Santa was in the news this week in both Germany and Australia.
In Germany, Mr.Claus came under investigation for
slapping a boy and locking him in a broom cupboard. Cringle
allegedly lost his patience after being taunted by a group
of children who wanted to see what he was wearing under
his red Santa Claus outfit. And Down Under, a primary school
teacher was banned from teaching after she told a class
of six year olds that Santa Claus does not exist. The school
board says that they have evidence to support their claim
that Santa does in fact exist, otherwise why would the boys
in Germany be trying to see what Santa's penis looks like?
And speaking of penises, ouch! A 32-year-old Filipino
farmer believed his penis was driving him to sin,
so in a fit of religious fervor he sliced it off with
a machete. (No word on whether he received a "get
well" card from John Wayne Bobbit.) The man's mother
says that he was probably influenced by the book of Matthew
18:8. The verse, from the New Testament, reads ''If your
hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw
it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or
crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown
into eternal fire.'' So the next time you see a zealot
hold up a Matthew 18:8 sign at a football game...hide
the women and children and beware of flying penises.
ready for some football?" Former Dallas Cowboy
offensive lineman Nate Newton was arrested
on charges of carrying at least 175 pounds of marijuana
in his car, which wouldn't be so terrible if he hadn't
been busted for carrying 213 pounds on November 4th.
The man is cutting back on his habit, however. The
Cowboys only comment was to say how lucky they were
that Newton wasn't using his crackerjack I.Q. when
he was a blocking dummy on three Super Bowl teams.
In addition, Newton tried to use his one phone call
to ring God, but God wouldn't accept the collect charges,
so Newton was left with the next best thing, Deon
huckster, celebrity psychic Kenny Kingsley claims he
knows where George Harrison really died. Kingsley said that
after heavy consultation with the spirit world--free of charges
for him--he believes Harrison died in a home on Laurel Canyon
Boulevard in Studio City, Los Angeles. Kingsley also had three
visitors cut in while he was conjuring up his mojo: Former President
Harry Truman wanted to tell the world that he would have preferred
Donald Trump as our current president; the elusive Greta Garbo
floated by to say that Michelle Pfeiffer should portray her
in the yet-to-be-made movie about her life; and last but not
least, Satan cruised by to inform Kingsley, "Your ass is mine!"
just in: Talking about asses, Movie critic for Rolling
Stone Magazine, Peter Travers just named every film from 2001
to his Top-10 list. In a related story, Travers is currently
resting comfortably after having his 1 millionth collagen
lip implant; enabling his ass-kissing career to keep on sucking.
the sweet-lipped, Winona Ryder was busted by Beverly
Hills P.D., after security guards at Saks Fifth Avenue caught
her with several articles of clothing and jewelry, worth about
$5,000. She was booked on charges of grand theft and possessing
pharmaceutical drugs without a prescription. The actress was
released from custody when mega-producer Aaron Spelling posted
her bail, apparently in a gesture of faith that Ryder will star
in his new Fox drama, Beverly Hills 90210: The Really Fucking
Dysfunctional Graduate Years.
In other showbiz news, Life imitated art recently when
a Japanese woman died of either a drug overdose or exposure
while trying to find the fictitious treasure from the movie
Fargo. In the film, a character takes ransom money and
buries it in a snowdrift in the barren Minnesota landscape.
The character ends up dead, and his body is fed into a wood
chipper. Minnesota Governor Jessie Ventura stopped short of
letting the Tokyo woman's body endure the wood chipper, saying
that he didn't want to set a precedent for kooks to think that
they could just come to Minnesota and have all their fantasies
come true. Ahem, look in the mirror lately, Mr. Body Ventura?
me, my bod is hurting." Arnold Schwarzenegger
broke some ribs in a recent motorcycle wreck, but
like the leather-clad cyborg he plays in the Terminator
movies, "he'll be back" (to grope more unsuspecting
females), his publicist said. While examining the action
star, doctors were in disblief when they uncovered what
they thought to be a rare element for Schwarzenegger: