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Personal of the Week

Murgatrod P. Vanderbilt, 29, Aquarius

Why you should get to know me:

I am kind, sexy, I blow a mean tuba, and my mother always comes first. Oh yeh, I like vanilla ice cream, stamp collecting, and am a cloning advocate and wouldn't hesitate to get myself spawned.

Turn-ons: The color white, BINGO, women who don't shave their upper lip, my third grade teacher Ms. Wentworth, red vines.

Turn-offs: Sports, bubble gum, prickly heat, women who kiss on first date.

"I am an actor, not a murderer. Ask Fred."

LOS ANGELES - Currently in a nasty battle to save his job and stay on for a second term as the Los Angeles police chief, Bernard Parks, in an effort to prove that he is doing his job efficiently, masterminded the arrest of ROBERT BLAKE last week for the murder of BONNY LEE BAKLEY... after only one year.
The coup goes down as one of the quickest arrests in L.A. city history. With police work like this, who needs criminals? We say: Bernard Parks for Police Chief, or any office in L.A., now & forever!

In a related story, "actor" and wrestling champion the Rock threw a hissy fit over the weekend and filed a suit in a Beverly Hills court against Chief Parks for obscuring the debut of his coup, the Scorpion King.

In the $54 million suit, the Rock alleges that Parks deliberately arrested "actor" Robert Blake (and his cockatoo) on the eve of the film's opening in order to steal some of the film's fire, and attract country-wide attention to Park's attempt to get a second term, or a guest spot on The View with Star Jones and Babara Walters.

Even though the intelligently made "Scorpion" easily conquered the box office with 36.2 million, the Rock still claimed that the B.O. would have been thicker without Park's useless politicking going on. The Rock believes that "useless cinema" is far more essential to the American public.

"I got skills that Arnie only dreams about."

When reached for comment, one of the Rock's biggest fans, Dortea Murtz, from a trailer park just outside Tallahassee, Florida, said,

"Sure I love the Rock, but when given the choice between fake mayhem (not the wrestling, mind, you, I know that is real) and real murder, I chose to stay indoors all weekend and watch reports on the horrible killing of my kindred spirit, Bonny Lee Bakley."
NORTHWEST - Leave it to a Clackamas, Oregon grand jury to predict when the Laker/Blazer series should be over by. They set a May 2 hearing to consider felony drug charges against Jailblazer guard Damon Stoudamire. Which means Lakers in no more than four, and Damon three to five.

Also facing possible jail time, and on the bill that same date in a Washington courtroom, Ms. Tonya Harding. The Ice Queen violated probation after she crashed her pickup truck early Saturday morning while driving intoxicated. She removed her inebriated "celebrity" gloves long enough to plead not guilty, and predict that the Supersonics chances of beating the Spurs is about as solid as a Nancy Kerrigan kneecap.

WASHINGTON D.C. - Despite pulling out all the stops on his recent Mideast mission, Colin Powell failed to affect any change, other than finding himself in a Midol moment when Arafat attempted to use party favors to sway him over to the PLO's side.

"C'mon, Big Guy, it's 420 time, chill out."

While George W. Bush was telling the press that the mission was a success, advisors close to the President privately said that there was only one result that would make Mr. Bush happy.

"As I understand it, it was an accidental case of roadkill. And yes, I do plan to go lawn-bowling later."

"I do believe I can fly."

Before his departure, Powell took one last memorable look back at all his fans.

"Go home you yankee infidel! Tell George Steinbrenner he sucks too!"

WASHINGTON D.C. - After a joint session with his sťance staff this week (aka the Three Stooges: Kenny Kingston, Miss Cleo, and Ari Fleischer), president Bush came out with a bold prediction: A "Spring thaw" on more terrorism; which is just about as brilliant as saying there's a Psychic Network sucker born every day.

Fortunately, the consultation only cost the presdient $4.99 a minute and he was able to take advantage of the first three minutes free.

"Smile gang, we're on Candid Camera."

ROME - The Pope summoned several of the U.S.'s top Cardinals to Rome this week, not to discuss a recent spate of charges against the church, but to celebrate the shooting down of Child Pornography laws. The cardinals celebrated with two kegs and a game of quarters, a screening of Boy Scouts From Bologna, and entertainment by the "father-figure" himself, George Michael.

"Damn those blimey priests. This costume used to work so good."

NEW YORK - Speaking of pedophiles, Woody Allen is in the news after former wife Mia Farrow refused to let film historian Richard Schickel use any clips of her in a documentary he made about Allen. Schickel was then forced to cut a large chunk out of his piece, which is just what Mia has wanted to do to the 98-year-old Allen's piece all along.

"Oy vey, I just wish she would see me as my fans do: a filmmaker first...then a pedophile."
WASHINGTON D.C.- The FBI came out with a mid-range, yellow caution flag this week, warning banks in the Northeast to be on the look out for possible suicide bombers. They tried to assure customers that they will be absolutely safe doing their banking, but priests nationwide still decided to toss in a white flag of their own, and therefore they won't be making any more "minor deposits" for awhile. When asked about the "deposits," Father Guido Sarducci replied,

"Don't frock with me about the minor deposits, all right? We're stressed-out enough over this whole sticky mess."

THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARE - Whoopi Goldberg is leaving her gig as the center square on the Hollywood Squares after a salary dispute with King World Productions, to which we can only reply: WHOOPIE! Our mundane lives will never be the same. Here's wishing the serious thespian luck on being the second African-American woman to win an Oscar.

"The white man has spoken, unfortunately for them, so has the black woman--they can expect a call from Johnnie Cochran soon enough."

LOS ANGELES - Are you ready for the next Spears? You'd better be, because 11-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is poised and waiting in the wings to follow in her famous sister's footsteps. Also waiting in the wings, Dr. Milton Slash of the Beverly Hills plastic surgery firm of Slash, Stuff & Viola.

"However you get em', you got to strut them, girlfriend...I would also like to thank Glad Bag for sponsering me."

MILWAUKEE - "Every day is game day" for the Bucks, except of course beginning this week during the NBA playoffs. The talented Milwaukee team, out of the playoffs and losers of their last 16 out of 22 games, are resting comfortably after their final team meeting, which included milk and cookies, and of course, cyanide. Look for them to be guests on HBO's Six Feet Under soon.

EARTH, MAN - Saturday was 420 Day (i.e. time to get high!), a day which will go down in infamy as also being Hitler's Birthday. Kind of makes you wonder what the sour Kraut would have done if he knew the meaning of the date? Start a jam band with the Third Reich instead?

God, how different life may have been--World War II could've just been a Battle of the Bands between Hitler and the Grateful Dead.

"Truckin'...down in Berlin town..."

FLORIDA - The mother of a 15-year-old boy who crashed a stolen plane into a Tampa high-rise is suing the maker of the acne drug Accutane for $70 million, saying the medicine prompted her son's suicide. When reached for comment, the boy's alcoholic, crack-addicted mother, who was with her fifth husband at the Daytona Motor Speedway, said,

"I tried to tell the punk that zits don't make the man."

Nope, I guess sucking on your Old Lady's nipples in public do.

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