Joke of the Week

When a reporter asked George Harrison what he called the Beatles original mop top hairstyle, he quipped, "Arthur."

All Things Must Pass...R.I.P. 11/29/01

Surf's Up! - Every Monday


This week George W. Bush was so ecstatic over the Taliban's woes that he decided to go out and spend time cleaning up the environment. While rejoicing in his deeply symbolic act, the president said: "We are wasting no resources while chopping the evil-doers down and yanking them up by the roots. We will not stop until every last evil-doer in the free world has been eradicated." And to hammer his point home so every third grader is able to discern where he is coming from, Bush continued on to say, "Maybe you don't understand, but these people are evil-doers. They are evil, and bad, and evil some more."

Tour of Duty

To help boost the tree trimmers' morale, Hollywood sent actor David Keith (Behind the Enemy Lines) to an aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea with this message for the troops: "You are our fists to smash their mouths, and our teeth that rip off their throats. People in America want you to bring hell, fire and damnation to those sorry SOBS who did that to us. When you come home and march, you should swagger." In a related story, the pacifist Keith is rumored to be up for the role of the deeply spiritual, George Harrison in the VH1 Bio-pic, Beware of Darkness.

Operation Rather Risky

Due to security concerns, CBS is keeping the public in the dark regarding the whereabouts of anchorman Dan Rather, the first major anchorman to infiltrate Afghanistan. Inside sources say that Rather will join Geraldo Rivera in a four-star cave on the backlot of Warner Brother's studios.

Family Member More Than Tied

Former Family Ties star, Tina Yothers is on the lam from the long arm of the law. A $20,000 warrant was issued for her arrest when she failed to appear in small claims court for a hearing over $7,000 in debts she allegedly owes her public relations company for helping to publicize her band, Jaded's new album "Confessions." When reached for comment, Michael J. Fox confessed that "Tina was always jaded. Especially after the one Christmas party where she cried 'incest' after claiming that Michael Gross and I 'allegedly' molested her. It just goes to show you how deluded she really is, to think that we were an actual family…"

Staying Free & Empowered

Julia Roberts recently lamented about life on the set of Ocean's Eleven, and working with co-stars Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Matt Damon and Andy Garcia. "I thought the guys would be more happy to see me and reverential. But it was like being the youngest girl in a family of boys. They picked on me." Roberts was recently seen in a Brentwood Long's drug store exacting revenge on her unsuspecting, male personal shopper who was forced into asking for price checks on every Tampon in the joint.

Have Role Model, Will Travel...or Palm It

The Council of Presidents, a coalition of leaders from national African American college sororities and fraternities, are threatening to boycott BET because of the black-themed network's airings of music videos that persistently feature scantily clad "hoes," and rappers bragging about their jewelry, sexual prowess, and illegitimate children. The group would rather the network highlight more positive influences, like Philadelphia 76ers guard, Allen Iverson, who spends off-seasons rapping about "dirty Jews, and faggots."

Rank Exposure

And speaking of controversial rappers, officials of Highland Park, Michigan are upset at Eminem and his production crew because they are planning to torch three abandoned homes in their neighborhood during the shooting of a film the rapper is starring in. The officials are worried that the homes are going to be portrayed as "crack houses," and that it would tarnish their reputation as the 75,078-ranked most beautiful city in the nation.

Knees Buckling?

After proclaiming "We just stink," Michael Jordan headed to Chicago Sunday, not to re-sign with the even more stinking Bulls, but to have both of his knees examined for apparent tendinitis. After careful examination his physician, astounded over Jordan's decision to return to the Wizards, exclaimed, "I don't think it's your knees that are the problem, but your head. What in the hell were you thinking??" Look for Jordan's announcement that he is re-retiring--so he can record his first rap album--to come by Christmas.

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