- After he briefly transferred the presidency to Vice President Dick
Cheney, President George Bush underwent a successful colonoscopy over
the weekend. The colonoscopy revealed something besides tumors M.I.A.:
ma, woo-wee look at me, I'm president!"
he awoke the President was a wee bit limp-wristed when he asked for
a cigarette and the private phone numbers for Siegfried and Roy.
next time I feel that kind of magic, I would prefer being awake."
political news, the Bush Administration has decided that Yasser Arafat
must go. They're giving him two options: A) Die a fiery Israeli tank
death, or B) An all-expense paid trip to the Disneyland of the Caribbean:
would be willing to throw down a few baseballs, a cigar, and some
cheap hookers with Fidel, yes."
- Award-winning actor Robert Blake was deemed a "flight risk"
by a Los Angeles judge this week and denied bail. When asked if he agreed
with the decision, Blake proved that he could still act up a storm when
he let one word trip off his tongue:
Court TV immediately
contacted his agent and a deal is said to be in the works.
Rain didn't stop the opening of Britney Spear's new Restaurant Nyla
this past week. Fans who turned out in numbers, hoping to catch a glimpse
of the Pop Princess with Justin Timberlake of N'Stink, were disappointed
when Britney showed up with another date--the Pop Princess' papa. Spears
said the night was "all about food...And I know food." When
asked how well she knew her date, she replied: "Let's just say,
he's always enjoyed eating me out, excuse me, duh, that was so lame,
I meant eating out with me. This cooch is so cherry." Our
resident shrink said there was nothing Freudian in the statement. He
was promptly fired.
I did it again. Sorry, daddy."
- Proving that America knows no bounds when it comes to spreading our
good will to neighboring countries, Jerry Springer has closed a deal
to host his own South African television talk show. When reached for
comment, Springer said: "This show will be different, because I don't
understand South African culture." We give him a week--tops--to locate
the trailer park.
wait till Jerry locates what's up my skirt. America's got nothing
on South Africa, mate."
- Perhaps spurred on by the recent news of Stone Cold Steve Austin's
spousal abuse, Frasier star Kelsey Grammer has managed to halt
production on MTV's World Wrestling Entertainment series Tough Enough
in Malibu. The actor claimed the show would be a disruption to the area
and set a bad example for the locals who see their Malibu as an exclusive
"way of life." Grammer then returned to his "way of life,"
chasing cocaine back with Tequila shots, while giving the neighbor's
dog a hot-foot.
and cocaine-oh my.
Just hope they keep my room open at my favorite
Malibu rehab center Promises. For only $25,000 a month, it's a
- After going bust, the women of Enron's busts will soon be on display
in a Playboy pictorial. Next
up for the gentleman (Hef) who always prefers blondes: The Women of
Washington bare their assets.
show you assets, sistah. Little Kim watchout. I am Lady Marmalade
- A major brouhaha ensued this week when Today Show co-anchor
Katie Couric took conservative firebrand Ann Coulter to task for characterizing
her as some kind of liberal lapdog in her book. To which we can only
reply: Does anyone really give a rat's ass? We've already got our resident
bitches--Osama, Saddam, and the women of Sex in the City--do
we really need more?
just hope the Celebrity Boxing people were watching. I may have
a perfect smile, but when it comes right down to it, I know I
can scratch, pull hair and bite better than Tyson did recently."
LAND - In her own words, Rosie O'Donnel came out this week saying: "I'm
no longer a TV talk-show host. The bitch ain't so nice anymore." After
which she went on to trash Bill Clinton, Liza Minelli and Michael Jackson,
saying about the latter: "I make it a point not to speak to pedohphiles."
She does, however, go out of her way to speak to anyone wearing a "I
have sperm that I'm willing to donate" button on their lapel.
If she really wants my f*ckin' stuff, let her send me some f*ckin'
Viagra and I'll see what I can do.
I don't need the Viagra, dad.
Ozzy: Oh f*ck off, although I still love you like a model father
this is a job for the Whizzer of Oz, not some freak kid whose
idea of sperm is smooshed between a Calista Flockheart spread
in US Magazine.