Surprise! Weapons inspectors are still scouring Iraq for any
signs of a nuclear toothbrush and Americans all over the country
have come together (with the exception of those in the middle
of the country) to decide: "Who gives a flying f*ck?"
We ask the Bush Gang one simple thing: Will you be kind enough
to give us one of your friggin' color-schemed
alerts when it's time to duck?
a recent Gallop Poll, Americans voted 88% TO 12%, that during
the Season to be Jolly they would much rather be "daffy"
& "shop til' they drop," and once again, be notified
ONLY if there is a need to "duck" or they've just won
a visit from Ed McMahon.
AMERICA -Peeps Prefer Being Daffy to Ducking
you can't read the inscription, it says:
Saddam: Guess YOUR visit will have to wait...Say hi to the 102
virgins for me! Cordially, Ed McMahon
with the Christmas spirit...The Bush Administration mailed out
their annual Christmas cards to the world and we were lucky enough
to obtain a copy:
- Season to be...the Nukes of Hazzard
The threat was culled from an abridged version of a document the
White House likes to call: ''National Strategy to Combat Weapons
of Mass Destruction and Dominant the World Until Every Last Soul
Hates Our Guts and Threatens to Boycott American Idol in
D.C. -Not Quite the Idol
At a 100th Birthday celebration for Strom Thurmond, slated-to-be
Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott said that Mississippians are
proud to have voted for Sen. Thurmond for president in 1948 on
the pro-segregationist Dixiecrat ticket.
''And if the rest of the country had followed our lead,"
Lott said, "we wouldn't have had all these problems over
all these years either.'' Yeah, like worrying if Farrakhan will
be using his "words" OR his armor-piercing bullets when
he crashes Trent's own hopeful celebration--behind the tool shed.
Lott later said that he was just ''winging it'' and that his smartly
chosen words were not part of prepared remarks or meant to convey
support for racial segregation--only support for the sentiment
that racial segregation WOULD HAVE been great if Thurmond was
dunno, Trent, but some of these ceiling tiles are looking
more capable than you right about now."
LOS ANGELES - A judge awarded Pam Anderson and ex-hubbie Tommy Lee
$740,000 each in their long-running court fight against a net porn
company who sold a notorious videotape of them having sex--as opposed
to the not-so notorious tape of them exchanging pap smears.
In addition to the $740,000 each received, Tommy Lee's penis also
sprung out $100,000 ahead--due to excessive mental anguish caused
by so many lookie-loos discussing the one-eyed monster. After the
tiresome ordeal was over, the Monster had one comment:
of famous musical dicks, Moby was attacked by three punks last week
outside a Boston-area music venue (get this) following a holiday
concert during which the self-described pacifist spoke out against
aggression and violence! We can only suggest two words for Mr. Moby:
my bags are packed and I'm ready to go'...Beam me up, Jesus...Oh
yeah, do you also have Tony's home phone number?"
Poundstone's three adopted children have been staying with her for
the last few days at her Santa Monica home and now, thanks to a
court ruling, lucky news for all: They get to stay home for good!
For commentary on the situation, we go live to our Comedy Ave. Family
- Word From the Wise?
piece of advice for, Ms. Poundstone...stick with animals--no
one will ever be able to pin something on you when they
Nick Nolte was sentenced to three years probation after an infamous
GHB cruise down the Malibu Highway last summer. In addition to probation,
Nolte will do 200-community service hours--playing the part of Puck
in a West Hollywood Community Theatre production of A Midsummer's
Night Dream. Nolte was said to be perturbed that he must spend
the entire length of the play dancing amongst fairies, without the
aide of any performing enhancing drug.
HILLS - Down & Out in Malibu
Can anyone spare me a f*cking tranquilizer?"
- Gis' Queen Gets Blown For a Change
Italy, where scandal usually reigns, leave it to an American to
get "blown-off" by a daytime talk show. G. Queen's appearance
was canceled because several Italian politicians were pissy because
the show is paid for by taxpayers' money (Public TV) and that
scheduling this particular Gis' Mistress to appear, just before
Christmas, was in bad taste:
"Who is...The intern that sucked off a former president for
a cigar and bad press, Alex?"
Christmas time. Notorious American slut. Probably not
the best PR for my people. Fagettaboutit."
- GOOD NEWS! Still plenty of cabins left aboard the "exciting
and new," HEALTHY! alternative cruise of the century...
the 13th came and went without a hitch this year--oh yeah, except
the record number of black
cats missing in action and found splattered on the pavement nationwide.
In honor of the cats who lost their lives, the President of Pussy
declared Saturday the 14th as a National Day to commemorate the...
- More Than Nine Lives Claimed
they say fast food is bad for us? But is it really? Say...when you're
trapped in a car for a week in the freezing cold with no food or
water in sight? When the only decision becomes: eating your own
feces or scarfing on Taco Bell's Hot Sauce?
W.V.- Yo Quiero Taco Bell
Robert Ward, 32, chose the hot sauce, all 45 packages, and as a
result he lived to tell about his ordeal while suffering only a
broken hip and a burning hole in his gut that felt like he was drilled
by a Roger Clemen's fastball. Overall, it just proves that the nutritional
value of Fast Food has been greatly underrated. Your choice: Die
today from lack of Taco Bell Hot Sauce OR Die Another Day from lack
of a lower intestine?
original manuscripts for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang fetched
a sky high price at a recent London auction, selling for 29,290
pounds. Which is $46,250 in American dollars or...way too much
f*cking money for anyone to be paying for a bunch of piss-faded
papers about a flying car inhabited by any character who turns
out to be a singing Dick Van Dyke.
- The Straight Chit
for our new musical to rape you on Broadway soon!"
Melissa Etheridge would like to give a shout-out and wish all
the alternative couples, in or out, a very Merry Christmas.
- An Alternative Christmas
I could, my kids would also like to give a shout-out to
their sperm-I mean father, David Crosby."
week we reported here that actor Richard Gere will always tell
you he's a giraffe, even if you happen to call him a snake. Well,
in his next life, we wonder what he would be if we called him
a gerbil? Screwed perhaps?
a Giraffe on the Karmic Wheel?
(Last) Word with Colin Powell:
"Growin' up in da hood,
homies said I had jive.
Now standing here staring at Whitey
I wonder how I'm alive.
As I keep this mofo from torching the earth, it's only
a pound of flesh
he says I'm worth.
thing that's got to be fo'shizzy,
Being called Uncle
makes my black ass dizzy...
parting, we would just like to say:
Al Gore, thank you. We knew ye well.