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Who would like to remind you: Everyone is beautiful in their own way.

New Issue - Every Monday
July 7-15 , 2002

FREAK LAND- The Maharishi says what the world needs now is love, sweet love, and with the help of a mere 1 billion dollars he can accomplish just that. And we thought Dianetics was good!

The money will be used to train hundreds of "guiding lights of peace," most in his native country of India. The Rishi says once his lights are in place--and his 50 escorts, 10 Olympic size swimming pools, and disco ball--he can rid the entire world of destruction.*

*"All except Pakistan who, I promise, will burn to the ground when we here in India open our can of mushroom-cloud-whoop-ass on them."

PHILADELPHIA - Referring to Lil Bow Wow's ability to throw down a slam jam in the possibly Oscar-winning (according to many ass kissing critics in cities you've never heard of) basketball movie Like Mike, the literate, and maybe up for a Best Supporting Thug award, Allen Iverson asks: "How'd he do that?"

Well Allen, you should know this formula: You take one part rap bastard, add some drugs, or in this case: electrocution (basically the same thing), travel with a large, and very intelligent posse, carry a "piece" and pistol-whip the wimpiest Jewish movie mogul you can find and voila: You have the talent to be a star, in any medium.

"Yo Dawg, the only thing I really want "like Mike" is the endorsement deals so I can afford all the hookers and blow...and money to get a haircut at Supercuts so I don't look like a girl."

NEW YORK - Speaking of dawgs, Japanese professional speed-eater Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi destroyed the competition for the second consecutive year at the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July international hot dog eating contest, scarfing down 50 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. Which tops the old record of sinking his hot dog into 42 intern buns in 15 minutes, set by former President Bill Clinton.

"When I think of some of those buns he porked, I just couldn't hold them down anymore and the Jackie Chan of hot dogs won."

PHILADELPHIA - Bill Cosby is on a witch hunt. He kicked longtime family friend Gladys Rodgers, who lived with the Cosby clan at their Philadelphia estate since 1983, out of his home after his spiritual advisor, David Kirby, said he found evidence that the woman is a witch. In her defense, Rogers claims she is not a witch, only a Methodist. Whereas Cosby claims he is not a comedian, only a man who has seen the Crucible one too many times.

"Just because I see witches, you think I inhale?"

MIAMI - Saddam Hussein's stepson, Mohammed Nour al-Din Saffi, has been arrested on immigration charges after enrolling in a flight school that had been used by one of the 9/11 hijackers. According to the INS, Saffi was traveling as a tourist and had not applied for a student visa that would have allowed him to take courses. He his, however, eligible to apply for the position of janitor at the San Onofre Power Plant. And you thought we're not a great country.

"I am highly offended that my kin has been treated so badly by America and cannot understand why."

WASHINGTON D.C. - Growing numbers of teenagers are spending their summers hanging out by the pool or at the mall instead of flipping burgers, mowing yards or even looking for a job. Which means, hide your drugs well, ma and pa.

This summer, economists expect the rate of teens who shun summer jobs to hit an all-time high. Also on the rise will be Red Bull & Jack ODs, genital crabs, and the ratings for the Anna Nicole Smith Show on E!

"I just want to give the kids something to bring back to Show & Tell if they do decide to return to the classroom in the fall. I myself will be returning to the court room to fight till the end for the money my beloved 145-year-old husband left me."

"Do I make you randy, baby?"

The Horny Men's Club

LOS ANGELES - Ten years after playing the saxophone on MTV in a defining moment of his 1992 campaign for president, Bill Clinton is returning to the cable music channel to discuss the global AIDS epidemic. Clinton will join a panel and be on hand to describe how, contrary to other tendencies, he always practices safe sax.

"I will never blow his horn, refuse to blow his horn, but if he ever wants to sit down with a nice Cuban cigar..."

LAND OF OZ- Sharon Osbourne underwent cancer surgery this past weekend and the aching question is, Will it make an episode of next season's show?

Die-hard fans, who are biding summer time away by watching Brandy learn the proper breathing techniques for her first baby's birth!, say they deserve to be shown the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Otherwise how can MTV say it upholds solid American values any longer?

Sharon: When the time comes, I will make the decision that is best for my family and all the millions of people who have nothing better to do in their lives than pretend they're a part of my family.

Ozzy: I have seen my f*ckin' family, America, and you are not it. Get a f*ckin' life ya wankers.

Your Neighborhood - The Jehovah's Witnesses would like it to be known that they are taking a little summer break and in the meantime, would like to issue this warning:

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