a Haley Joel Osment movie marathon.

"So long, gotta go, Haley's on in five. I just love that boy. Props right back to you, Kiddo."

COPS
In a related story, authorities in Denver accidentally placed a 16-year-old girl in a cell with a 34-year-old sex offender. The man was hidden under his bunk at the time, sleeping with a blanket draped over it to block out the light. The 16-year-old later claimed she was fondled over her clothing and on her buttocks. But Gerald DeWayne Lewis' attorney denies the charges. His defense: Lewis doesn't favor girls. Why? He's a priest, hot under the collar for boys.

What Keeps the Dogs In?

Call it "violence." In the Middle East, more dogs than ever have been prescribed valium for their increasing panic attacks. A local vet was quoted as saying, "Only today I treated a dog who has stopped eating and refuses to leave his compound." Meanwhile, Yasser Arafat could not be reached for comment.

"Dancing and Valium sure beats trying to get past those Israeli tanks out there. Eh, Buster?"

Tit-for-Tat
"F*ck you very much, England."

A group of children in Belper, England attacked a giant Mr. Potato Head that was given to them by their sister city of Pawtucket, Rhode Island (home of the Mr. Potato Head factory). In retaliation, the children of Pawtucket smashed all their Spice Girl albums and vowed never to grow up to be queens.

Slime Sticks
"We the people of Andersen would like to say one thing: Help!"

Andersen lawyers pleaded innocent this week to interference charges in regards to the Enron scandal and say they would like a speedy trial in order to save their business. All a judge could say was: LOL, then assured them that the trial would not be paper-shredder quick, but rather, more like a snail's trail of slime, claiming many in its wake. See Dick and George get slimed? To be continued. After we bomb the sh*t out of Iraq of course.

The Hills Are Alive,
with the Sound of Bada-Bing

After recently saying that "my family is very important to me. I am very Italian in that way," actor James Gandolfini of the Sopranos has filed for divorce from his wife of three years. Gandolfini says duty for his other family--America--now comes first. Currently, Tony and the boys are combing the Afghani Hills for the sound of Al Qaida.

"Yo, Towel Heads...Do, re, mi, kiss your goats g'bye. You are the friggin' weakest links."


Now that Nightline is staying put, ABC has hired two new, "hip" correspondents to join Ted Koppel in an attempt to draw younger viewers to the serious news program. Carson Daly will do frequent meanderings from any beach where teen girls are shaking their asses and falling out of their bikinis, and Elian Gonzales will be on hand to cover toilet paper shortage from Cuba.

What Will Elijah Think?

In honor of Passover, Jewish people everywhere have decided to add a new delicacy to their menus: The Guilta-fish.

New Beginnings?
"I am now high on life. And if you believe that, have I got some cut cocaine to sell you."

After handing over his prize urine sample to the court, Robert Downey Jr. got high marks from the judge presiding, who said he was pleased with Downey Jr.'s progress with his drug rehabilitation. Which means one thing: Those 24-hour detoxification programs really do work.

Tommy Lee, You May Be Hung Now...

A Ugandan woman who bit off her drunk husband's penis and scrotum--because she said he wasn't providing for her and their two children--is being flown out to Hollywood where she will now be able to provide for herself. How? The fang-bearer is set to bite-er-ah-fight Tommy Lee in Fox's next installment of Celebrity Boxing.
Hey, Tommy, can you say: "Ouch! No more home videos for you."




Have You Checked Out the
Horny Men's Club?
This week:
"How Hot is Halle Now?"
Academy Gets Frisky
Security was so tight at the Academy Awards that comedian Jon Stewart underwent a full cavity search, which left him smelling a little less like roses and more like the material he whipped out at the Grammy's: utter crap.

"Hey, pal, if you're going up there with a glove, I hope you'll at least come to Passover and meet my parents. L'Chaim."

At Long Last...

Oscar finally called a black actresses name...and Keanu Reeves! The brilliant method actor received an Honorary Lifetime Achievement Award for being a total f*cking brainless twit.
"I'd like to thank the Academy for naming me, um, what did they call me again?"

Unfortunately, the f*cking brainless twit got lost on the way to the ceremony and was not able to collect his award. He did score a sixer of Jolt cola from a 7-11 in the area he was lost in. An unidentified 7-11 employee gave us his own take on the awards...
"If it's not a Steven Segal movie, what do I care about stinking awards? I can tell you that the dark blabbering woman made people forget the name 'Sally Field.'"
It's Showbiz, Babe
Barbie is getting set to star in her second animated feature film "Rapunzel" without her long time love, Ken. The man who has been behind the bitch for so many years is said to be devastated and heartbroken. So much so, that his William Morris agent reports that the doll is considering switching ships to star in Showtime's Queer as Folk.
"These guys are just the kind of support group I need. F*ck Barb. I'm queer now, get used to it girlfriend."

Dodge Ball Under Fire
"Let's get em' girls!"
A group is trying to rid school yards from the game of dodge ball, claming that it is too competitively violent. The group would like to replace the age-old game with one less intense: duck-duck goose.

Many are against the move, claming that kids need to learn what it's like in the real world, and that dodge ball shows them that real life can be rough. Among the advocates is Second Lady, Lynne Cheney, who lists dodge ball as one of her all-time favorite games. If dodge ball does have to be replaced, Cheney says that it should be replaced not by a "wimpy game," but a more gritty, appropriate extra-curricula activity. Say like, nuclear fusion? Can you say KABOOM?
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