Jokes of the Week

I once made love with a female clown and she twisted my penis into a poodle.
- Dan Whitney

Safe sex confused Hispanics. To us, safe sex is locking the doors.
- Paul Rodiguez

Surf Over! - Every Monday
"Tell-a-friend-about-us" below
Run For Cover
the Mormons are Coming

"It's a blizzard out! Let's go get some free condoms and screw!"

Free condoms have been provided to athletes at every Olympics since 1992, but in Utah, the idea is drawing as much fire as another Austrian on steroids. (Gee, like any American male is ever going to win a medal in skiing.)

Enter a local anti-abortion group that is planning a five day protest during the games. The group of 55 are promoting sexual abstinence and say, "We want to expose the horrific realities of abortion, tie in our message of chasity and tell people that condoms are just not safe." Especially when baby-hungry Utes are poking holes in them.

The group (aka the McMillan family) would like to dedicate their performance at these games to their dearly departed father-- Hortense McMillian III who will forever be remembered in Utah for his good looks, Mormon spirit, and 57 children.

When the leader of the group, 33rd and last daughter, Brandi Hatch-McMillian was asked to compare Osama bin Laden with her father, she replied testily, "Our father was nothing like Osama bin Laden. At least he knew where approximately 33 of his kids were at all times." So do we: Getting ready to be knocked-up by their father.

Flying the Not-So Friendly Skies

After yet another wacko was thwarted on a United Airlines flight from Miami to Buenos Aires, the airlines has announced that they are changing their slogan from "Fly the Friendly Skies" to "We Have Axes, and We Will Bash Your Friggin' Head in if Necessary."

Coming Under Fire

A Roman Catholic priest who has been ministering to workers at the WTC had asked that the public boycott Arnold Schwarnznegger's new film because he says it exploits the 9-11 tragedy.

The American public responded by making the film Numero Uno over the weekend, proving that respect for anyone but crooked politicians, fire fighters or cops these days is about as likely as the Pope in Playgirl.

When he received his copy of the Daily Variety, and saw the box office for the weekend, the Rev. Brian Jordan of the Church of St. Francis of Assisi said that he wishes Schwarzenegger can be sent back to the shop for de-programming. It looks like the reverend will get his wish evidenced by Terminator III which debuts later this year.

V.P.B.D.S.M. Dick Cheney's Movie Review:

"Honestly? I don't find anything wrong with Arnold or this movie. In fact, I'd like nothing more than to jump on the back of his Harley and escape this whole Enron mess forever. Trek out to the desert and roast weanies over a nice hot fire."

Another movie hit the boards this week and is not doing as well as Collateral Damage, for obvious reasons: It's STAR. Big Fat Liar, starring Attorney General John Ashcroft, opened weakly after it was revealed that Ashcroft's follow up to Bush's $48 billion push for more defense spending was all a scare tactic and...a big fat lie.

A day after Bush's State of the Union pep rally, Ashcroft spread word that "Terrorists are planning to attack our nuclear plants," previous information that had already been discounted in November!

In a related story, the makers of Viagra are recalling all of the Attorney General's V-pills, because they claim it is not only turning his wife's you-know-what to moosh, but his brain. Can you say Alzheimer's?

Ashcroft did add one more scary tip to the pit when he warned State colleges that Britney Spears is contemplating applying to them.

State Colleges On
Your Marks...

"I think I can wear this outfit to college, yes. Especially if I get into Central Florida State or Monmouth in New Jersey."

In response to the prospect of going to college, the former Mickey Mouseketeer and graduate of Dr. Sheinbaum's office in Beverly Hills, said, ''I've really, really been thinking about doing that.'' Ms. Spears who has been brilliantly home-schooled since she was nine went on to say, ''I thought maybe when I finished this movie Crossroads, I could explore it.'' The possibility has frat boys nation-wide pulling out more than their books.

For a response re: Brit's whim, we went out on the town and conducted an interview with an unidentified 7-11 employee:

"Yes, she should go to college, because I think music she makes stinks! Give me a bagpipe and a camel and I will show you music."

You Can Be My Hero

Believe it or not, this very website got massive hits this past week when thousands of people found us by searching for "Clay Henry" on Google. (Yes, Big Brother is watching you kinky f*cks.) So for that, Clay Henry, we salute you. You're a hero in our eyes...and no longer a big fat eye-sore.

"Do I think Clay Henry is a hero? You're
damn right I do. He was once this wide...
and now he's fighting fires, saving lives.
What would you call him?"

"Um, an actor."

Have You Checked Out the
Horny Men's Club yet?
HMC on menu
We Don't Need No Stinking Birth Control

Almost one in four U.S. teens and young adults reported having unprotected sex while using alcohol or drugs, a recent national survey said.

"This is soooo boring.
God, what I wouldn't give to have
a fuzzy navel and get laid right now."

Twenty-three percent of sexually active people surveyed, aged 15 to 24, representing about 5.6 million nationwide, reported mixing unsafe sex with drinking or drugs. Nine percent of those said they mixed unsafe sex with drinking, drugs and driving. Three percent of those admitted their parent's car was uncleanable.

The new survey also found that teens 15 and older who drank alcohol were seven times more likely to have intercourse than those who did not drink, while those who took drugs were five times more likely. Both groups were 57 times more likely to have intercourse with their fathers...if they lived in Utah.

"I at least graduated from high school
before I got knocked up, young lady!"

"But it's daddy's!"

The survey also went on to say that Marijuana is just as harmful as harder drugs because it is 11 times more likely to influence use of those harder drugs if no dope was smoked at all.

We here at Comedy Ave did our own research:

Immediately upon publishing our findings, we got a phone call from Woody Harrelson, who was somewhere in Humbolt County.

"I do dope, and look at me? Nothing wrong here."

Unless of course you consider A) Woody's brain straight: Cheers and a gazillion dollars, and B) Woody's brain on drugs: Spending his life traveling around in a hemp-powered Volkswagen van publicizing da hemp and snacking on granola with Tree People, while crapping in compost-only-toilets.

White Men Still Can't Jump

"I am not offering a secret
potion for white men."

This Tuesday the new Air Jordan XVII debuts at an affordable $200. Packed in a metallic silver briefcase and accompanied by a $10-million national ad campaign, the shoe--which Jordan was wearing when he missed the break-away dunk in the all-star game--offers no answer for the "white man's disease," only enough money to keep Juanita and His Airness' five mistress' happy for life.
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