Bushism of the Week

"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle this job is underestimating."

- George W. Bush

Surf Over! - Every Monday
VATICAN CITY - In a desperate effort to help save face--and the Catholic Church-- a famous priest has come out of the wood work to admit he committed an act of molestation in 1984. Father Guido Sarducci said he confessed because he wanted to set an example for priests worldwide, and thinks that they need to come out and confess all their sins, before accusers begin coming out of the woodwork like "phalluses popping out of frocks."
"Lorne Michaels has nothing to do with this. I am not coming-out to speak about the lack of comedy on the show these days, but because I think I could have scarred someone for life."

When reached for comment, Actress Drew Barrymore said she didn't remember being "touched in those places" by Sarducci while at a SNL party. She went on to say that the only memories she has of her 9-year-old days was of some big movie she did, a lot of drug and alcohol use, and rampant sex with the original Greenwich Village cast of Nunsense. The nuns even dedicated a song to her, "No Need to Phone Home, Cause We'll Just Give You a Ride."

ISRAEL - Yasser Arafat claims that the bombing of his compound has not come without its benefits. Pictured below, Arafat demonstrates the new break dancing skills he required by dodging Israeli shelling, and his wife's big fat ass.

"I felt like Michael Jackson exploding across floor right after his daily isotonic enema. Next, I gotta find me some Elephant Man bones."

Better yet, maybe someone will find Yasser's bones?

If a Picture Could Speak a
1000 Words

"It's important to be smart when our country could be nucleated at any moment."

DELAWARE - President George W. Bush announced a new initiative to improve early childhood education for millions of America's children this week. Speaking in Delaware he said, "If one of those old presidents had done the same thing when I was a kid, I may just not be here today." To which we can only reply: "Huh? and darn."

Question: How is it that politics always attracts our most intelligent men?
"Hi. My name is Gerald Ford and I was your...Well, I'm not sure what number president I was. School is fun though, kids!"

LOS ANGELES - Opposing the president's new program were Los Angeles school bus drivers who went on strike this week, stranding thousands of children throughout the city--which is always good for the city's under-appreciated art of graffiti.

The drivers decided that children in Los Angeles should not be allowed to go to school until the drivers themselves received honorary diplomas...god forbid they should have to spend all their money on toilet paper.

They claim the majority of them would've graduated from high school if the Los Angeles Unified School District had just recognized their first language of love: Ebonics.

As it was, the mainly illiterate drivers were forced to use English as a first language, and say words like "ask" instead of "aks," and "excuse me" instead of "scuse me," and call their partners-in-crime "African Americans" instead of "n*ggers." (That wasn't just a white person saying that word; it was a white person quoting a black person. Kosher?)

CHICAGO - In an related educational story, Oprah Winfrey declined President Bush's offer to join an official U.S. delegation to tour Afghanistan's schools and celebrate young Afghani girls' return to school. She did say that she would play her part by choosing Barely Legal Afghani Girls: The Pictorial as her last book club pick. Look for Halle Berry to take on a starring role in the screen version. When reached for comment, Halle was limited to two words: "Thank you!"
"Hey kids, I'm still at CBS. Koppel's on that 'other' network, and Oprah...well, she still owns us all. Would you like fries with that Big Mac & Coke, Ma'am?"
CHICAGO - Playgirl magazine announced that it wants current or former male employees of ruined energy trader Enron Corp. to pose nude for an upcoming "Men of Enron" pictorial. The call for male "models" comes one week after Playboy asked female workers to pose in the buff for a spread dubbed the "Women of Enron." You know, anything to give Hef more energy and increase his blonde quota. (How about one brunette in the mag, Hef, just once?)

"It's totally about wanting to give the men of Enron an equal chance," Playgirl Editor-in-Chief Michele Zipp said in an interview. Now come on, Michele, you think we're going to buy that? And more importantly, are the men of S.F. and West Hollywood going to?

Just because we care, here's some advice for the cover, Michele: Kenneth Lay: pass. Dick Cheney: definite-maybe.

SYDNEY, Australia - Russell Crowe has been accused by an Australian rugby coach of trying to lure several players to South Sydney, a team the actor avidly supports. The coach of the Sharks team said the star, who has no formal links with South Sydney, is breaking the rugby league's anti-tampering laws by trying to lure Preston Campbell, the National Rugby League player of the year, from the Sharks to South Sydney.

In a related story, American Poet Laurette, Maya Angelou was returned home safely after the F.B.I. thwarted a Crowe kidnapping plot. Crowe apparently wanted Angelou around just in case he ever got the opportunity to recite poetry at any future awards' ceremony.

"Fee,fi, fo, fum / I smelled the poetry of an African American one. "

RONALD MC DONALD LAND - In still other related news: McDonald's is joining Burger King, Wendy's and other fast-food chains in importing beef from Australia because there's a shortage of U.S. beef that's lean enough or cheap enough. When reached for comment, the beefcake Crowe squawked that he doesn't come cheap, nor lean.

Meditation Break

"And in with the love for Russell & Ruffles,
out with the anger…"
LONDON - The elegant Chelsea Clinton has been taking England by storm as of late, schmoozing with the likes of Madonna and Gwyneth. But shouldn't the former first-daughter be dating something a little more regal than, say, this guy?
"Like father like daughter. I dig cigars, she digs cigars.
Dude, where's my car?"

"These people are about as deep as a birdbath"

LOS ANGELES - Veteran rocker David Crosby isn't impressed with what he calls the "shiny and new'' in the music world. Crosby said, "There's some good people out there, but there's a lot of fluff, too. Things like 'N Sync and Britney." Crosby also said there seems to be a prejudice against old-timers by the media and that they want to sell the newest product.

Truth is, Crosby was a majorly P.O,'d after the "specimen" he was donating to a high-profile, unnamed Hollywood lesbian (Ellen) was recently rejected in favor of <drumroll> Justin Timberlake's. The SPRY YOUNG Timberlake's count reached 30 million per milliliter, well above the 20 million average, while the DECREPID OLD Crosby's fell well below 12 million per milliliter. When informed of the discrepancy, Crosby said he'd like the Britney pictorial back, a few minutes alone, and then a full recount.
We Want to Know!
What's next for Britney and Justin, now that their breakup is all but official? Tell us, what pop's highest-profile singles should do with themselves:

A) Get over it
B) Tie a brick to their ankles & jump
C) More lip-synching
D) Therapy: Start their own book clubs
E) If you f*cking care, you need a life!
LAS VEGAS - John Wayne Bobbitt, the hit actor from the film Frankenpenis, who also made national headlines after his then-wife Lorena Bobbitt was charged with cutting off his penis in 1993, remarried on his 35th birthday. Luckily, Bobbitt finally got smart--he married a paraplegic armless woman.

Meditation Break # 2

"Love is all there is. And there can be no love within a couple, if one cuts the other's genitals off."

"And you think you have pet peeves?"

LAFAYETTE, Calif. - Barnabas R. Miller, a registered Republican, has been called for jury duty in Contra Costa County this month. There are only two problems - Barnabas is only 9 years old, and he's a poodle.

His owner, Donald Miller, wanted to point out holes in the voter registration system by sending in the form for Barnabas through the mail. "If I can register my dog, then anybody can register." Palm Beach County, c'mon down!

Barnabas isn't fazed by the summons. When reached for comment, he said, "Woof, woof, bark and woof," which translates into: "I will do what any other intelligent being would do in this case: Get out of jury duty and leave the courtroom pews to the brilliant O.J. jurists."

MUNICH, Germany - A Munich man who was suspected of murder, after he was seen carrying what a neighbor thought was a dead body into his flat, was cleared after he showed police his collection of rubber sex dolls.

Upon discovery, the officers immediately confiscated the dolls and have not been seen at work since. Sucks to be all tied-up and have nowhere to go. Can you say "Der wixers?"
PARIS - The French are lapping up a Sept. 11 conspiracy theory that argues the plane that smashed into the Pentagon never existed and that the world has been duped by a murky U.S. government plot. According to booksellers, Thierry Meyssan's book, The Frightening Fraud, is flying off shelves.

Not flying off the shelves is a recently written American book, The Frightening French, which details how the French are uppity-assh*les who walk around like they have Eiffel Towers up their holes.
"I got your stinking French Fries!"

PORT BYRON, N.Y. - 39-year-old Michael Kocur admitted in court he was drunk when he was stopped by police on an upstate New York road last July. Strangely enough, it was Kocur's fifth DWI conviction...on his lawnmower! Let this be a lesson to Mr. I-Want-To-Play-On-The-White House-Tractor.

I know how fast the tractor tops out at, but what about you, Cochise?"

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