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Joke of the Week

"Before the fight Friday night, Mike Tyson was complaining of problems and asking for his nose, ear & throat man. Although the doctor never showed up it was clear once the fight was over that Tyson was right: His nose was bloodied, his ears wrung, and in his throat the echo of one word: choke."

New Issue - Every Monday
June 10-16 , 2002
WASHINGTON - Not only did
George W. Bush
know more about 9/11 before the attacks, but this week it was revealed that the President also knew about Enron well before their collapse, and his own stupidity long before he was sworn in as Commander-in-Chief.

In a letter leaked by unknown sources (Ernie & Bert) the President confesses to his favorite role model.
Leter too Big Birde:
June 3, 2000

To: Big Birde

From: Future Presidentte

Dear Mr. Birde:

I no ur only 6 yeers olde, butt stil I feel lik ur my bigg brotther. Write now I am runing fer the presidentte of the United Stattes, and between you an me, I am purdy scarred. Bekause I am afriad the goode peoples of Amerika will diskover wat I am: stupid. :(

I wish u kould bee my vice-guy, as u are funner then the olde man dey putt by my cide. Anyweigh, how is ur bestest freind, Snufflepagus? I wishe I kould bee ur bestest freind. Cum vizit me in my White Hause one day, k?

Urs Truely,

George (Jorge in Mexican) Bushe

P.S. I hav been practising my Alphabit song!

HOLLYWOOD - The "artist" formerly known as Jennifer Lopez and her husband Chris Judd have parted ways after not even a year of marriage. A showbiz marriage that didn't last beyond a year? Say it ain't so. If only it was P. Diddy, then in addition to the split at least the diva could have enjoyed a good pistol-whipping.

Represenatives of the couple gave no reason for the spilt, but if we could read minds...

HOLLYWOOD - The E! Network gave Anna Nicole Smith her own Reality Show, and the reality is, we just can't seem to figure out which of the three will be starring in it.

Her Breasts: "Who do you think moron?"

Our bad.

MEMPHIS - Brawler, and all around thug, Mike Tyson met his maker Satuday night, getting KO'd in the eighth round by champion Lennox Lewis. Not that Mike could've figured it out anyway, but when the ref asked him a pertinent question, Iron Mike was clueless.

On the other hand, the "pugilist" Lennox Lewis was just smart enough to figure out how many fingers he should up.

Of course, when he was finally able to stand, Mr. Eyes Wide Shut--showing that his PR people and meds worked fine--thanked Lewis for kicking the shit out of him and then asked for something that apparently he was the only one to see...

"I hope you give me another chance to fight you, because I'm pretty sure I can beat you."

Now there's a desperate man unable to hear the music the rest of the world was rejoicing in...

BEVERLY HILLS - Poor Winona, first a cameraman sprained her arm and then the judge refused to dismiss felony charges against her. And to add a another insult to injury, the security guard on duty the day she "allegedly" robbed Saks said he thought she was a homeless person. What's next? Everyone Winona ever slept with--which includes the entire rock n' roll world--coming forward to say that she was a lousy lay?

"I may be a lousy lay and a thief, but I am not a homeless person."
Space Cadet

"So maybe the qualifications of being in a Boy Band aren't as tough as going to space. So what."

CAPE CANAVERAL - The new commander of the International Space Station quipped on Saturday that he would rather see supermodel Cindy Crawford become the next space tourist to visit the station than boy-band performer Lance Bass. And if given the choice, would you rather be trapped in space with: someone who could kill you softly with their song, or someone who you could snap-one-off to softly while she's asleep?

Cindy: "I think the decision should come down to brains."

Russian Astronauts: "I smuggled some extra toilet paper for you, Ms. Crawford."

LOS ANGELES -Although he stated that homosexuals should be respected, the Reverend Falwell started his appearance on a Nickelodeon News Special Edition: My Family Is Different with a disclaimer: "The Bible condemns homosexuality as wrong," and "I feel that gay parenting is not overall a good thing."

Also on the program, Rosie O'Donnell, a mother of three adopted children, grabbed her crotch and called out to the Reverend, "I got your respect right here, Cisco." At which time she opened her fly and out came respect, all 10 inches of it.


"Ok, so I got no replies from the ad I posted on May 27. And that's ok...jerks...I am appearing in Goldmember this summer, and although my member would be considered far less then bronze, I have received enough money to develop my own project, "The Untitled Oompa Loompa Project." If Mike Myers can play all those parts, you don't think I can get famous playing every Oompa Loompa part? Wake up and smell the coffee, my career is set and I don't need to be your stinking Cabana Boy anymore. And if it made sense to tell you to get on your knees and suck my dick, then I would. But actually, if you were on your knees, you would probably come up to my forehead..."

"Yeah, the little f*ck has a point there."

"Do I make you randy, baby?"

The Horny Men's Club


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