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The Day of Laughter is
::
Politics - 2002

WASHINGTON D.C. - The potent O-Strain virus returned to circulation this week and because of it U.S. authorities warned of a possible "spectacular" terrorist attack. And, might we add, what a fine choice of wording.

Instead of making it sound like we actually might be in danger, Bush & Co. go all Disneyland on us like the terrorists are about to put on a SPECTACULAR Millennium Fireworks show instead of a death-defying suicide mission. So who's responsible for the spin here: Ari Fleischer or Marv Albert? "Yes!!!"

"Marv is the one who wears women's underwear, correct? Let me just say: I would have preferred the words 'disastrous' 'evil' or cataclysmic'."
Let us just say: We prefer the words: You spineless-scum-sucking sand flea. Bite us!

WASHINGTON D.C. - In response to the recent O-tapes, Majority Leader Tom Daschle said: ''We can't find bin Laden. We haven't made real progress. They continue to be as great a threat today as they were one and a half years ago. So by what measure can we claim to be successful so far?'' Perhaps by the measure that we have brilliant people like Defense Secretary Donald "Gin!" Rumsfeld leading the charge and giving us real answers, like this one in response to a question on the status of bin Laden: ''The answer is yes, he is alive or dead.''

"Touché! My pen is definitely mightier than my sword...Hey, I'll be playing here for the next two years. Make sure to drop by for a laugh. Two-I.Q. minimum, of course. Hehehe."

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates - This telegram just in: "Stop your support for Israel against the Palestinians, for Russians against the Chechens...for corrupt leaders in our countries...and leave us alone or expect us in Washington and New York.'' (Hey mom! The terrorists are coming!)

The above statement is attributed to al-Qaida, threatening more attacks unless America stops our hegemony and get this: CONVERTS TO ISLAM. Which is about as likely as this woman using her weapons for any mass destruction beyond playing bumper cars with a fleet of 72' Ford Pintos...Kaboom!

"I already had my first wish granted...actually my first two...but if I had one wish left, it would be for world peace."
Question being: Is the Tit Fairy still granting???

WASHINGTON - Perhaps al-Qaida saw an opening to covert Americans to Islam after President Bush took on the Christian coalition and religious leaders, including evangelist Pat Robertson, for comments they made in which they compared Muslims to Nazis. Which is kind of like comparing Showtime's "Queer as Folk" to Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network.

"That is false. We only broadcast the finest family television. Stuff that Jeffrey Jones and Pee Wee Herman would be proud of. Maybe you missed our special in which Cardinal Bernard Law performed a moving rendition of the Beatles' 'This Boy'."

Bush said that "comments uttered about Islam do not reflect the sentiments of our government or the sentiments of most Americans." He went on to say that
Americans want the "Islamabads" to know that to show our respect, rednecks and Americans alike, willl now be referring to the bad-Muslims as "Cloth Heads" instead of the more popular politically incorrect term: assholes.

To back up Bush's claim, a recent CNN poll revealed that 68% of Americans are in favor of doing whatever it takes to show Muslims that we accept their chose of religion, and that includes rounding up Pat Robertson and company, putting them on the first train to an exclusive prayer vigil at an Afghani cave of their choice.

"Pat 15:26" The Skeptic's Prayer:
"God, I don't know whether you even exist out here in the midst of the dark corners of hell, but if you do, can you please provide us with ample toilet paper and make sure not to let Allah, aka the Great Nazi, bite us in the ass? We prefer that our clergymen do that.
Entertainment Headlines

MISSOURI - Controversy on America's favorite Bachelor is brewing, as an Antigua-based online gambling company has announced it is no longer accepting wagers on the outcome of the show after an unusually large number of bets from bachelor Buerge's hometown of Springfield, Missouri. Good news: They are still taking bets on just how many minutes it will take for Buerge to blossom into a full-fledged Hollywood whore.

"I prefer to call myself an opportunist. If Barbie can get her footprints at a Hollywood theater, why can't I get my 'package' imprinted on a West Hollywood movie screen?"

SANTA MARIA, Calif. - Reclusive pop star Michael Jackson, clutching a surgical mask over his face, moon-walked into a California courthouse on Wednesday accompanied by a police escort, screaming fans and the mind of one of "Jerry's Kids" on one too many tabs of acid.

Jackson was grilled for three hours on who was responsible for canceling a series of shows that the King of Plastic Surgery is being sued for in a $21 million breach-of-contract lawsuit. Jackson maintained that it was not he who canceled the shows and that he even practiced for them by dancing in front of the mirror in his bathroom. All the while, the mirror kept asking: Who the f*ck are you?

"Hey! That's not me. I ain't the man in the mirror. I'm a whitey!"
RNN (Racist Network News) correspondent David Dukes could not be reached for racial identification purposes.

LOS ANGELES - Rick James is under investigation for a possible sexual assault on a 26-year-old woman at his Woodland Hills, California, home. When police searched his crib they say they found nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual E-Bay listing for Bob Marley's dreadlocks, his Oprah Book Club membership and a blowup Al Sharpton doll...

Proving that you can take the Super Freak out of the b'ness, but you can't take the b'ness out of the Super Freak.

"I ain't no R. Kelly if that's what you're thinking...Former president Bill Clinton, maybe."

Of course we're not exactly positive if Bill Clinton was ever convicted of tying a woman up and burning her with a hot crack pipe while on a cocaine binge. Oh yeah, and then there's the time Ricky invited a woman into his hotel room for a business meeting and then bound her and beat her for 12 hours, also high on cocaine at the time. Mr. James, we have seen Bill Clinton, and you my friend...

Hint to women who meet the Super Freak: This is not the "gentle" Mike Tyson you are dealing with, therefore maybe you want to follow this little piece of advice: DON'T EVER GO TO HIS F*CKING ROOM ALONE YOU MORONS!


We will now return you to our regular typeface...

LOS ANGELES - After all these years, it's finally clear why Ferris never wanted to go to school. Actor Jeffrey Jones, who portrayed the principal in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" has been arrested and is facing sexual misconduct charges. (Say it ain't so!)

"It's so. As Pee Wee Herman is my witness."

L.A. Police say Jones is accused of photographing a nude 15-year-old boy in suggestive poses, possibly influenced by this foursome spotted strolling Papal Boulevard on Halloween...

Other Crap

LONDON - The World's Biggest Liar will defend his title against a small but devious group of challengers in a pub in northern England Thursday and darn, due to poor ticket sales the first time around, our country's favored competitor won't be in attendance...

WASHINGTON - Fortunately, the companies behind Miss Cleo's psychic hot line agreed to forgive $500 million in customer bills to settle a federal lawsuit alleging they fleeced callers hoping to glimpse the future. Crazy 8 Ball says...

Unfortunately, the future of many of the fleeced is currently being played out on E-Bay where they are in a fierce bidding war over the infamous "Land of Lost Souls" Bridge. For you geography buffs, the bridge is located somewhere near the "Get a Clue" River and the "Why Don't You Tie a 75-pound Cinderblock to Your Ass" Falls.

"I pray for each and every one of their souls. And of course to my accountant who is handling all my offshore accounts and E-Bay postings."

NEW YORK - At the annual Victoria's Secret fashion show, activists upstaged supermodel Gisele Bundchen's runway strut by shouting anti-fur remarks and carrying signs that read "Gisele: Fur Scum." The group, who call themselves People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, met their own resistance when they were confronted by a large contingent who call themselves: Men for the Ethical Treatment of Beavers. They carried signs that read: "Men: Fer P*ssy."



SACRAMENTO - Saddam Hussein take note: In an attempt to stop Montana's 24-game winning streak, football players from Sacramento State greased their jerseys with the oven spray PAM in an effort to slip out from under the enemy's defenses. Too bad that their feeble attempt at cookery failed and they lost the game--not to mention their lifetime subscription to the Food Channel and autographed pictures of star chef Emeril Lagasse.

An Iraqi food correspondent revealed that in order to stop the enemy's winning streak, Hussein will most likely stick with his favorite spray: RAID!


"My ant hill will not be taken without plenty of squashed ants...Hey! What are those planes buzzing in my ear? Don't also make me pull out my can of whoop-ass."

"Geez...Such testosterone. And they call us a civilized species. Ants shmants, I got no pants!"

LOS ANGELES - And lastly, a recent poll taken in Los Angeles revealed that "World Peace" is the sixth most important thing to Angelenos. Finishing ahead of World Peace were:

1. Image (it's every thing)
2. Occupation (the wannabe one, not the day job)
3. Preoccupation (with their own reflections)
4. SUVs (Range Rovers, Hummers, Tanks-oh my)
5. Classic Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee video (the enhanced version)

Look for the trend to sweep across the states sometime after the next major seismic shift or when Steven Spielberg farts another Oscar--a seismic shift in its own right.


The Horny Men's Club

In the Club this week: "Bitchfest"

© 2002-2003 Comedy Avenue Productions. All rights reserved. Steal our stuff and make money off it, you die a fiery death--no 72 virgins either.