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Political 411

WASHINGTON - Surprise! Surprise! Weapons inspectors are still scouring Iraq for any signs of a nuclear toothbrush and Americans all over the country have come together (with the exception of those in the middle of the country) to decide: "Who gives a flying f*ck?"

We ask the Bush Gang one simple thing: Will you be kind enough to give us one of your friggin' color-schemed alerts when it's time to duck?

AMERICA -Peeps Prefer Being Daffy to Ducking
In a recent Gallop Poll, Americans voted 88% TO 12%, that during the Season to be Jolly they would much rather be "daffy" & "shop til' they drop," and once again, be notified ONLY if there is a need to "duck" or they've just won a visit from Ed McMahon.

If you can't read the inscription, it says:
"Dear Saddam: Guess YOUR visit will have to wait...Say hi to the 102 virgins for me! Cordially, Ed McMahon

WASHINGTON - Season to be...the Nukes of Hazzard
Staying with the Christmas spirit...The Bush Administration mailed out their annual Christmas cards to the world and we were lucky enough to obtain a copy:

The threat was culled from an abridged version of a document the White House likes to call: ''National Strategy to Combat Weapons of Mass Destruction and Dominant the World Until Every Last Soul Hates Our Guts and Threatens to Boycott American Idol in Their Country."

WASHINGTON D.C. -Not Quite the Idol
"Hereeeeee's Trent!"

At a 100th Birthday celebration for Strom Thurmond, slated-to-be Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott said that Mississippians are proud to have voted for Sen. Thurmond for president in 1948 on the pro-segregationist Dixiecrat ticket.

''And if the rest of the country had followed our lead," Lott said, "we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years either.'' Yeah, like worrying if Farrakhan will be using his "words" OR his armor-piercing bullets when he crashes Trent's own hopeful celebration--behind the tool shed.

Lott later said that he was just ''winging it'' and that his smartly chosen words were not part of prepared remarks or meant to convey support for racial segregation--only support for the sentiment that racial segregation WOULD HAVE been great if Thurmond was elected president.

"I dunno, Trent, but some of these ceiling tiles are looking more capable than you right about now."
Entertainment 411

LOS ANGELES - A judge awarded Pam Anderson and ex-hubbie Tommy Lee $740,000 each in their long-running court fight against a net porn company who sold a notorious videotape of them having sex--as opposed to the not-so notorious tape of them exchanging pap smears.

In addition to the $740,000 each received, Tommy Lee's penis also sprung out $100,000 ahead--due to excessive mental anguish caused by so many lookie-loos discussing the one-eyed monster. After the tiresome ordeal was over, the Monster had one comment:

BOSTON -Moby Dicked
Speaking of famous musical dicks, Moby was attacked by three punks last week outside a Boston-area music venue (get this) following a holiday concert during which the self-described pacifist spoke out against aggression and violence! We can only suggest two words for Mr. Moby: TONY ROBBINS!

"'All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go'...Beam me up, Jesus...Oh yeah, do you also have Tony's home phone number?"

HOLLYWOOD - Word From the Wise?
Paula Poundstone's three adopted children have been staying with her for the last few days at her Santa Monica home and now, thanks to a court ruling, lucky news for all: They get to stay home for good! For commentary on the situation, we go live to our Comedy Ave. Family Planning Correspondent:

"One piece of advice for, Ms. Poundstone...stick with animals--no one will ever be able to pin something on you when they squeal."

BEVERLY HILLS - Down & Out in Malibu
Actor Nick Nolte was sentenced to three years probation after an infamous GHB cruise down the Malibu Highway last summer. In addition to probation, Nolte will do 200-community service hours--playing the part of Puck in a West Hollywood Community Theatre production of A Midsummer's Night Dream. Nolte was said to be perturbed that he must spend the entire length of the play dancing amongst fairies, without the aide of any performing enhancing drug.

"Super. Can anyone spare me a f*cking tranquilizer?"

ROME - Gis' Queen Gets Blown For a Change
In Italy, where scandal usually reigns, leave it to an American to get "blown-off" by a daytime talk show. G. Queen's appearance was canceled because several Italian politicians were pissy because the show is paid for by taxpayers' money (Public TV) and that scheduling this particular Gis' Mistress to appear, just before Christmas, was in bad taste:

"Who is...The intern that sucked off a former president for a cigar and bad press, Alex?"

"OK. Christmas time. Notorious American slut. Probably not the best PR for my people. Fagettaboutit."
Other 411

MIAMI - GOOD NEWS! Still plenty of cabins left aboard the "exciting and new," HEALTHY! alternative cruise of the century...

USA - More Than Nine Lives Claimed
Friday the 13th came and went without a hitch this year--oh yeah, except the record number of black cats missing in action and found splattered on the pavement nationwide. In honor of the cats who lost their lives, the President of Pussy declared Saturday the 14th as a National Day to commemorate the...

CHARLESTON, W.V.- Yo Quiero Taco Bell
And they say fast food is bad for us? But is it really? Say...when you're trapped in a car for a week in the freezing cold with no food or water in sight? When the only decision becomes: eating your own feces or scarfing on Taco Bell's Hot Sauce?

Robert Ward, 32, chose the hot sauce, all 45 packages, and as a result he lived to tell about his ordeal while suffering only a broken hip and a burning hole in his gut that felt like he was drilled by a Roger Clemen's fastball. Overall, it just proves that the nutritional value of Fast Food has been greatly underrated. Your choice: Die today from lack of Taco Bell Hot Sauce OR Die Another Day from lack of a lower intestine?

LONDON - The Straight Chit
Rare original manuscripts for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang fetched a sky high price at a recent London auction, selling for 29,290 pounds. Which is $46,250 in American dollars or...way too much f*cking money for anyone to be paying for a bunch of piss-faded papers about a flying car inhabited by any character who turns out to be a singing Dick Van Dyke.

"Look for our new musical to rape you on Broadway soon!"

HOLLYWOOD - An Alternative Christmas
Singer, Melissa Etheridge would like to give a shout-out and wish all the alternative couples, in or out, a very Merry Christmas.

"If I could, my kids would also like to give a shout-out to their sperm-I mean father, David Crosby."

HOLLYWOOD-Always a Giraffe on the Karmic Wheel?
Last week we reported here that actor Richard Gere will always tell you he's a giraffe, even if you happen to call him a snake. Well, in his next life, we wonder what he would be if we called him a gerbil? Screwed perhaps?

Spoken (Last) Word with Colin Powell:
"Growin' up in da hood,
homies said I had jive.
Now standing here staring at Whitey
I wonder how I'm alive.

As I keep this mofo from torching the earth, it's only a pound of flesh
he says I'm worth.

One thing that's got to be fo'shizzy,
Being called
Uncle Tom
makes my black ass dizzy...

In parting, we would just like to say:
Al Gore, thank you. We knew ye well.

© 2002-2003 Comedy Avenue Productions. All rights reserved. Steal our stuff and make money off it, you die a fiery death--no 72 virgins either.