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This Week

Two fat cows just trying to
make a go of "Reality"

Doprah Book Club Recommends: Michael Moore's "Stupid White Men"
The Day of Laughter is::

WASHINGTON D.C. - President Bush did a 360 degree turn today on his crusade to rid the world of Saddam Hussein--and anyone else who dares to look at the Bush Clan with Marty Feldman Eyes or supply Jeb Bush's daughter Noelle with crack cocaine or Laura Bush with the 2002 It's a David Hasselhoff Christmas Calendar.

In an exclusive and uncommonly witty address to High Times Magazine, the President said that a recent Berkeley "hemp-in," hosted by Woody Harrelson, Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and a group of natural smelling tree-huggers, has changed his perception from one of "war," to peace, love and Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream.

"Heck," the President said with a chuckle, "be you Black, White, Brown or the Red Hot Chile Peppers, I have one message Under Jah for all the world to hear..."

After all thought of "getting along" was quickly nixed by Papa Smurf Bush, Colin Powell keeps a close eye on the boy who looks like he was born with a bong in his mouth, as Baby Smurf wakes up from his dope haze and puts it all in perspective...

"Dudes...this ain't no disco. This is war, man."

The message was heard loud and clear...

But wait, not everyone was in agreement...

"Hola, me llamo es Ralph de Verde. Allow me to whine?"

MEXICO - Former presidential candidate Ralph Nader was quoted in the Spanish daily newspaper El Mundo, of all places, saying that the only reason we are going to war with Iraq is to take the focus away from the corporate fraud that seems to be going around like a case of the Clinton Intern Crabs.

"I pledge allegiance, to the Fat Cats, of United States of America...with liberty, justice and maybe one intern-minus the crabs-for me?"

John, John, John. You should know that the lord frowns down upon such evil thoughts. If HE wanted anyone in the Bush Administration to get laid, don't you think he would go with Light & Ari Fleischer first?

"I may be light in the getting laid department, but I am far from airy. That's the president's job.
ANAHEIM - And it's October, which can only mean one thing: Break out the bandwagon so-called experts...

"In Iraq, we don't need no stinkin' baseball.
Rock n' roll, dude, rock n' roll."

IRAQ - Our music reporter was on hand for a special Going Away Benefit Concert for Saddam...

"Mustard gas / Purple Haze, all through our country's brain..."

NEW YORK - Sticking to the subject of music, can anyone say:


We here at Comedy Ave. do know that sometimes, in order to succeed in the music biz, one must be a WHORE first and a lip-syncher second.

ANAHEIM - And speaking of whores...FOX was so positive that no one outside of a ten-mile radius around Disneyland would watch the World Series that they stooped to an all-time cross promotional stunt, intercutting an opening montage of the California Angels with their upcoming Charlie's Angels II. Perhaps for their encore, FOX can intercut shots of innocent Iraqi children dying with highlights from the upcoming American Idol II? Oh right, they already do that, it's called the news.

NASHVILLE - Alt-country-rock wunderfuckup Ryan Adams recently stopped his concert when a fan screamed out a request for BRYAN Adams: "Summer of 69." House lights were raised until Adams could find the jokester, give him his $30 back and tell him to get the f*ck out. Look for the punk--who has f*cked every actress in the Screen Actor's Guild--to next f*ck himself after writing a new song about his future O.D. in the "Summer of 2003."

"Whatever. Not 'every summer can last forever.' Just ask that fairy BRYAN Adams."

NEW YORK - Fairy? ROD Stewart, a lifelong member of the BRYAN Adams fan club, has written his own brand new tune: The "If I cop a feel of a groupie, will you still think I'm gay" blues.

"Every time Rod touches me, my thong gets wet."
Rod: "Mine too."
MINNESOTA - We don't believe Missouri senatorial candidate Jim Talent is commenting on Mr. Bush's burgeoning intellect here...

CHURCHVILLE - Speaking of little pricks, preacher Jerry Falwell apologized for calling the prophet Mohammad a terrorist, saying he meant no disrespect to 'any sincere, law abiding Muslim,' and actually meant to say:

"Muhommad is by no means a terrorist. A scum-sucking Satanic Slut is more like it."

LONDON - And having sympathy for the devil, relic Mick Jagger went ahead and cast a spell on the Reverend...

Ensuring that Falwell will never rest until he has played all of the Rolling Stones catalogue backwards and exchanged blood transfusions with Keith Richards.

HALLOWEENLAND - And good news for other tranfusionites, Elvira turned 102 this past week and is employed once again. (Apparently there are folks out there that just can't get enough of her freaky stuff.)

As of November 1 she will go back to her regular past time: Lying on her couch with her pussy in hand, wondering what the hell she can do for an encore.

"I have always thought that when I retire, I'd like to feel my bouffant howling in the wind, with a cold metal bar up my ass, on the way to the highway to hell."

Vroom, vroom, it can be arranged. As long as you give RYAN Adams a ride on the back.

MICHIGAN - Yes, Halloween is in the air, and that's especially true at Bill Patton's house. The 45-year-old Patton was jailed for 90 days after being spotted by neighbors having sex with a pumpkin in his basement.

What's this country coming to if a man can't f*ck a pumpkin in his own basement? Did anyone bother to ask the pumpkin how he felt?

"Can anyone spare a smoke?

"Pumpkin head, quit while you're ahead. Or maybe you wanted to get reamed by a human and end up a talking skull?"

Brought to you by the Comedy Ave. Action Team to quit smoking. We're here to help. If we can't help you quit the habit, maybe we can help you laugh as you're choking on the way to your grave. Ok, ok, so our writer was pissed off because someone was blowing smoke in his face while he tried to eat lunch the other day. He's over it now, resume puffing. We could care less about you.

The Horny Men's Club

This week: "Ask Lust"...again
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