Millions of Americans were pleasantly relieved when Michael Jordan began his third N.B.A. comeback last week. His Airness gave everyone a few minutes off from the incessant CNN Anthrax hype.

Below is a schedule of Michael's opening day in New York City in preparation to take on the Knicks.

8:13 a.m. - The Ghost of Dennis Rodman appears. Wants back in.

8:15 a.m. - Michael jolted awake in Waldorf Astoria hotel room. Pus on lips.

8:16 a.m. - Rolls over on his back. Farts.

8:20 a.m. - Goes to bathroom. Relieves himself. A number 1.

8:27 a.m. - Makes his own cup of coffee. De-caf. Non-dairy Sweet and Low.

9:16 a.m. - Breakfast: Three eggs over easy, side of bacon well-done, tomatoes, wheat toast lightly buttered, large orange juice and 4 glasses of water, no ice, and no Wheaties!

9:45 a.m. - In limo, off to see the Wizards, he checks his stocks.

9:47 a.m. - Phones his factory in Thailand, orders 200 sweat-shop workers fired.

9:55 a.m. - Drives by Holiday Inn. Waves to teammates who are leaving for breakfast at McDonalds.

10:04 a.m. - Returns to Waldorf Astoria.

10:05 a.m. - Goes to bathroom. A number 2. A little oily. Decides he needs more bran in diet.

10:30 a.m. - Gets phone call from former Round Mound of Rebound (Charles Barkley) asking for a quote for TBS studio show that evening. Jordan calls him "ugly fat-ass muckraker" and hangs up. Chuckles twice.

10:33 a.m. - Discovers strange powdery substance on his dresser. Phones agent who phones N.B.A Commissioner David Stern who phones Mayor Rudy Giuliani who uses hotline to phone Emergency Services.

10:35 a.m. - Hotel room door broken down. Three fire battalions. Four police units. Canine unit. Swat team. Secret Service. ATF, C.I.A., F.B.I., and Michael's mother.

10:45 a.m. - Mom the Sleuth discovers strange powder is Sweet & Low. Thinks it will make a great commercial: "Our brand won't kill you, only sweeten your life." Spike Lee attached to direct.

10:46 a.m. - Michael unlocks the bathroom door and emerges. Talks to firemen's children for an hour on their cell phones. Assures kiddies that if they eat their Wheaties and buy expensive Air Jordans, they may some day be like "Mike." All except the white kids.

11:45 a.m. - Rookie Washington Wizard forward, Kwami Brown, fresh out of high school, stops by to pick up Michael's dirty underwear and jockstraps for laundering. Asks Michael what team he used to play for.

12:02 p.m. - Coach Doug Collins calls to tell Michael he is nervous about Knick game. Claims to have taken only three Xanax so far. Gets choked-up talking about the old times.

12:11 p.m. - Lunch: Grilled chicken sandwich, cole slaw, ice tea, raspberry sorbet. Two glasses of water. No Wheaties! but some bran cereal.

1:00 p.m. - Back in hotel room. Bathroom. Another number 2. Little less oily.

1:05 p.m. - Puts headphones on. Kenny G's Greatest Hits. Nap.

2:11 p.m. - The Ghost of Dennis Rodman reappears. Says he'll play without a cock-ring.

2:12 p.m. - Michael jolted awake. Bed sheet wet from unidentified gooey substance.

2:30 p.m. - Leaves in limo for Madison Square Garden. Three high-priced hoes hanging around propositioning him.

2:31 p.m. - Spots fourth high-priced hoe, Ahmad Rashad, running next to the limo trying to get an interview. Limo drives on. Rashad comments "Golly gee whiz."

2:57 p.m. - Arrives at Garden amidst trumpet fanfare, and a man named Herb who "needs tickets."

2:59 p.m. - Garden checkpoint. Bags searched for suspicious material.

3:00 p.m. - Security pulls out autographed Britney Spears poster from duffle bag. M.J. claims he doesn't know how it got there. Sites Taliban sabotage.

3:12 p.m. - Private locker room. Nike executive calls on cell phone to run the new slogan by him. "Nike: Just Do It…Like Mike Used To."

3:13 p.m. - Michael drops cell phone into toilet. Flush. Not quite from free-throw line this time.

4:40 p.m. - Knick fanatic and "filmmaker" Spike Lee takes his front row seat next to some little "white broad." Introduces himself. She says, "Who?" He buys her some Crackerjacks. She is too young to get the underlying diss. Gives Spike the prize.

5:13 p.m. - Tip-off. Flash bulbs. A few change channels to Yankees' game, and the Spice Channel.

5:14 p.m. - 7:26 p.m. Ragged basketball contest. Plot line thinned on Spice Channel. Virtually everyone watching Yankees' game.

7:27 p.m. - Serendipitous channel surf moment. Jordan attempts three-pointer that could tie the game. Hello Yellow Brick Road.

7:30 p.m. - Wizards lose. No heart, brain, or courage. Michael realizes: There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home.

7:45 p.m. - Considers Wheaties and some crack next time around, and then a trade to a contender.

7:52 p.m. - Doug Collins starts the season strong. Weeps inconsolably for an hour.