week George W. Bush was so ecstatic over the Taliban's
woes that he decided to go out and spend time cleaning
up the environment. While rejoicing in his deeply
symbolic act, the president said: "We are wasting
no resources while chopping the evil-doers down
and yanking them up by the roots. We will not stop
until every last evil-doer in the free world has
been eradicated." And to hammer his point home so
every third grader is able to discern where he is
coming from, Bush continued on to say, "Maybe you
don't understand, but these people are evil-doers.
They are evil, and bad, and evil some more."
To help boost the tree trimmers' morale, Hollywood
sent actor David Keith (Behind the Enemy Lines)
to an aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea with this
message for the troops: "You are our fists to smash
their mouths, and our teeth that rip off their throats.
People in America want you to bring hell, fire and
damnation to those sorry SOBS who did that to us.
When you come home and march, you should swagger."
In a related story, the pacifist Keith is rumored
to be up for the role of the deeply spiritual, George
Harrison in the VH1 Bio-pic, Beware of Darkness.
Operation Rather Risky
Due to security concerns, CBS is keeping
the public in the dark regarding the whereabouts
of anchorman Dan Rather, the first major anchorman
to infiltrate Afghanistan. Inside sources say that
Rather will join Geraldo Rivera in a four-star cave
on the backlot of Warner Brother's studios.
Member More Than Tied
Family Ties star, Tina Yothers is on the
lam from the long arm of the law. A $20,000 warrant
was issued for her arrest when she failed to appear
in small claims court for a hearing over $7,000
in debts she allegedly owes her public relations
company for helping to publicize her band, Jaded's
new album "Confessions." When reached for comment,
Michael J. Fox confessed that "Tina was always jaded.
Especially after the one Christmas party where she
cried 'incest' after claiming that Michael Gross
and I 'allegedly' molested her. It just goes to
show you how deluded she really is, to think that
we were an actual family…"
Julia Roberts recently lamented about life on the
set of Ocean's Eleven, and working with co-stars
Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Matt Damon and Andy Garcia.
"I thought the guys would be more happy to see me
and reverential. But it was like being the youngest
girl in a family of boys. They picked on me." Roberts
was recently seen in a Brentwood Long's drug store
exacting revenge on her unsuspecting, male personal
shopper who was forced into asking for price checks
on every Tampon in the joint.
Have Role Model, Will Travel...or
The Council of Presidents, a coalition of leaders
from national African American college sororities
and fraternities, are threatening to boycott BET
because of the black-themed network's airings of
music videos that persistently feature scantily
clad "hoes," and rappers bragging about their jewelry,
sexual prowess, and illegitimate children. The group
would rather the network highlight more positive
influences, like Philadelphia 76ers guard, Allen
Iverson, who spends off-seasons rapping about "dirty
Jews, and faggots."
speaking of controversial rappers, officials of
Highland Park, Michigan are upset at Eminem and
his production crew because they are planning to
torch three abandoned homes in their neighborhood
during the shooting of a film the rapper is starring
in. The officials are worried that the homes are
going to be portrayed as "crack houses," and
that it would tarnish their reputation as the 75,078-ranked
most beautiful city in the nation.
After proclaiming "We just stink," Michael Jordan
headed to Chicago Sunday, not to re-sign with the
even more stinking Bulls, but to have both of his
knees examined for apparent tendinitis. After careful
examination his physician, astounded over Jordan's
decision to return to the Wizards, exclaimed, "I
don't think it's your knees that are the problem,
but your head. What in the hell were you thinking??"
Look for Jordan's announcement that he is re-retiring--so
he can record his first rap album--to come by Christmas.