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WASHINGTON - Because of a slumping economy, President Bush made a move to avoid his father's fate of a one-term presidency this week when he told Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill and economic adviser Larry Lindsey that they have been appointed "fall guys" and both should immediately "take a flying leap off the wings of a paranoid political party." Unable to take a flying leap is a paltry sum that has absolutely no chance at affecting our economy--the $99 billion to a possible $1.9 trillion it may cost us to go to war with Iraq, which of course is just a tad under the $2.1 trillion Michael Jackson spent on plastic surgery last month.

"Like Mr. President, I understand that when 'things' are slumping, it's best to cut something off so you don't have to worry about it ever coming back to trouble you...like my willy."

SANTA MARIA, Calif. - Itsy Bitsy Michael
Speaking of doctors, last week a judge ordered the King of Pop to undergo a medical examination and bring the court back a note from his doctor after the pop star failed to show up for a court date because of <drumroll> a vicious spider bite.

To: Judge Tito Von Straus

"Dear Mr. Straus:

Please excuse my patient, Mr. Michael Donatella Jackson, for missing court on Wednesday. Unfortunately, Mr. Jackson encountered an extremely large Daddy Long Legs in his oxygen tank and wound up with a ferocious bite the size of a grape on his left foot, causing the right side of his face to almost fall off and his left testicle to jump from the formaldehyde jar on his dresser. After extensive treatment, I was fortunately able to release Mr. Jackson to the personal care of his monkeys. In addition, please excuse Mr. Jackson from any physical activity for the next month--that includes any Moonwalking in and out of the courtroom."

Yours Truly,

Dr. Phil


BAGHDAD - Iraq Not Putting on a Smiling Face :(
Iraq replied sharply Wednesday over U.N. weapons inspectors' surprise intrusion into one of Saddam Hussein's presidential palaces, accusing the arms experts of being spies for Washington and Israel. And we can only say, "Um, yeah. Isn't that the point, ya Blockheads?"

Meanwhile, Iraq denies it possesses any kind of banned weapons. However, in the 1,098,029 page declaration they submitted to the U.N., they have admitted to possessing thousands of bootleg copies of Baywatch, millions of blow-up Teletubbie dolls and one autograph picture of Whoopie Goldberg.

"I'm flattered an Iraqi brother finds me sexy. Let the main man know I'm available for Bar Mitzvahs and toga parties."

The entire Iraqi cabinet also confessed that they can now easily identify all the horses with no names that they rode through the desert on, and in fact, have gone out of their way to connect with their horse "friends" while their wives were stowed away at the Allah Abdullah Air Jordan Factory.

"It just felt good to get out of the rain...and have all those handsome suitors ride us."

LONDON - W. Pun Doesn't Sit Well With Ass-Kissers
A British advertising watchdog said it was banning a commercial for an animated comedy series because it pokes fun at President Bush without his permission. The offending ad shows Bush opening a copy of the comedy series video and saying, "My favorite - just pop it in the video player.'' He then mistakes the toaster for the VCR and burns the tape.

In a related story, several Republican senators questioned the ability of the President to tell the difference, not only between a VCR and toaster, but an Al Qaeda virgin and actor Jamie Farr.

"My country tis a vi...For you, Mr. President, I only sing in my best stockings. Shall I continue?"

ATLANTA -Gore Asks Larry King to Pull His Finger


When asked by Larry King if he was going to run for president in 2004, Al Gore responded by sticking out his finger and saying: "That's like asking, 'if you pull my finger will it smell or not?'...I ate Taco Bell, Larry. Can you say 'kaboom?' My ass will still be running in 2004."

Entertainment Dysfunction

HOLLYWOOD - Muchos congratulations to George Lopez who was recently named the WORST Hispanic comedian ever to have his own television show…of course the competition was fierce between him and that one other Hispanic dude, What's His Name.

"You wouldn't be saying this chit if I was Black. You'd be calling me the 21st Century Bill Cosby."

Actually, the only thing we would be calling him is atrocious. Kudos to ABC for choosing the absolute worst possible Hispanic show to reinforce the stereotype that Hispanics should be regulated to jobs as either supporting actors or just plain old leaf blowers.

HOLLYWOOD-Whitney Confesses Sin & Seduction
In an interview with the Queen of Gab Diane Sawyer, Whitney Houston admitted that she's been ''addicted to a few things'' through the years. A partial list of a few of her favorite things includes: alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, pills, the BET Network and an extramarital affair with heart throb actor Vern Troyer (aka Mini Me).

"It's not always size that counts with me. I mean, Bobby is huge...but all that hugeness does nothing if he's impotent and strung out on crack. Vern really knows a thing or two about humping more than a lady's leg. And, yes, I am assuming I am that lucky lady."

BEVERLY HILLS - Winona Freed!
Actress Winona Ryder was spared jail time on Friday for shoplifting thousands of dollars in designer goods, but was ordered by a Beverly Hills judge to serve three years probation and undergo counseling to come to grips with a guilt she adamantly refuses to admit: She is one seriously f*cked up individual.

"I only appear f*cked up because I am doing research for every part I have ever played. If you knew me in real life you would think I was completely normal. Come to think of it, if I knew me in real life, I may think I'm completely normal too."

HOLLYWOOD - Cage Can't Adapt to Matrimony
Fresh on the heels of his new starring vehicle, Adaptation, Nicholas Cage has filed for divorce from Lisa Marie Presley after failing to "adapt" to a psychotic person more emotionally disabled than himself. Not all the news is negative out of the Cage/Presley Camp as the happy couple took home the coveted Liz Taylor Award, a prize given to the couple with the longest Hollywood wedding of the half-year. The Cage/Presley marriage lasted four whopping months, setting a fine example for the J. Lo's and Ben Affleck's everywhere.


"You see, like I am the devil? It was all my fault with Lisa? Na, na, na, na, I'm not the only loony in town."

LONDON - Oasis Brat Puts Mouth Into It
Liam Gallagher of Oasis was hit by a Wonderwall of his own last week after a brawl in a Munich hotel which left him with no front teeth and the ultimate definitive answer: WE HAVE SEEN THE BEATLES, AND YOU, MY FRIENDS AT OASIS, ARE NO BEATLES. Ever.

"I'm not all cuddly like Ringo, you motherf*ckers. If it's one song I can play this time of year, it's doing the Nutcracker Suite upside your head. Who's next, eh?"

NEW YORK - Rosie Kicks Pants Up a Notch Higher
Rosie O'Donnell became the proud father of a baby girl this week when his girlfriend Kelli Carpenter gave birth to a 6 pounds, 6 ounces, 19 inches long, future seriously screwed up human being.

"I'm dreaming of Genie, because to change my fate I'm going to need one."

"A plague on your house Comedy Ave!!!!!"

Other News

MIAMI - After more than 1,000 passengers recently became sick on cruise ships, the Nickelodeon Network decided to try to capitalize on the moment by offering travelers a safe, "exciting and new" alternative cruise...


GENEVA - Another F'd-Up Hussein
A human rights group formally demanded that the IOC expel Iraq's national Olympic committee because its chief--Saddam Hussein's eldest son Uday--tortured and jailed athletes who failed to please him. Pictured below is one of the surviving athletes.


B.F.E. - Angelina Jolie Emerges From Fog
Actress Angelina Jolie woke up from a 36-hour nap this week in an unidentified Third World Country and threw a major hissy fit when she noticed that she was having an extremely bad hair day and that there just may be more important things in life than going "Around the World With 80 Babies."

"Yeah, like shit, going around the world as a Bond Girl...My breasts can act as good as Halle Berry's. And what has she adopted lately, other than a case of the clap and that phony acceptance speech at last year's Oscars? I have me a Baby Madison, Billy Bob's eternal jar of semen and the worst f*cking agent anywhere. You're fired Shecky."

PORTLAND - The Great White Trash Hope?
In an effort to parlay her good lucks and charm into a long and lasting career, Tonya Harding announced her goal to be a future, undisputed bantamweight boxing champion. "My proven athletic ability and competitive nature will help this dream become a reality," the 31-year-old Trailer Trash poster child said.

"Trust me, whoever my first opponent is, they are going down...and I don't shave there."

Here's hoping her first opponent wields a weed whacker and goes by the name of Godzilla, not Paula Jones.

HOLLYWOOD-Animal, Vegetable or Richard Gere?
Richard Gere has been named winner of the Plain English Campaign's award for talking gibberish. Gere picked up the Foot In Mouth prize for the year's most baffling celebrity quote. Commenting to a newspaper about rumors of his sexual orientation and marriages he said, "I know who I am. No-one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and somebody said I was a snake, I'd think, 'no, actually I'm a giraffe'."

"Listen, whatever the hell he says, I can tell you one thing: He ain't no fuckin' giraffe. And thank the lord our kind can't fit up his ass."

NORTHERN CALIFORNIA - Big Feet, Big Legend
The family of the man who invented the Big Foot legend admitted their recently departed kin began the Sasquatch hype by using 16-inch feet-shaped carvings to plant Big Foot's footprints. In a related story, Kris Kringle phoned to let us know that he is still "alive" and plans to slip his feet down your chimney and the North Pole down your mother in about two weeks time.

"Cool. I hope she's on pill."

SAN FRANCISCO -Global Warming Melts President
Scientists said Saturday that not only are the northernmost reaches of the Earth warming, reducing the sea ice across the Arctic Ocean, melting the ice sheet in Greenland and spreading shrubs into the Alaskan tundra, but also at the rate global warming is going, President Bush's entire brain should be out of focus by the year 2004.

Spoken (Last) Word with Colin Powell: "Eyes piercing, laser-like, as I strive to penetrate one's ignorant brain and all the things insane. Mind, wondering, searches for signs of intelligent life, alas the brotha says: hand me my knife. Betrayal of Jesus, Judas is my life, may I take a bath in your blood after I rape & pillage your wife? Word.



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The Horny Men's Club

In the Club this week: "Ask Lust"
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