1 - Austin Powers Night
Fans still standing when the seventh-inning stretcher arrives
will be cleared to enter the "Yeah, Baby!" Time Machine and
travel back to the glory days of the Jay's 92-93' repeat champs.
Those NOT standing will be treated to a rendition of "Take Me
Out to the Hospital," by Burt Bacharach and Mini Me, as they're
being carted off the field.
PITCH 2 - Free "Learn the Signs" Clinic
Fans arriving before the game -- and after the first shuttle
to the hospital -- will be taught genuine major
league hand signals. Imagine the fun when you learn 101 new
ways to scratch your own nuts! And to think you passed on the
Genital Origami class in college.
3 - Free Protective Mask Night*
with a 2003' new Jays emblem on it! Oh the joy when the scare
is over and you put your mask up for auction on E-Bay! Who's
in da money now, baby? (Other than the local hospitals, that
*for 1st 30 fans in attendance
4 - Trade for Derek Jeter
it now! while he's not yet back to full strength and Gen. George
is still hating-down on his party habits. The "Hunk Factor"
is guaranteed to pack your stadium nightly -- unless of course
we find out that Jeter is the major leaguer that has been rumored
to bat from the other side of the plate. Ouch. SOS! Save our
5 - Village People Family Reunion & Fireworks Show
Speaking of studs...Just think of the magic when the Village
People perform YMCA while handling their own pyrotechnics! Can
you say: Lawsuit! Nevertheless, if the V-Peeps manage to get
one "wave" started, they have done their civic duty
and can retire once again to the Big YMCA in the Skydome --
because no way in hell they will ever get out alive. Can anyone
actually name a second song these dress-ups have sung?
6 - Groupie/Player Orgy Night
need to stick around for even one inning after this pre-game
ceremony. Protection? Who needs stinkin' protection when your
whole city is going to be quarantined until 2005? Mills Lane
makes a special appearance, via satellite, to chime in: "Let's
Get it On!"
7 - Win
It's called "a winning record." Hint: You don't
have one. You want SARS to be the excuse throughout the summer
and on into the fall, just keep on losing, suckas. It will be
interesting to see how many seats you sign on Fan Appreciation
Day -- cause there ain't gonna be anybody left in them to watch
your sorry-asses play.
to Do in Toronto While You're Dying:
THING NO. 1:
THING NO. 2:
Tell everyone to "f*ck off, you hoser," while blowing
smoke in their face.
THING NO. 3:
Planes, Trains and Automobiles -- dream that one could transpo
you out of that hellhole.
THING NO. 4:
Be thankful you are not French Canadians. Excuse us, Freedom
(not in order of preference)
Bacarach vs. Mini Me
2. Dr. Evil vs. Mole!!!!
3. H. Graham vs. My Shorty, baby!
4. Gay Mafia vs. Mike Ovitz
All Hosers vs. H. Graham!!!
Bluejays vs. SARS