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Caption of the Week
from Justin J.

"After keeping his compulsions in check for years, Trainer Dan, finally asked Tracy for an Airplane ride."

New Issue - Every Monday
FLORIDA - The sensitive Jeb Bush broke down and wept at a Florida drug summit this week while thanking attendees for their prayers and support following his daughter Noelle's arrest on drug charges. "I knew I was going to do this," the governor of Florida said. "Bush men always cry."

"Ready, on three--let's break huddle and cry like woosies."

Noelle's only comment after she heard of her father's breakdown was:

"My dad has always supported me and molested me since I was a child and for that, I thank him. Oh yeah, tell him he can come to the home with the four white walls and borrow some antidepressants from me."

The Jebster followed up his sobbing with, "I apologize for crying, it's a little genetic problem I got from my dad."

"What a kidder! Tell that dopey brother of mine that the president of the United States does not cry, or play with dolls...unless of course it's my own.

"I got you, you rotten evildoer. Now I'll take you to my leaders...Oh right, I am the leader."

"If his action-figure was dressed like this, trust me, he'd do more than cry."

"If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the mor-rr-ning..."

NEW YORK - Break out the party favors and WNBA tickets because Rosie O'Donnell's longtime girlfriend, Kelli Carpenter, is pregnant. Supposedly no word on who the father might be, but we here at Comedy Ave. rounded up the usual suspect.

"Rosie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

MINNESOTA - Jesse "the Mind" Ventura is up in arms over the closing down of the century-old governor's mansion as a part of budget cuts he complains fall unfairly on him. The shutting down of the estate will save $375,000, but Ventura will continue to receive his daily allowance of $500 dollars so he can continue to fraternize with close friends in Atlantic City.

"Two hookers for my friend the governor and I."

Meanwhile, a political supporter of Ventura's is designing a video game that will feature several things, including: "the Moron" wielding a sword to cut state legislators off at the knees; ethical questions that people will be able to compare with the governor's own answers; and a nuclear device that will have the capacity to destroy the entire state of Minnesota and the fine people that voted for him.
HOLLYWOOD - Robert Blake's bail has been denied and because he doesn't have enough money to retain Johnny Cochran, he has hooked up with another soulmate, Miss Cleo, in an attempt to channel the spirit of Baretta in hopes of solving this very baffling case. When reached for comment, his former costar Fred had a few words of advice for the ex-thespian:

COMEDY AVE - The real Moron of the Week Award goes to Bonny Bakley's brother, Jerry, who was arrested in San Diego after authorities spotted him on 20/20 last week trying to get his 15 minutes of fame in. The road scholar was wanted on charges of violating a court parole order stemming from a conviction on drug and grand theft charges.

In other Bakley Family news, the duo's mother is up for the Jerry Springer Mother of the Year Award.

HOLLYWOOD - Ally McBeal is on the way out, as guest stars for the final episode are on the way in: Robert Downey Jr., Courtney Thorne-Smith, Barry White, and all the regurgitated rice cakes Ally managed to hold down over the years.

"No, apparently I can't have my rice cakes and eat them too."

AUSTRALIA - Last week the Princess of Pubescent Pop was photographed sprinting for the cover of her hotel room with a cigarette in her right hand and one pressing thought in her head: Oh god, I hope they can't see through the blinds and my big black bellhop that is waiting for me.

"Quick! Put a sock on that thing or something, it's huge."

When reached for comment, family pastor Rev. David Kelly said, "Smoking and drinking isn't what Christ wanted. It's disobedient." He went on to say that if Britney was a boy, he would surely show him a thing or two.

"These kids just keep growing away from the Church, and I can never understand why."

SAN DIEGO- Vice principal Rita Wilson, from Rancho Bernando High School, went a step too far last weekend when she lifted up the skirts of teenage girls in an attempt to make sure they weren't wearing inappropriate underwear to a school dance. As compensation for her firing, Ms. Wilson has being named CEO of

"I never knew I had it in me until Miss Wilson pulled up my skirt and all the boys started hooting and hollering at my cooch."

"So you say you're not ready to see a VW full of circus midgets climb out of their car and gang bang an aging sitcom star..."
The Horny Men's Club
HOLLYWEIRD- You want to know what it takes to make $20 million dollars? Apparently a lot of heroin, a dysfunctional family, and a firm bastardization of the English language.

"We would just like to say: Yeh, we're f*ckin' freaks, but we're rich f*ckin' freaks, America."

"Are you ready for some serious hard-hitting TV, America?"

NEW YORK - Using America's First F*cked Up Family as a bargaining chip, former president Bill Clinton managed to finagle a $50 million-a-year offer from NBC to have a show of his own. Television insiders (Jeff Probst) believe that when Mr. Clinton understands the demands of the job, which include speaking fluent "Fuckenese," he will decline the offer. Other sources (Rev. Farakhan) say that Mr. Clinton has aspirations of being the next Oprah. When asked what his first book club recommendation would be, Clinton said, "Whatever it is, it'll have to be something after my own heart, something that just makes me tingle." Maybe like-

HOLLYWOOD - More TV news: FOX has just announced their summer reality programming schedule. First up "I Want a Husband: Alaska," in which five women go in search of the perfect Eskimo mate in the frozen tundra; winner gets to dine on whale blubber and be laid in the igloo of her choice, before being tied to the dog sled until death do them part. Next up, "American Idol: The Search For a Superstar," a contest amongst singing hopefuls in which the winner gets to serve as Celine Dion's tampon-caddy for a whole year; and lastly, "Celebrity Bootcamp," a grueling battle amongst famous celebs to see who can go the longest without their personal assistants, stalkers and pet therapists.

NEW YORK - After not-so-glowing reviews on his latest bomb, Woody Allen has agreed in theory that the public has indeed tired of seeing his screen persona shack up with women more than half his age. Allen says that he may forgo the "young broads" the next time around and return to his first fetish.

"What can I say? She really responds to direction well."

HOLLYWOOD - Spiderman shot his web all over the country this past weekend, taking in an estimated "a lot of f*cking money," according to one industry insider.

Which is great news for Sony Pictures and lousy news for Herpes Man, who despite his constant gift for giving, still cannot manage to get a movie deal, or a cure for the common shanker.

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