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There's a lot of New York City Thanksgiving tradition. For example, a lot of New Yawkers don't buy the frozen turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train. -David Letterman

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Turkeys of the Year

The holiday season is upon us again, and that means two things: Family stress, and our annual list of turkeys who deserve basting after their dismal years. In alphabetical order to protect who we think are the biggest clucks:

: S.O.S. (Save our Silicone)

Yes, Baywatch finally drowned, but no need for salty tears because all that silicone will soon float to the surface on a syndicated station near you. I only worry about what will become of all the fine actors; will they ever have the opportunity to win a Golden Globe or Emmy again? Maybe the method-acting folk (read: bimbos) of V.I.P. will throw them a few lifesavers, so the former Baywatch Brawn and Breasts never have to suffer Mr. David Hasselhoff's fate of performing in an on an off-off-off-off Broadway production of Phantom of the Opera.

Advice to the turkeys:
Seek C.P.R. immediately.

Robert Blake: Loses Condom, then Gun

Okay, we all know Mr. Blake has been washed up for years; his biggest credit to date being the title role in the 1975 television series, Baretta. This year, Bobbie is back in the limelight, starring as suspected killer, (you guessed it) Robert Blake in the continuing mini-series, Murder of a Deranged Starfucker--not exactly the kind of meaty role comebacks are made of. But when O.J. Simpson laments your troubles, you know that a return to fame and being represented by Johnnie Cochran could be just one forensic test away.

Advice to turkey: Turn in your Screen Actor's Guild card, do not pass go, and head directly to the nearest tropical island where you can live in infamy with a pet Cockatoo.

Couples: Love on the Rocks

Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher parted ways, ruining their house-warming gift from David Crosby--drugged-out sperm--so they could bring two more "functional" children into this world. And do you think it's fair that four-year-old daughter Bailey and one-year-old son Beckett will have to grow up in a one-lesbian-parent household? Hopefully Mr. Crosby will still ride in on his sleigh at Christmas and shovel artificial "snow" up their chimneys.

Jane Fonda left Ted Turner after the billionaire fell asleep on her, not only at every Atlanta Braves game during the tomahawk-chop, but also in bed every night before she had a chance to administer the Viagra. Perhaps Hanoi Jane finds the prospect of locating a tank to sit on in Afghanistan sexier than an old relic billionaire.

Tom Cruise filed for divorce from Nicole Kidman soon after the two were allegedly coached by a sex therapist in their scenes together for the Stanley Kubrick's work of masturbation, Eyes Wide Shut. Inquiring minds now claim that Tom has finally opened his eyes for gay porn star, Kyle Bradford. Say it ain't so, Mr. Clean & Dimpled!

Benjamin Bratt said later to Julia Roberts after he apparently realized that following in Ms. Neurotic's shadow was not going to make him a big bankable movie star. It's back to the boob tube for you Benji.

Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid split after it was rumored that the button-nosed, cutesy Meg had an affair with macho man, Russell Crowe on the set of Proof of Life, which proved to be a massive disaster, bringing down not only a studio's big bucks, but a couple of kids along with it. Shouldn't there be a support group for children of the Hollywood mega-messed ups?

Kim Basinger left Alec Baldwin, no longer able to tolerate Alec's frequent, and sometimes public tirades. The final straw occured when Alec berated her outside a Long Island restaurant, and continued verbally abusing her inside the establishment. (Imagine the behavior of the Baldwin brothers that don't have a career!) Kim has struggled with many forms of neurosis throughout her life, including a fear of going outside that resulted in her staying indoors for nearly 6 months. And you thought stars were all glamour and no feeling.

J. Lo left P. Diddy in the dumps when she realized that hanging out with a gun-toting gangster just wasn't moving the earth for her anymore. Now she walks on her own two high-heels, the ground trembling beneath that big booty. Californians were under the impression that was the San Andreas fault.

Advice to the turkeys: It's called "real life," put your selfish, approval-seeking, deluded show biz thoughts aside for a second and ask someone about it.

Shannen Doherty: Boiled in the Cauldron

Bad witch, Shannen Doherty was ousted from her role on the WB series Charmed because the Wicked Wench had problems with Superfox, Alyssa Milano. Given the choice of who to drop the house on, schlock-wizard Aaron Spelling decided on the dysfunctional Doherty, confirming for her that Spelling Productions is definitely no place like home. It is the second time around that Mr. Spelling has taken the same action, the two having parted ways previously on Beverly Hills 9021-whateva after cast, crew and munchkins had to endure the slings and arrows of four years of outrageous temper tantrums.

Advice to the turkey: Seek strong Dominant Master who can whip your Prima Donna ass into submission.

Robert Downey Jr.: A Career Whiffs By

Hopefully we have heard all that we are going to hear from this druggie…for at least another month, or until he gets his release from current rehab center. After a Golden Globe for his performance on Ally McBeal, Mr. Drugstore Cowboy was busted trying to escape the cops in an alleyway in Culver City. Tests revealed that he had cocaine in his system. (No way!) The next director who hires him can only be in it for one thing: A good connection.

Advice to the turkey: The next straw you raise should be for a Slurpee!
Al Gore: Timber!

"Hi, I'm Al Gore and I used to be your next president of the United States," is how the turkey began a recent speaking engagement in Los Angeles. He should have added: "Because I am as stiff as a tree--couldn't even win my own state--I was chopped down by the Supreme Court, and now have plans to live my life in a redwood forest, where I can be amongst my true constituents who appreciate me for who I am: A gay man whose ass squeaks like the Tin Man when he walks."

Advice to the turkey: If you run for anything in 2004, it should be to replace Bob Dole as E.D. (Erection Dysfunction) spokesman.
Reverend Jessie Jackson: Hanging out with the Wrong Crowd

Perhaps the Righteous Reverend was spending too much time counseling Bill Clinton on his affair with Monica Lewinsky, because now the I-Can't-Control-My-Own-Pecker disease has spread, as it was revealed that the Righteous Reverend fathered a child with a 19 year old member of his congregation, and has been paying her large sums of money under the table ever since. Thank god he is at least pillaging from his own congregation and not someone else's, setting a fine example for deadbeat dads everywhere.

Advice to the turkey: Your chance at ever being taken seriously again are nil. You are the weakest link, time to turn in the collar, g'bye.

Paula Poundstone: Grabbing More Than The Comedy Spotlight

Standup comedienne Paula Poundstone was charged with three counts of committing a lewd act with a girl under the age of 14, as well as endangering her four foster children. She was promptly whisked away to the chic Malibu rehab clinic, Promises, so she could be treated for an "alcohol" problem. Word out of Hollywood is that Showtime will broadcast the lousy comedy act she sprang on the kids (to get them "in the mood") right after Queer as Folk next month, it will be titled Untalented Pedophiles Like Me.

Advice to the turkey: Time to trade in outdated political material and prepare for jail time where you will be forced to squeal like the pig that you are.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Sourpuss Plucked

Oops, I guess number one radio talk show does not translate to number one television talk show. Dr. Belittle's television show was cancelled after just seven months. TV audiences were apparently unable to look at her, consensus being that she is the "biological error," deviant in design, and enough to cause severe cases of dysentery. Pass the Pepto Bismo, please.

Advice to the turkey: Get laid! Get off! And get over it! Biatch!
XFL: We Hardly Knew Ye

All the hoopla surrounding the much over-hyped XFL could not disguise one thing: These "players" sucked and could not play football if their illegitimate children's life depended on it. A couple signs of failure: Choosing Jessie "an actual governor!" Ventura to take time off from his hard-working political career (bringing every one Krispy Kremes in the morning) to lend his adroit announcing skills--making Dennis Miller look like a God. Also, audience participation events, such as the Paraplegic Tossing in the stands, did not go over so well. I only weep for those poor strippers, er, ah, cheerleaders who have nowhere to turn but a Spearmint Rhino near you.

Advice to the turkey: Vince McMahon, you can take the sport away from the morons, but you can't take the morons away from the sport. Translated: Nothing you ever do will appeal to anyone but an idiot, so stop peddling your hype on those of us that actually use our brain for something more than trying to figure out whether they want fries or fries with that Big Mac.
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