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Under the heading of:
At least the hoe shaves-

"Hey, Wally, what's J. Lo got there?"
"Don't ya know, Beaver?"

New Issue - Every Monday
May 20, 2002

WASHINGTON D.C. - Well, President George Bush done did it again: He lied about what he and his administration knew about terrorist warnings prior to 9/11. But the president can rest assured that even though his popularity rating may take a dip, it should soar right back up again the minute he invades Iraq and slaughters thousands of starving people.


LONDON - Former host of the Weakest Link, Anne Robinson, had some harsh parting gifts (comments) after her show was canceled. Not only did she whip President Bush for attempting to wave at Stevie Wonder; a soap opera star for saying there were 60 minutes in a half-hour; but she also took a shot at all American citizens when she said we had the attention span of a flea on crack. Wait a second...what were we writing about?

"I smoke a little dope for you...forever and ever.... "

MIAMI - Singer Dionne Warwick was busted in the Miami Airport after author-i-tees found 11 marijuana cigarettes in a lipstick container. (Who are we trying to fool? Like we here at the Ave. are as pure as the driven snow. They're called joints, blunts, doobs, and yes, we have inhaled).

Fans of the singer may want to say a little prayer for the diva, or they may just want to donate $4.99 a minute to her favorite charity--The Psychic Friend's Network. It all makes sense now, doesn't it. Miss Cleo--Jamaica--dope. Send in the feds.



HOLLYWOOD - Because you asked for it, Celebrity Boxing Part Deux hits the mat this week. Unfortunately, John Wayne Bobbit, star of the hit movie Frankenpenis, decided to warm up on an unsuspecting sparring partner--his newly crowned wife--and was removed from the taping. FOX does have their standards, you know!

Stepping in for the cut "fighter", wrestling phenom Chyna will instead go a few rounds on the canvas with Joey Buttafuoco. When reached for comment, Buttafuoco's stable of steeds were just praying that their sweetheart comes back in one piece.

"Wilbur?...."

NEW YORK - Winona Ryder hosted the finale of Saturday Night Live this past weekend and managed to steal everything but the laughter.

"Live! From My Very Own Garage Sale: It's all your possessions!"
JOHANNESBURG - Last week a South African police sting operation bagged a murderer and the human head he was trying to sell for use in traditional medicine. Soon after, a similar copycat crime was discovered here in the States.

"My medicine is this: You mess with Israel, or Texas, chop, chop, score one more for the home team, Ahab."

WASHINGTON D.C. - Saying the genie was already out of the bottle, cloning expert Panayiotis Zavos said he would try to create a human clone by impregnating one lucky woman later this year.

"Um, shot gun! Yo, sign me up."

And They Called it...Puppy Love

"When you're up to 75 pounds, I'll buy you a moo-moo."

HOLLYWOOD- Lovebirds Harrison Ford and Calista Flockheart were recently spotted cooing together at a local movie theater. An usher, Gary Coleman, formerly of the Facts of Life, said, "Her arm was around his waist, and they didn't take their eyes off each other. They acted as if no one else was around." The nerve!: Believing they were real people and not some dysfunctional Tinseltown couple.

Coleman went on to report that the two ordered a "Diet Pepsi for him, a pink lemonade for her, and a medium size popcorn to split." After which, Ford proved his undying compassion for Flockheart by administering the Heimlech Maneuver so Ms. Twiggie could live to eat a rice cake another day.

NEW YORK - A couch picked up by sanitation workers on a street in the Bronx was stuffed with about $8 million dollars worth of cocaine, and of course the cops have no idea how it got there. Comedy Ave. is going to give them a little tip and round up the usual couch-potato...

"After that much f*cking blow, I'm the first one to jump off the f*cking couch and cry f*cking foul! I had nothing to do with it...Wish I did."

HOLLYWOOD - In a Vanity Fair interview, actress Reese Witherspoon, in all seriousness, said, "I think if acting didn't work out for me, I could be a professional trampolinist."

OK, OK, take a deep breath and rest assured all you professional trampolinists, believe it or not, your job security is all right for now.



QUEBEC CITY- In a perfectly Darwinian case of "live by the crap, die by the crap," last week a Canadian farmer drowned in his own pile of manure.





Q & A with Joe Lust

The Horny Men's Club
TORN TO SHREDS

SACRAMENTO - You can take the coach out of the city, but you can't take the whine out of the coach. Case in point, former Portland Trailblazer coach, and now Sacramento King's, Rick Adelman.

But you know, you would cry too if it happened to you: You switch teams, the deck gets reshuffled, yet you still wind up with five unarmed Christians to go up against the other team's two deadly lions.

To help prove that whining does indeed start at the top: Star player Chris Webber's pouts are about as legendary as middle-child Jan Brady's.


FORT LAUDERDALE - The online personal ad read: "Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a compassionate, 6'2" 200 lbs. athletic guy who enjoys Mediterranean food, the poetry of Keats, and Baroque music." What the ad failed to mention was that William Coday used hammers to kill two ex-girlfriends. In similar fashion, we took the liberty to clip and save another personal for you below:

Personals at:
www.cyberspace-inmates.com:

"Hey, my name is Bobby. I'm an ornery, jaded, stocky short-shit who has a fetish for cockatoos and the Stanisklavski Method. I'm good to go with any starf*cker who doesn't mind someone whose career left town and headed for hell-in-a-hand basket a long time ago."


"I have never been in f*cking prison, so we could've never f*cking met there, OK? Don't f*cking ask me where we f*cking did f*cking meet. Like I would f*cking remember that???"

Billy Bob Writes the Songs


ROME - Also singing this week, The Pope celebrated his birthday in fitting fashion.

"It's my party and I'll lech if I want to, lech if I want to...."

FLORIDA - A couple of weeks ago, the Princess of Pop, Britney Spears was photographed smoking a cigarette. This week she was again caught in a Kodak moment--bumping and grinding with a couple of lucky frat boys. We plead with you, Mr. Timberlake, please take her back before she ends up in David Crosby's Sperm Donor Program.

"Whoever is up for a game of quarters to be dropping down in Britney's cleavage, raise both your hands.




 

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