Joke of the Week

"Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?"

- Uncle Milty at a roast for Howard Cosell

Surf Over! - Every Monday
April Fool's Slam Fest

History Lesson
(there will be a test on this next week)
In sixteenth-century France, the start of the new year was observed on April 1st. Then in 1562, Pope Gregory (no stats on how many of his priests were fondling little boys back then) introduced a new calendar for the Christian world, and the new year fell on January 1st.

There were some people, however, who hadn't heard or didn't believe the change in the date, so they continued to celebrate New Year's Day on April 1st. We'll call them: "April fools." Others played tricks on them ("hey, pull my finger") and sent them on a "fool's errand" or tried to make them believe that something false was true. ("No, that was a barking spider.")

Play Ball Fools!

"Never made the baseball team, but heck I was a mean yell leader."

Who else would we have throwing out the first pitch this week but our very own favorite president. (Good thing he has no competition on that front.)

Evidence: Mr. Dubya was once quoted as saying, "We can not let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile." For ten points: What is wrong with this sentence?

Answer: Anyone who uses a verb where a noun should be,TWICE! (hello sixth grade education), and gets elected president has got to be doing something right--Appealing to all the fools who voted for him.

Hey there, Georgie Boy, stand proud, you got where you are today on sheer talent alone. "Hey, run on down to the corner market (hint: it's on the corner) and fetch me some knowledge, will ya, pal? I think you may find it on aisle 7."

"Ok, I've got it: I strap bomb to 16-year-old girl, you take tanks and make me your bitch. That should solve things."

Criminals: These war-mongering fools never learn (let alone prosper), thinking that more violence will one day beget peace, whence they will join together in a rousing rendition of "Cumbaya."

Let's face it, "Revolution" is more like it. But you've got to give the Israelis points for nobility: Making sure Yasser Arafat is being fed properly while they resume attacks on his compound in an attempt to rid the world of his excellent bureaucratic skills, has Mother Teresa applauding in her grave. Hey guys, you set a fine example for peace-loving nations everywhere. Break out the Twister board and let's have a par-ty

"I am the king of mouth farts."

Scoop: Like a phoenix arising from the ashes, the most obnoxious human being on the face of the earth, Carrot Top, was reborn in those grating AT&T commercials. I think the fool designation should really go to the advertising executive who came up with the brilliant casting idea. Hey Carrot Top, Milton Berle sent his regards to you on his death bed.

"This one's for all the pimps--I mean--men who believed in me."

"Thank you" Ms. Berry for giving comedians several weeks worth (at least) of material with your asinine acceptance speech at the Academy Awards. Halle just got signed to be the next poster child for DHS (Dysfunctional Hollywood Stars), an organization that prides itself on making every screwed-up kid want to come to Hollywood and pursue worldwide adoration and fame. Of course 99% of them end up soaking up the rays on a Sunset boulevard street corner (whore) or moving into a half-way house near you.

Fact: Hey Halle, one more pat on the shoulder--Men in Hollywood only want you for your amazing acting talent.

New Nike Commercial: "Be out like Rosie. "

Ms. Rosie O'Donnell is a major fool for coming out of the closet with her mouth a-blazing, assuring the Queen of Carpet Munch that the only thing left in her career will be sharing a bill with Paula Poundstone in a Haight Ashbury coffee shop.
"My name is James W. Zigler, former head of the INS, and I would like to apply for the position of pizza delivery boy."

Let's give it up to the Immigration peeps, shall we? Recently the fools notified Huffman Aviation in Florida that the student visa applications of two of their pupils (and let's not forget: dead terrorists) Mohamed Atta and Marwan Al-Shehhi, had been approved.

Question: What's next? Rolling out the welcome mat for Genghis Khan? Hey INS, your job security is nothing to worry about!

"Do these virgins go for small penises?"

The Al Qaida fools who actually thought that their small band of grubby camel jockeys could take on the world and win now find themselves buried under hundreds of tons of rubble.

Question: Hey AQ, find any of those virgins down there? How about going to fetch me some coal from the Man?

"I am just very misunderstood."

Darryl Strawberry's foolish head must have been "cracked" with one too many fastballs, otherwise maybe the fool would get the simple concept called "violating probation" correct.

Hey Darryl, you just won another trip to jail, where ya going after that? To pick up your honorary college degree from Harvard? Or back to Yankee Stadium to hook George up with some "goods."

Meditation Break

"And in with the love & ruffles, out with the anger…"
"Can you feel the love in the air?"

Madam Cleo, the faux Jamaican soothsayer, is a fool for thinking that her act would play well into the 21st Century. Now the shyster faces prosecution from several states, all who want her crystal ball retired where the sun doesn't shine. But the real fools are all the lost sheep who showered the atrocious actress with $400,000,000 (count the zeroes people) over the last few years. To all you in need of getting sheered when the Madam is in prison, please sign up for pen-pal and we here at the Avenue promise to give you advice on your sad existence which you call a life.

"I knew the end of the world was coming when prayer was no longer mandatory in school. That and when my mom didn't get an abortion."

Reverend Falwell, the televangelist fool, had the audacity to come out and say that 9-11 was really a punishment from god for our tolerance of people or positions he disagrees with, such as abortionists, feminists or homosexuals.

Fact:The real fools are the suckers who flock to the Rev like lepers to a messiah. Hey fellah Falwell, Satan called, wanted to assure you that your flabby eternal flesh will not burn in hell. Does the line "I'm melting!" mean anything to you?

"You think Billy's willy smacked you around, bitch?"

We are not sure if the loser fools from Celebrity Boxing did it for the glory (i.e. in hopes that their one-note claim to fame would be re-ignited) or the good old fashioned reason: Money to pay for their upcoming rehab tour or nose job.

Either way, you have seen the dredges of humanity in action and it is called the Fox Network. Hey Fox Execs, how about a new show, "Osama's Wives," in which 100 American women vie for a chance to be one of 25 lucky indentured whores. The scary part is--for their fifteen minutes of fame--the network would be besieged with contestant applications. So who be the real fools?

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"Props to Ron and Brian, and up the academy for dissing me."
The Poetry Man: This grumpy thespian was actually foolish enough to think someone, anyone, at the British Academy Awards & the Aussie Awards would want to hear him recite a poem. He followed that stupidity up by being seriously embarrassed and outclassed at the Academy Awards when Denzel Washington took the prize out from under his overbearing, condescending scowl.

How to speak Australian: Asshole.

Hey Russ, I hear there's talk of you getting a Pulitzer.

Meditation Break # 2

"And, in with the acceptance of all living things, including Russ Crowe…out with the hatred."

"Hey kids, my idea of meditating is roasting CBS over the flame in my Birkenstocks."

Here's to the fools at the Columbia Broadcasting Network for being held ransom by Letterman & Co., actually believing his tired act can ever overcome Leno.

Ring, Ring: Hey CBS, Ted Koppel on line three, says he wants to replace Paul Shaffer as your resident ass-kisser.

"Would kids be twistin' anywhere if it weren't for me? I dare you to name one more of my songs."

El foolio, Chubby Checker, said he would turn down the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, IF they voted him in, unless they erected a statue of his Royal Anus in front of the museum. Of course, there are no statues of anyone else there, including Menudo! (Shocking, yes.)

Tip: Hey Checkers, we hear that West Hollywood wants to erect a statue of your "chubby" outside Club Rage. Maybe you can twist on down there, practice safe sex, and pick up some sympathy along the way?

"Can you believe I actually used to be legit?"

Anyone getting tired of seeing the foolish pitchmeister-whore Terry Bradshaw pedal everything on the face of this earth including his latest, get this: Supercuts!

That reminds us, hey Bradshaw, Did you catch the latest Darryl Strawberry spot...for D.A.R.E?

And last but not least, to the fools at the Treason Department who have nothing better to do than monitor our innocent site, we, and Mr. McDonald, send you a message of love and kindness…

"I got your Big Mac right here, boys!"

Please Read in Entirety
Ok, so this week was not our best week, we admit. Do to our foolish pleasures of watching MTV Spring Break specials all week, 24/7, we were a little consumed with more important things: Wanton sex, teens shaking that ass, STD's.

So if our hung-over (tequila!) slams weren't good for you, and you were unable to light up a smoke afterwards and say: "Gee, that was really funny today, I really feel like I got my money's worth," we recommend you head to the archives (HORNY GUYS HEAD TO HMC) and relive our past glory, because yeah, this was not our "one shining moment."

Meanwhile, we'll make sure to rest up, get wanton sex and jailbait girls off of our minds, and get back to the serious business of classless comedy next week.

Peace Out, Kids. God, we put the 'H' in hip. And hapless, of course.
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