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Who would like to remind you: Everyone is beautiful in their own way.

New Issue - Every Monday
July 21-28 , 2002

FREAK LAND- Michael Jackson was in the news recently when he cried "racism!" over the way his record company dealt with his latest album that tanked. That's a good one: a man who is neither African American nor human using the race-card. Funny that he couldn't even get Al Sharpton to stick around for this one.

"If I'm not Black then why can I still moonwalk and put on a white glove and sleep in an oxygen tank and hang out with Elephant Man bones, huh?

LONDON - Speaking of pedophiles, George Michael is causing a stir with his latest music video depicting President Bush as an "idiot" (can't fault him on that one) and Prime Minister Tony Blair as Bush's "lap dog." The video also shows Michaels in bed with Blair's wife, saying: "Cherie, baby...stay with me tonight/Let's have some fun while Tony's stateside." And unless Cherie is a soccer mom and can hand the keys to the minivan to Michaels, look for "fun" to consist of a game of "Who Looks Better in Women's Panties & Garter Belts?"

"Just like Michael Jackson, I am a misunderstood, creative genius. Can I go to juvenile court please?"

HOLLYWEIRD - Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Billy-Bob this week and we can only say: SAY IT AIN'T SO! A marriage made in Hollywood heaven gone awry. No way.

Jolie was quoted as saying: "I'm angry. I'm sad. It's a very difficult and sad time. It was a real deep connection, a deep marriage, so it's not simple to say this or that caused the problems. It's clear to me our priorities shifted overnight." Must have been that night Jolie transferred her vial of blood to Baby Maddox's necklace and Billy-Bob transferred his semen to the next crackpot actress who would have him.

"Our connection was so deep that I wore her panties on every film set."

"And I wore his B.O. cause I could never wash it off."

TRAILER TRASH TOWN - While the Jerry Springer Show was voted as the worst program of all-time by TV guide, another culprit, Rikki Lake says she will change her show's format to reflect both her and the show's growing maturity. Isn't that kind of like Pee-Wee Herman declaring he's an adult and then turning right around and getting busted for public masturbation? Which is just what Lake's show will continue to be: masturbation material for the developmentally-trailer trash-challenged.

BOYBANDVILLE- It turns out a duo for the band N'Sync is not quite in sync at all these days. While Lance Bass is pining to go into space with Russian cosmonauts and "take one small step for boy banders everywhere," band mate Joey Fatone is looking to pay his Rent on Broadway. Now if the Russian Space Agency could only go belly-up and the director of Rent could send Fatone an eviction notice, then the two would be free to sync back up with their band mates just the way all adults would prefer: with a suicide pact.

"We're not going anywhere America! We're boy banders for life. Get used to it!"

HOLLYWOOD - Steven Segal's former partner Julius Nasso was indicted along with 17 members of the Gambino Crime Family for allegedly trying to shake the actor down for $700,000, money Segal said went to a better cause--his acting lessons. Which goes to show that money definitely can't buy everything, especially talent in Segal's case.

Nasso was upset because Segal--who believes he is a reincarnated Lama--broke off their partnership because he was under the influence of a Buddhist spiritual advisor, who told Seagal that making violent films was bad for his karma. We are happy to report that Segal's karma is now improving, as evidenced by the peace and love he brings forth to the world every day:

PHILADELPHIA - Model citizen Allen Iverson of the 76ers was allowed to wait until his lawyer returned from vacation before turning himself in to authorities on like 393 felony charges accumulated after he threw his wife out of the house naked and went looking for her packing heat and an amazing IQ. Next up for Allen: running for mayor in the City of Brotha-ly Love.

"That's why we gots the Liberty Bell in our city, because men like me have been wronged all our lives. If this was L.A., I'd be getting my head bashed in."

Or basking in the glow of three championship trophies, you LOSER.

"Do I make you randy, baby?"

The Horny Men's Club

This week: "Sex in the City"

WASHINGTON D.C. - George W. Bush said recently that if he couldn't get the economy back in order, he would not only stand on his head to beat all deals, but he would also don a dress and offer his body up for auction on E-Bay in an effort to boost the struggling economy.

CURRENT BID - $12.99 by BubbasTiredOfInterns@formerpres.com

Apparently the only thing George is going to be boosting is a certain someone's trophy case and another headache for Hillary.

REHAB - According to a statement released by his publicist, David Hasselhoff is going to spend his 50th Birthday in high fashion: at the Betty Ford Clinic where he will be treated for alcoholism and a really bad case of the "horrific-actor-blues."

Ozzy: Are you f*ckin' high? I look like Larry Oliver next to that washed-up wanker. No Pamela Anderson CPR is going to help that poor f*ck.

Jack: Hey, dad, would I get Hep C if I let Pam go all CPR on me?

Ozzy: How many f*ckin' times do I have to tell you, twit? We have an image to protect. The only f*ckin' one going to CPR you is your sister.

Kelly: Barf.

Sharon: Just as long as the cameras are rolling, dear.

The Jehovah's Witnesses are on summer vacation and have delegated their harassment's to someone else:

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