Why We Hate Chick Flicks
to what some may believe, "romance" is not a marriage
proposal on the Eiffel Tower surrounded by an army
of Scientologists. This is what we call "fantasy."
is played out in many forms, with the story usually
ending happily ever after. But, in reality, successful
love stories take a great deal of work and effort
(and are not usually penned by Helen Fielding or Candace
not just "girl kisses toad, toad transforms to prince,
prince marries princess and they spawn their own reality
so it worked for Brigitte Nielson and Flavor Flav,
and their fine pimp, VH-1. But the rest of us are
not living in the land of fairy tales, or fifteen
and a half minutes of fame, and we never have been.
That's the illusion. The illusion that "one day my
prince will come and rescue me from all my duties
and complete me." Yawn. This is the delusion that
destroys relationships before they begin.
flicks, and the cheesy actors that make them go round,
perpetuate this syndrome and make it nearly impossible
for a regular Joe to live up to these expectations.
So why would we ever want to take you to one
of these movies? Just so we can sit there watching
the bar rise before our eyes, while slowly sinking
in our seat, dreaming of the popcorn scene from Diner?
(Um, no butter with that popcorn, please.)
killing us here. We cannot compete. And, with the
over abundance of chick-lit and chick-TV, to go along
with chick flicks, we're completely overwhelmed. That's
why many of us choose to throw in the towel before
the mating game even begins -- and sometimes we just
use it to wipe up with after we're done with our porn.
I saying that guys only want one thing? Well, um,
no, not entirely. But it's a lot easier for us to
fall back on our fantasies once you're so enmeshed
truth is: men do fantasize about sex. A lot. But once
we've had to sit through a two-hour romantic "comedy,"
and we've seen the obstacle course the suitor has
to complete, we're not exactly sure if it's all worth
it, i.e., Do we really need to do all that for you
to put out?
we'll get married after you put out, but for now…
second reason we don't like chick flicks is because
we don't want you to think we're pussies. Yeah, yeah,
we've seen your personal ads at match.com and gothicmatch.com,
and we know the first thing you're seeking, after
"a sense of humor/or neck you can bite," is "a man
in touch with his sensitivity."
boy, is this a trap. Sure, if you're cute and cuddly
like Bon Jovi, and you play power ballads, you're
good to go. But for Regular Joe, you see us weep and
you're out the door in the time it takes us to say:
happened in my own life. Boy cries, woman walks out
door and wastes no time in leaving me for a man she
later described as "a rock." The fact is, many of
us, by conditioning, are rocks. And ladies,
if you think you can teach a rock a new trick, by
dragging him to the latest Bridget Jones Diary,
you're wasting your time, and you should probably
just opt for in-vitro.
the time we're little boys, we are pretty much told
to "suck it up" and deal -- without the girly man
tears. Nope: a man doesn't cry. A man doesn't show
emotion. Unless, of course, he's a raging jerkaholic,
which is acceptable by male standards. But not crying.
stop trying to drag our lazy asses to the lasted weep-fest,
and get the image out of your head of us riding in
on our stallion, with our army of Scientologists following
in their Escalades, and rescuing you from the reverie
you are caught up in.
you can actually go beyond that dream, and stop trying
to "fall in love," is when a new door opens up --
it might even lead to the multiplex and a new kind
of film: "Damn, Girlfriend, I Gotta Say Goodbye to
My Inner Katie Holmes."
We Hate Chick Flicks" is from an ongoing series
titled: The Guy Report.