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Avenue Headlines

NEW YORK - Time magazine has released its short list for 2002 Person of the Year, and the favorites seem to fall into three categories: good (President Bush), bad (Eminem) and evil (Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein). It's not quite clear why the category of "freak" was missing.

"It's a conspiracy against my people, that's why."

"He's right. And with his nose and my tongue, we could make one hell of a team in 2004."

PUSHKIN, Russia - When Pushkin came to shove….Russian President Vladimir Putin warned President Bush that the United States should not wage war against Iraq on its own and suggested more needs to be done in the fight against terrorism. Like actually arresting and convicting just one "scum-sucking" terrorist.

"Just remember, short stuff, we're already going with my 'evildoer', so don't get any ideas about taking over my ship of fools."

Turning the conversation back to America's Most Wanted, Putin asked: ''Where has Osama bin Laden taken refuge?'' To which we who have found Waldo, while buying a pack of smokes and a Red Bull, reply, "Um, duh."

"You know that smoking those things and drinking Red Bull is bad for your health?"

ATLANTA - What also can be construed as being hazardous for your health: Going on the Larry King Show in a pathetic attempt to win back the support you almost had.

"Going on your show worked for Anna Nicole, she got reelected, so why not me in 2004?"

In the interview with Mr. Ass-Kissing King, Gore said the United States was headed down the wrong track economically and diplomatically, and promised to run a different kind of campaign if he seeks the White House again. A campaign that would surely appeal to all people left of Florida--which pretty much leaves Cuba. After the interview, it was clear who Larry was backing in 2004...

"The man wears blue shades and goes by the name of 'Boner'. Need I say more?"

Of course, Larry failed Geography 101 and therefore had no idea "Bono" is from another country altogether. The country which goes by the name of Irerock. The country who tries to get your ire by throwing a rock at your tank.

WASHINGTON D.C.- Darth Vader waits in the shadows for a moment that is ripe to show Caesar his Simpsonian Cutlery.

"Et tu' Colin, my mind and face might be a bit blurry from time to time, but my soul aches every time I feel your love for me wane..."

"Evil is as evil does, Mr. President. You will not pin your White Man's Oil War on me."

"Gee, aren't you in a pissy mood."
Michael Jackson PNN

BERLIN - Michael Jackson caused a fuhrer this past week when he was captured on the Pervert News Network dangling an infant from a fourth story hotel room before Angelina Jolie could come to its rescue.

"Angelina can't offer him what I can in Never Never Land...Which is basically some Elephant Man bones to play with while I get my beauty rest in my oxygen tank."

Right after Liza Minelli came to his defense, some German publicist's children were shipped in to be used in the big spin. You know the one. The one that goes something like this: Michael is loved by children the world over, he would never do anything to harm one. I don't know about you, but if my mom gave me the choice of being baby-sat by Jackson or Hitler, it would be a very hard decision to make.

"Peace...I'll have them back before my nose turns into a pumpkin."

Of course, no one seemed to make a fuss when he dangled his pet animal Jermaine over the railing...But they did look out below for boogers...

"It's really cool, after the last operation, when I pick my nose, part of my brain comes out."

When the Spin continued, the Spinsters were hoping to sell the fact that Mikey doesn't like kids, but white women.

"Ssssh, that's so funny. They don't know if I am able to leap tall buildings in a single bound or if cryptonite has gotten the best of my willy."

Fact: In order to avoid germs, Michael will only sign autographs with a surgical mask over his face. Even he himself was impressed when his fans began to catch on...

"I love the glove, by the way."

When at last the spin was through, the Mandonna was able to retreat to the privacy of his hotel room where he did his favorite impression of an oppressed Muslim woman while belting out a favorite tune...

"Don't Cry For Me Berlin..."

"Michael 15:26" The Pervert's Prayer:
"God, I know I am not right in the head, but please forgive me for all my "indiscretions." My curse is that in order to be as talented as I am, I must draw my creativity from my bizarre life. If I didn't, I would have ended up being Tito. And how many solo records did he sell?"
Other News

HOLLYWHACKED - The Bachelor ended Wednesday night with Aaron Buerge dropping to one knee and proposing to Helene Eksterowicz. Naturally, she said yes, luckily just before Buerge got a sniff of the nearby fire hydrant. After collecting his per diem and marking his territory, Buerge said they're not going to rush into anything and that "Now that the show is over, we can really get to know each other and see how we interact, not only outside of the show but without the media. I anticipate us both being relieved." And possibly enlightened to learn...

"Ultimately, in the long run, we're totally f*cked."

HOLLYWOOD - Ultimately, a couple who is far from f*cked, at least for the first month of their Hollywood engagement, is seen here driving off into the sunset, J. Lo looking back for any sign of her the ashes of her and P. Diddy.

"You're with the sexiest man alive now. If you want P, open your mouth, I'll get kinky."
Click for: People's Man of the Year Cover

LOS ANGELES- Last week a neurophysiologist raised the issue of whether we really know the potential long-term effects of the wrinkle-smoothing drug Botox: "In this atmosphere of 'Botox parties,' it's easy to forget that botulinum toxin is a potent [nerve toxin] and that its very long-term side effects are still unknown." When reached for comment, side effects spokeswoman Dyan Cannon was unable to open her lips to utter a full sentence.

"Er, ah, gee, gosh, eh, um, goooo Lakers!"

Excuse me ...I just woke up from a nap...Has anyone seen Billy Bob?"

NEW YORK - Are Big Macs hazardous to children's health? (Can't be, right?) Lawyers have filed a class-action lawsuit against McDonald's on behalf of New York children who have suffered health problems, including diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity and zits the size of Mt. Olympus.

In federal court in Manhattan, a lawyer alleged that the fast-food chain has created a national epidemic of obese children, prompting the people of Bangkok to take action sooner rather than later...

"And, one-two, hell no, we won't go. Americans all fat, while all we eat is cat..."

When Ronald finally got around to taking the stand, he had only a one thing for his detractors...

"This finger's going right up into your colon."

The Horny Men's Club

In the Club this week: "Giving Thanks"

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