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It's the new sub-genre that's taking over our culture like a George Bush prayer group: Reality Television's makeover phase. Hello Fab Five, escapees from the Martha Stewart State Pen, out of the closet and ready to save uncouth, heterosexual men everywhere! As one of them might say: "Whatever!"

Okay, to answer the question you PC-ers would like to ask: N-O. The FF do not threaten our "fragile" male egos.

The UNMASKED GAYSADERS are just as innocuous as the rest of the attention-starved whoremongers who parade their sh*t in front of our Narcissusian airwaves. Just as deluded in the belief that they're doing something noble for society, akin to say: finding a way to assassinate Carrot Top. When in REALITY, what these hens are engaged in, is one big panty raid -- with tea parties thrown in to celebrate their kill.

Hey girlies, just in case you ever want to discard the panties and infiltrate the straight world, like, say, on a top-secret mission to implant hetero men with the G-chip (so we all dress more colorful and join the Celine Dion Fan Club), you'd be wise to read:

Comedy Ave's:

Straight Eye For the Queer Guy!


"Do I look like I need a makeover to you!? Next question...No, I have no comment on queer folks anywhere. Next question... "


"So what if they criticized your presidential style (not that you have any), Did you hear what they said about me? For chrissake, I'm only a vegetable. At least I'm not running for office like that lame-o Gallagher."

 

Kyan Douglas - Grooming Guru

Dude, what's with the first name? Was your parents retahded? Mistook a 'R' for a 'K'? Whatever. Moving on. We know the show hypes you as the Blowinator, but if you ever plan to go undercover in Straightsville you'd better blow your own comb-over right back atop that head of yours. That droopy-soggy-mop look just ain't gonna cut it with the beer and peanut crowd.

The other thing: Is there anything we can do about those lips of yours? I'm at a serious loss here.

Let's face it, if your lips were on earth to send out a mating call to the entire cast of La Cage Au Follies, you'd be well served.

But in this case, it's troublesome. I understand they have been etched that way for survival purposes, but maybe you could enroll in some Post Collagen De-Puckering class? (Consult Dyan Cannon.) As for your natural lotions and potions, chuck em'. Around here, real men use one thing - Right Guard. Keep going left and you'll never be "super" in a straight guy's eye.

Ted Allen - Food and Wine Connoisseur

Ted, you get props right off the bat. While you may not be ready for an all-out attack on the Hetero World - you'd fit nicely in at any independent film festival. From there to Straightsville is another production. One that, frankly, our budget can't handle - especially for a subject as dull as yourself.

However, we will provide you with COMEDY AVE's Food and Wine Tip: Hot dogs, apple pie, and some good ole Boone's Farm. Need we say more? Okay, one thing. How would you feel about a little bribe to "off" Carson with some dastardly soufflé?
Jai Rodriguez - Culture Vulture

Dude, what's with the first name? Was your parents retahded? Mistook a 'y' for an 'i'? Whatever. Moving on. In the straight man's world, culture comes in four letters: ESPN. Watch it until you know the difference between LeBron and Bagaric (about 89 million), have an opinion on Pete Rose (crook), and are clear on the proper time to deliver the Stu Scott Call of the Wild: "boo-yah!" Jai, honey, don't jump to conclusions. It shouldn't be at a disco dance-off between your cast and Queer as Folk. And because we like to hedge our bets, we're placing our money on a queer.

We interrupt this makeover for a message from our conscience!

G
etting a little sensitive because we're using the word "queer" too often? Maybe the executive producers should have thought of that BEFORE they set out to perpetuate, and exploit, gay stereotypes everywhere. Hum along: "On with the Gays this is it!"

Thom Filicia - Design Doctor

Dude, what's with the first name? Was your parents retahded? Are you actually on the show? Can't remember you from the furniture. Oh yeah, you're the guy who masturbates to an image of a Bed, Bath and Beyond store. You don't deserve more ink than that. You're boring. Be gone with you so we can smear the real queer.
Carson Kressley - Fashion Savant

Carson, Carson, Carson. You walking Cosmopolitan, you. Where does one begin to rip you a new asshole? Or is there even one left to be ripped? Low blow. But let's face it, trying to pin down your conquests would be harder than locating Iraqi WMD.

Dude, the only way you'd be incognito at a straight affair is if you weren't born. That being said, what if, like, you wanted to infiltrate a baseball game, say, in Chicago? (Maybe you could pretend to be the bat inspector!) Now, that's something we can work with.

We'd start by ditching that Hawaiian Luau tablecloth you're wearing and outfit you in a retro Cubs' jersey - preferably one with any number but 69 on it. Next, we don't usually recommend this for ANY man over thirty but, you would look so cool with a backwards baseball cap! Hint: it should be inscribed with the letter 'C'.

Add some blue jeans, that don't require a fork-lift to get into, let the five-o'clock shadow roam, and voila, insta-stud! Lastly, when you're asked to rise and sing during the seventh-inning stretch, please, whatever you do, refrain from breaking into Abba's "Dancing Queen." Because, and this goes to all the FF: We do know you're here, and we do know you're queer. Bravo! Bravo! You can take a bow. Just don't drop the soap.

Alternative programming for non-queer lovers:

Rush Limbaugh
You can catch his hot wind blowing over many airwaves -- and teenage hookers

Reno PD
That Officer Dangle is to die for! Oops.

Kobe Bryant TV
Allen Iverson count your lucky stars

Arnie Goes to Colliefornia
Anyone who runs for public office should be required to pronounce the name of the State the office is in. Although that eliminates 98% of the population in CAL-I-FOR-NIA.

Speaking of Faux Queers...



F*cking puhleeze. DO NOT try to extend your whoriness (read: career) by shacking up with the younger babes. Your vitality can be summed up with three letters: O-L-D.



PLEASE! STOP TRYING TO "OUT" THEM!



"I know I dress hip, and my hair is always cute, but I'm not gay. Ask J. Lo Affleck. That was a great bachelorette party, booty--er--I mean--baby."



"Listen, even if I did have intimate relations with a gerbil, does that make me gay? Really. Can you leave me alone so I can meditate? There's a lot of hatred and discrimination I have to burn away with my thought rays."




"Why am I even on this list?? Anyhoo, I think the Fab Five need to add a Fitness Guru. What do you think America?! I love you all!! If I was a stud, I'd want to have all your babies!"




"I'm suing the guy who owns this website for even having my picture up here. Don't call me sensitive, bitch. Actually, who's that blond guy on the left? He's kind of cute. Perhaps he'd fall for a fey looking mega-star whose turn-ons include: Money, fame, Oprah, power, and cults."






© 2003 Comedy Ave. Prods. All rights reserved. Steal our stuff and make money off it, you die a fiery death -- no 72 virgins either. Comedy Ave. is an equal opportunity offender.