of Americans were pleasantly relieved when Michael Jordan
began his third N.B.A. comeback last week. His Airness
gave everyone a few minutes off from the incessant CNN
Below is a schedule of Michael's opening day in New
York City in preparation to take on the Knicks.
8:13 a.m. - The Ghost of Dennis Rodman appears.
Wants back in.
8:15 a.m. - Michael jolted awake in Waldorf Astoria
hotel room. Pus on lips.
8:16 a.m. - Rolls over on his back. Farts.
8:20 a.m. - Goes to bathroom. Relieves himself. A number
8:27 a.m. - Makes his own cup of coffee. De-caf. Non-dairy
Sweet and Low.
9:16 a.m. - Breakfast: Three eggs over easy, side of
bacon well-done, tomatoes, wheat toast lightly buttered,
large orange juice and 4 glasses of water, no ice, and
9:45 a.m. - In limo, off to see the Wizards, he checks
9:47 a.m. - Phones his factory in Thailand, orders 200
sweat-shop workers fired.
9:55 a.m. - Drives by Holiday Inn. Waves to teammates
who are leaving for breakfast at McDonalds.
10:04 a.m. - Returns to Waldorf Astoria.
10:05 a.m. - Goes to bathroom. A number 2. A little
oily. Decides he needs more bran in diet.
10:30 a.m. - Gets phone call from former Round Mound
of Rebound (Charles Barkley) asking for a quote for
TBS studio show that evening. Jordan calls him "ugly
fat-ass muckraker" and hangs up. Chuckles twice.
10:33 a.m. - Discovers strange powdery substance on
his dresser. Phones agent who phones N.B.A Commissioner
David Stern who phones Mayor Rudy Giuliani who uses
hotline to phone Emergency Services.
10:35 a.m. - Hotel room door broken down. Three fire
battalions. Four police units. Canine unit. Swat team.
Secret Service. ATF, C.I.A., F.B.I., and Michael's mother.
10:45 a.m. - Mom the Sleuth discovers strange powder
is Sweet & Low. Thinks it will make a great commercial:
"Our brand won't kill you, only sweeten your life."
Spike Lee attached to direct.
10:46 a.m. - Michael unlocks the bathroom door and emerges.
Talks to firemen's children for an hour on their cell
phones. Assures kiddies that if they eat their Wheaties
and buy expensive Air Jordans, they may some day be
like "Mike." All except the white kids.
11:45 a.m. - Rookie Washington Wizard forward, Kwami
Brown, fresh out of high school, stops by to pick up
Michael's dirty underwear and jockstraps for laundering.
Asks Michael what team he used to play for.
12:02 p.m. - Coach Doug Collins calls to tell Michael
he is nervous about Knick game. Claims to have taken
only three Xanax so far. Gets choked-up talking about
the old times.
12:11 p.m. - Lunch: Grilled chicken sandwich, cole slaw,
ice tea, raspberry sorbet. Two glasses of water. No
Wheaties! but some bran cereal.
1:00 p.m. - Back in hotel room. Bathroom. Another number
2. Little less oily.
1:05 p.m. - Puts headphones on. Kenny G's Greatest Hits.
2:11 p.m. - The Ghost of Dennis Rodman reappears. Says
he'll play without a cock-ring.
2:12 p.m. - Michael jolted awake. Bed sheet wet from
unidentified gooey substance.
2:30 p.m. - Leaves in limo for Madison Square Garden.
Three high-priced hoes hanging around propositioning
2:31 p.m. - Spots fourth high-priced hoe, Ahmad Rashad,
running next to the limo trying to get an interview.
Limo drives on. Rashad comments "Golly gee whiz."
2:57 p.m. - Arrives at Garden amidst trumpet fanfare,
and a man named Herb who "needs tickets."
2:59 p.m. - Garden checkpoint. Bags searched for suspicious
3:00 p.m. - Security pulls out autographed Britney Spears
poster from duffle bag. M.J. claims he doesn't know
how it got there. Sites Taliban sabotage.
3:12 p.m. - Private locker room. Nike executive calls
on cell phone to run the new slogan by him. "Nike: Just
Do It…Like Mike Used To."
3:13 p.m. - Michael drops cell phone into toilet. Flush.
Not quite from free-throw line this time.
4:40 p.m. - Knick fanatic and "filmmaker" Spike Lee
takes his front row seat next to some little "white
broad." Introduces himself. She says, "Who?" He buys
her some Crackerjacks. She is too young to get the underlying
diss. Gives Spike the prize.
5:13 p.m. - Tip-off. Flash bulbs. A few change channels
to Yankees' game, and the Spice Channel.
5:14 p.m. - 7:26 p.m. Ragged basketball contest. Plot
line thinned on Spice Channel. Virtually everyone watching
7:27 p.m. - Serendipitous channel surf moment. Jordan
attempts three-pointer that could tie the game. Hello
Yellow Brick Road.
7:30 p.m. - Wizards lose. No heart, brain, or courage.
Michael realizes: There's no place like home, there's
no place like home, there's no place like home.
7:45 p.m. - Considers Wheaties and some crack next time
around, and then a trade to a contender.
7:52 p.m. - Doug Collins starts the season strong. Weeps
inconsolably for an hour.