Joke of the Week

"All religions are the same: basically guilt, with different holidays. 'I feel so guilty. Well, let's eat.' "

Cathy Ladman

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Santa was in the news this week in both Germany and Australia. In Germany, Mr.Claus came under investigation for slapping a boy and locking him in a broom cupboard. Cringle allegedly lost his patience after being taunted by a group of children who wanted to see what he was wearing under his red Santa Claus outfit. And Down Under, a primary school teacher was banned from teaching after she told a class of six year olds that Santa Claus does not exist. The school board says that they have evidence to support their claim that Santa does in fact exist, otherwise why would the boys in Germany be trying to see what Santa's penis looks like?

And speaking of penises, ouch! A 32-year-old Filipino farmer believed his penis was driving him to sin, so in a fit of religious fervor he sliced it off with a machete. (No word on whether he received a "get well" card from John Wayne Bobbit.) The man's mother says that he was probably influenced by the book of Matthew 18:8. The verse, from the New Testament, reads ''If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire.'' So the next time you see a zealot hold up a Matthew 18:8 sign at a football game...hide the women and children and beware of flying penises.

"You ready for some football?" Former Dallas Cowboy offensive lineman Nate Newton was arrested on charges of carrying at least 175 pounds of marijuana in his car, which wouldn't be so terrible if he hadn't been busted for carrying 213 pounds on November 4th. The man is cutting back on his habit, however. The Cowboys only comment was to say how lucky they were that Newton wasn't using his crackerjack I.Q. when he was a blocking dummy on three Super Bowl teams. In addition, Newton tried to use his one phone call to ring God, but God wouldn't accept the collect charges, so Newton was left with the next best thing, Deon Sanders.
Another huckster, celebrity psychic Kenny Kingsley claims he knows where George Harrison really died. Kingsley said that after heavy consultation with the spirit world--free of charges for him--he believes Harrison died in a home on Laurel Canyon Boulevard in Studio City, Los Angeles. Kingsley also had three visitors cut in while he was conjuring up his mojo: Former President Harry Truman wanted to tell the world that he would have preferred Donald Trump as our current president; the elusive Greta Garbo floated by to say that Michelle Pfeiffer should portray her in the yet-to-be-made movie about her life; and last but not least, Satan cruised by to inform Kingsley, "Your ass is mine!"

This just in: Talking about asses, Movie critic for Rolling Stone Magazine, Peter Travers just named every film from 2001 to his Top-10 list. In a related story, Travers is currently resting comfortably after having his 1 millionth collagen lip implant; enabling his ass-kissing career to keep on sucking.

Ah, the sweet-lipped, Winona Ryder was busted by Beverly Hills P.D., after security guards at Saks Fifth Avenue caught her with several articles of clothing and jewelry, worth about $5,000. She was booked on charges of grand theft and possessing pharmaceutical drugs without a prescription. The actress was released from custody when mega-producer Aaron Spelling posted her bail, apparently in a gesture of faith that Ryder will star in his new Fox drama, Beverly Hills 90210: The Really Fucking Dysfunctional Graduate Years.

In other showbiz news, Life imitated art recently when a Japanese woman died of either a drug overdose or exposure while trying to find the fictitious treasure from the movie Fargo. In the film, a character takes ransom money and buries it in a snowdrift in the barren Minnesota landscape. The character ends up dead, and his body is fed into a wood chipper. Minnesota Governor Jessie Ventura stopped short of letting the Tokyo woman's body endure the wood chipper, saying that he didn't want to set a precedent for kooks to think that they could just come to Minnesota and have all their fantasies come true. Ahem, look in the mirror lately, Mr. Body Ventura?

"Help me, my bod is hurting." Arnold Schwarzenegger broke some ribs in a recent motorcycle wreck, but like the leather-clad cyborg he plays in the Terminator movies, "he'll be back" (to grope more unsuspecting females), his publicist said. While examining the action star, doctors were in disblief when they uncovered what they thought to be a rare element for Schwarzenegger: a brain.
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