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WARNING!

This is a Stage 4 Yellow Alert
NEW ISSUE - EVERY MONDAY
The Day of Laughter is
::
Campaign Trail 2002

EVERYWHERE - America's number one Yell Leader took to the States this week in order to boost votes for his Republican cronies. Turns out the Prez proved quite a sport and was willing to do practically anything so his party didn't go down in flames...

"Let's show them how progressive us Republicans have become: If you kiss me right now, we'll have even them homosexual types voting for me."

GB: "And don't forget all those brown people I wooed because I love their food. Yo quiero Taco Bell."

Not to be out done, a former president also hit the road in an effort to boost not only the polls, but poles...

"I'll put my tongue in your ear and then grab your balls. It's for the party."

And after hearing Clinton drone on about blue dresses, cigars and other men's packages, Jeb Bush's rival, Bill McBride, realized that he just may have picked the wrong whorse to run with...

"I just want to say: Politicians that dress alike, think alike. Ladies and gentlemen I give you Bill McBride and his migraine headache--this big."

Hippity-hopping along his trail of slime, Bush did his best impression of the team's mascot:

"Someone said I got Dumbo ears. And to that I say: Fool me once, shame on me. Ya fool me twice, shame on me."

"Who's on first? One thing I know: My mom was a lot smarter than that doofus. Believe me, if she was shoving her trunk up America's ass, she would be at least be polite enough to offer them a smoke afterwards."

MINNESOTA - Former vice president Walter F. Mondale decided to step-in and run for the Senate, for his friend, the late Democratic Sen. Paul D. Wellstone. When he woke up and realized the ship of fools he was sailing on, he could only think one thing...

"I must have been high."

LAS VEGAS - Speaking of "high," Nevadans are going to the polls to see if they can become the first state in the nation to make under three ounces of marijuana legal and to require state legislators to devise a regulatory system for its production and sale. Stopping by Nevada on his grassroots, cheerleading tour...

"We regret to inform the lovely people of Nevada that Chong couldn't also be with us here today...Which means more for me. Can anyone direct me to the local Taco Bell. Yo quiero Taco Bell."

AFGHANISTAN - An Afghani farmer learns of Nevada's wish to "legalize it" and realizes what his fate would be if busted in Ghani Land...

"I'd be f*cked."

Which is pretty much what Liza and hubbie David Puppet were this week when VH1 decided to vote-down their show after taping only one episode and airing none. Liza was quoted as saying:
"They say my husband was a neat, control freak. Well, I can tell you from living with him: That's better than a messy control freak."


"Can we get a cymbal crash on that one?"
Entertainment Headlines


BEVERLY HILLS - Who is this man above? Only one of the biggest producers in Hollywood, Peter Guber. And, oh yeah, a member of the Winona jury. A conflict of interest you say? Naw. They only did a billion dollars worth of business together in films including: Little Women, Dracula and Age of Innocence. Innocence, hmm, a precursor of what's to come?

"Like I told my close friends in the jury. I did it all in the name of researching a part."

We've discovered exactly what part that is. Ms. Kleptoryder is getting set to star in yet another original Hollywood remake...



LOS ANGELES - In a surprising development, Robert Blake's lawyer, Harland Braun, proved he's not nuts by resigning Monday after objecting to his client's decision to grant a jailhouse interview to ABC's staunch defender of human gossip, Diane Sawyer. The move had head of La Familia, Fred, steamed and ordering revenge once more...

Tony Soprano take notes.


HOLLYWOOD - Eminem's film 8 Mile opens this week and you know what that means...
"Word: Don't quit your day job, honey."

Eminem took Mariah's advice in stride, being the lover of women that he is...

"Yo, I got your Glitter right here, biatch. Word."

PITCH LAND - And Catherine Zeta Jones says that after becoming Michael Douglas' whore, she will be anybody's--for the right price. Enter T-Mobile, and voila, we are privileged to see this non-academy award nominated actress perform 3000 times a day on a commercial near you. For her encore she is signed to pitch...

"Finally: The new female sexual enhancer, available at a drug store near you. Together with the T-Mobile and a much older husband like mine, it does wonders for a girl's cooch."

NEW YORK - Twenty-nine children died in an earthquake in Italy last week, but who really cares about all that nonsense when we can come together as a nation and celebrate the birth of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Brodericks' first baby!

"Thank you, God. Thank you."

God could not be reached for comment. We could however: America, get a life!



MOVIE RECOMMENDATION:

See Moses' own seas parted in the new film:


Other Crap

LOS ANGELES - What keeps the Stones rolling? Passion? Or Human Growth Hormone, blood transfusions and 14-year-old groupies with names like Cherry? Yes, it was Halloween with the Stones in L.A., but make no mistake--these weren't costumes...

"Shit, mate: We are the monster mashes...
A regular f*cking graveyard smash. "

NEW YORK - Halloween always brings out the babes in costume, but what's this chick's excuse?

"Well, I just never got to let down my hair and show the real me while Cathy Lee was on board. So much singing."

SAN FRANCISCO - And the next thing you know, the host of Live with Regis & Kelly had started a trend...

"Regis for President in 2004, sugar! With that paunch, he can put RuPaul right in it and hop around looking for votes."

WASHINGTON D.C. - Customers at a McDonald's got a shock Friday when two deer jumped through the restaurant window. The animals shattered the glass and ran through the fast-food restaurant terrorizing the customers and leaving without paying for Two Big Mac Meal Deals--which had Ronald incensed...

"You just signed your death warrant, doe!...and gave me an idea for the next Meal Deal."

IRAQ - Speaking of fried...Saddam Hussein's deputy warned Americans on Friday they would be "sent to hell" if they attack Iraq. And when you think about it...


"He's got the whole world in his hands..." Well, maybe not the whole world. A few camels possibly.

SAN DIEGO - A sailor jokes with his wife before his departure on the aircraft carrier USS Constellation which is headed for the Arabian Sea in support of Operation Enduring Freedom...

"It's gonna be so much fun, baby! Murdering innocent Iraqi civilians to find one man!"

TEXAS - The president knows that it is essential for all cheerleaders to be in disguise when rooting for him.

"I know you only got three fingers on each hand, but next time we play 'football' you're playing center and you won't need to use any of those fingers, honey."

One more finger to symbolize how we feel about our current "democratically" elected regime, brought to you by a proud voter of Palm Beach, Florida...
And to all the folks of Florida: Don't forget to vote...It may actually count this time.


The Horny Men's Club

This week: More "Ask Lust"...
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