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This Week
A Bunch of Dysfunctional People Known Affectionately as: Americans

New Issue - Every Monday
last update:
"I have got the answers. I am the president. Which means I am the smartest man in the nation, which means you must abide by the main man"

OREGON - It seems this forest fire thing has been out of control for centuries. Where has a man like George W. Bush been all these hundreds of years--when land and homes and chicks and cows and geese were burning? When peoples' lives were going up in flames? And we are not just talking Richard Simmons.

All we can say now is "Hallelujah" for such a brilliant president who finally came up with an answer: LET'S CUT DOWN ALL THE TREES. VOILA, NO MORE FIRES. Wow. Brilliant. Who would've thunk it...other than the logging industry.

We can only hope that America follows Bush's lead and immediately begins chopping down any tree in sight. Hell, while we're at it, let's
get the plants and flowers too. We don't need no stinking oxygen, only less forest fires and we'll all live happily ever after, one nation under Bush with liberty and justice for all....and a lot of toilet paper.

"Amen! And Unguard. I challenge all evildoer trees to defy the main man."

And at some random podium...

"I not only shed a tear for all my tree friends, I shed a tear for all the squirrels who live in the trees, and bears who depend on honey in the trees, and heck, the innocent camper that just needs to take a leak somewhere."

"Everybody sing: Walk like a man, talk like a man...Who's with me?"

Ah, the good Ol' Al days: When trees were trees and Al wasn't the only Democrat available for a Dubya-whooping.

"That's my boy. Stay out of his way you evil-tree doers."

LE LAVANDOU, France - The mayor of a French Mediterranean town, faced with a cemetery ''full to bursting,'' has banned local residents from dying until he can find somewhere else to bury them.

Hell, ship the stiffs to America, where soon enough we'll have plenty of plots of land for lease. For the right price, we'll sell ice to the Eskimos, Midol to Mariah Carey or dumb-ass pills to a certain president.

LONDON - Family members tend not to like the way each other smell, researchers say, speculating that the unpleasant stink of your closest relatives may be one of nature's ways of discouraging incest.

Thank God!

"I would like to announce my six-month hiatus from making miracles. All three of us will miss y'all, but we'll see ya soon."

Britney a teen role model no more!

The Pop Princess says she no longer finds drinking, smoking and sex to be "such a big deal." (Especially with Justin Timberlake, in which case it was such a small deal.) In an interview with People magazine, the 20-year-old singer said she feels at ease with her more "mature," less innocent image of late.

Right...mature...excuse us for failing to notice anything but Dr. Schienbaum's excellent work. And we are not talking dental.

She also denied that her six-month hiatus was the result of an emotional meltdown. "The first week, I was so excited I was off that I partied every night. I drink, and I give head," she told People Magazine.

"Smoking, drinking, sex, giving head -- why is it such a big deal for me? As you get to 20, you grow up, you experiment--although you do some serious mouth washing afterwards. You feel more comfortable in your own skin." We know many of you would feel comfy in her skin too.

As for the mothers of the 12-year-olds Britney inspires, they feel more comfortable entrusting their daughters future in someone else's skin. Someone who makes no false pretenses that she is anything but a whore.

"Unlike a virgin, I have not been touched for the very first time."

More Pop Smear

MONTREAL - Canadian comics posing as singer Celine Dion persuaded Spears to sing a duet with golfer Tiger Woods called "Let's Make a Hole in One" for a bogus charity event.

Montreal comic Marc Audette, deftly imitating the voice of French-Canadian diva Dion, chatted with Spears on the telephone about each woman's charity foundations. After a few minutes of mutual ass-kissing, Audette got down to business and invited Spears to come to Montreal and visit "her club" -- in reality, a popular Montreal strip joint.

The comic asked Spears to participate in the charity, rattling off a list of other famous people who will be there. "Tiger Woods, one of my personal friends, just promised me he's going to sing a very special song in duo with you and it's going to be called "Let's Make a Hole in One," Audette gushes.

"Oh, I would so be interested, oh my goodness, definitely," Spears replied. "When do you all want to do it?"

Their answer should have been: As soon as hell freezes over, your tits fall off and you are a virgin all over again.

HANOVER, Germany - Under the heading: "That's Entertainment," A performing brown bear entertaining folks in a German retirement home accidentally sat on a 90-year-old and killed her.

''Nora,'' a 485-pound brown bear, was being led into a hall when she stumbled over the woman's wheelchair, lost her footing and fell on the woman, who later died in hospital from her injuries. They just don't make performing bears like they used to.

Bertha Scweitzer, a former guest on the German version of COPS, said she had no idea why she was rounded up with the usual suspects.

NEW YORK - J. Lo is being sued by a company called Glow Industries after the Diva announced the launch of her new perfume "Glow by J. Lo." The real Glow perfume has been smelling up stores like Nordstrom since 1999. But J. Lo is relentless and said she is going ahead with her line because she has been smelling up pop culture since 1990.

"C'mon, I could sell farts from my ass and still beat Glow Industry sales."

HOLLYWOOD - Speaking of sales, a special thanks to all you highly evolved "human beings" for tuning into the Anna Nicole Smith Show in the millions. May we suggest a bullet hole to your thick skull to put your mundane life out of misery? Or an all-expense paid trip to the Afghani cave of your choice? Would you go for spot on Survivor where your 15 minutes of fame would include roasting a rat over an open fire and then getting the Bubonic Plague?

LOS ANGELES - There's love in the air as the daughter of Elvis Presley, Lisa Marie Presley recently married Nicholas Cage. Which is one small step up from Michael Jackson, one giant leap into yet another ill-fated Hollywood marriage and a trip to some rehab within 6 months.

"C'mon, look how happy she is! We're great!"

LAS VEGAS- Speaking of Lisa's ex, Michael Jackson appeared at a performance by Las Vegas magicians and Big Wheel fanatics Siegfried and Roy with his two children: 5-year-old son Prince Michael and 4-year-old daughter Paris, plus an infant boy he introduced as his third child...

"What can I say, people just want me. Can't wait till daddy throws his first bone my way."

LONDON, England - Actor Verne Troyer has been forced to rethink his strategy after it was reported that tall men are likely to have more kids than their shorter contemporaries.

"Hmm, finding condoms my size was always hard, anyway. Come to think of it, finding anyone but hookers to shag me is pretty hard, too. Oh well, so much for a land of Mini-Me Munchkins roaming the earth."

BERLIN - An aging Berlin playboy has come up with an unusual offer to lure women into his bed by promising the last woman he sleeps with an inheritance of $244,000. (Far too little for Anna Nicole to pop enough Prozac and get on a plane to Germany.)

Rolf Eden, a 72-year-old disco owner famous in the German capital for his countless number of sex partners, said he could imagine no better way to die than in the arms of a young woman--preferrably under 30.

As expected, the phone has been ringing off the hook. One woman, just under 30, guaranteed she would be the last one Eden sleeps with.

Ok, ok, two "large people" jokes in one issue. So sue us. Name us in your class action suit against Southwestern Airlines, why don't you? We'll save the aisle seat for you. Y'all come back now ya hear?

The Horny Men's Club

This week: "Back to School"