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Proof that soccer is catching on with just about everyone...

New Issue - Every Monday
July 1-8 , 2002

WASHINGTON - After he briefly transferred the presidency to Vice President Dick Cheney, President George Bush underwent a successful colonoscopy over the weekend. The colonoscopy revealed something besides tumors M.I.A.: a brain.

"Hey, ma, woo-wee look at me, I'm president!"

When he awoke the President was a wee bit limp-wristed when he asked for a cigarette and the private phone numbers for Siegfried and Roy.

"The next time I feel that kind of magic, I would prefer being awake."

In other political news, the Bush Administration has decided that Yasser Arafat must go. They're giving him two options: A) Die a fiery Israeli tank death, or B) An all-expense paid trip to the Disneyland of the Caribbean: Cuba.

"I would be willing to throw down a few baseballs, a cigar, and some cheap hookers with Fidel, yes."

LOS ANGELES - Award-winning actor Robert Blake was deemed a "flight risk" by a Los Angeles judge this week and denied bail. When asked if he agreed with the decision, Blake proved that he could still act up a storm when he let one word trip off his tongue:

"Superfragicagilousandexpialidotious."

Court TV immediately contacted his agent and a deal is said to be in the works.

"Do I make you randy, baby?"

The Horny Men's Club

NEW YORK- Rain didn't stop the opening of Britney Spear's new Restaurant Nyla this past week. Fans who turned out in numbers, hoping to catch a glimpse of the Pop Princess with Justin Timberlake of N'Stink, were disappointed when Britney showed up with another date--the Pop Princess' papa. Spears said the night was "all about food...And I know food." When asked how well she knew her date, she replied: "Let's just say, he's always enjoyed eating me out, excuse me, duh, that was so lame, I meant eating out with me. This cooch is so cherry." Our resident shrink said there was nothing Freudian in the statement. He was promptly fired.

"Oops, I did it again. Sorry, daddy."

JOHANNESBURG - Proving that America knows no bounds when it comes to spreading our good will to neighboring countries, Jerry Springer has closed a deal to host his own South African television talk show. When reached for comment, Springer said: "This show will be different, because I don't understand South African culture." We give him a week--tops--to locate the trailer park.

"Just wait till Jerry locates what's up my skirt. America's got nothing on South Africa, mate."

HOLLYWOOD - Perhaps spurred on by the recent news of Stone Cold Steve Austin's spousal abuse, Frasier star Kelsey Grammer has managed to halt production on MTV's World Wrestling Entertainment series Tough Enough in Malibu. The actor claimed the show would be a disruption to the area and set a bad example for the locals who see their Malibu as an exclusive "way of life." Grammer then returned to his "way of life," chasing cocaine back with Tequila shots, while giving the neighbor's dog a hot-foot.

"Emmy's and cocaine-oh my. Just hope they keep my room open at my favorite Malibu rehab center Promises. For only $25,000 a month, it's a steal."

HOUSTON - After going bust, the women of Enron's busts will soon be on display in a Playboy pictorial. Next up for the gentleman (Hef) who always prefers blondes: The Women of Washington bare their assets.

"I'll show you assets, sistah. Little Kim watchout. I am Lady Marmalade now, Sugar."

NEW YORK - A major brouhaha ensued this week when Today Show co-anchor Katie Couric took conservative firebrand Ann Coulter to task for characterizing her as some kind of liberal lapdog in her book. To which we can only reply: Does anyone really give a rat's ass? We've already got our resident bitches--Osama, Saddam, and the women of Sex in the City--do we really need more?

"I just hope the Celebrity Boxing people were watching. I may have a perfect smile, but when it comes right down to it, I know I can scratch, pull hair and bite better than Tyson did recently."

DISGRUNTLED LAND - In her own words, Rosie O'Donnel came out this week saying: "I'm no longer a TV talk-show host. The bitch ain't so nice anymore." After which she went on to trash Bill Clinton, Liza Minelli and Michael Jackson, saying about the latter: "I make it a point not to speak to pedohphiles." She does, however, go out of her way to speak to anyone wearing a "I have sperm that I'm willing to donate" button on their lapel.

Ozzy: If she really wants my f*ckin' stuff, let her send me some f*ckin' Viagra and I'll see what I can do.

Jack: I don't need the Viagra, dad.

Ozzy: Oh f*ck off, although I still love you like a model father this is a job for the Whizzer of Oz, not some freak kid whose idea of sperm is smooshed between a Calista Flockheart spread in US Magazine.


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