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Joke of the Week:

On Piercings

"I come from San Francisco. It's nice. There are a lot of people into body piercing. They get to where they look like they've been mugged by a staple gun. Fifteen earrings here, a little towel rack there."
-Robin Williams




New Issue - Every Monday
May 13, 2002
WASHINGTON D.C. - At the annual White House correspondent dinner, President Bush tried to prove how hip he is by recognizing Ozzy Osbourne in the audience; which, despite Bush's fine education level, is not quite as difficult as finding Waldo.

When Ozzy responded by standing up on his chair and waving to the wildly cheering crowd like a trained seal, Bush said, "OK, Ozzy...Might have been a mistake," while throwing him a live bat so he'd calm down and do his next trick: sit the f*ck down!

Next, Dr. Ruth, who was also in attendance, stood on her chair and said, "Sex with Ozzy must be like vernacular with the president: Sometimes not everything fits properly into the right hole." To which Osbourne's wife could only nod her head in agreement.

"When I snap my fingers, you will all believe I speak perfectly good American. "

CUBA - Fidel Castro spoke perfect Bushenese himself after the U.S. accused Cuba of helping other countries with biological weapons, Castro calling it a "lying blatantly" on the part of the Bush administration.

Castro then went on to explain what motive he would have to help anyone (another country) out, should he decide to help anyone out, not that he was helping anyone out.


What's the World Coming To?

Quayleville - Former vice presidential candidate Dan Quayle jumped on the family-values bandwagon tour this past week when he praised The Osbournes for being a model American family.

"In a strange way, Ozzy is a great anti-drug promotion," Quayle said. "Look at him and how fried his brains are from taking drugs all those years. People will say, 'I don't want to be like that.'"

Quayle then retired to his attic and bit the head of a bat, drank it's blood, and proceeded with his 6587th attempt to spell the word "potatoe" correctly.


LOS ANGELES - Judge Lance Ito, who presided over the O.J. Simpson case, has applied to be moved from his high-profile judge duties to juvenile court. Which is kind of like Kato Kaelin packing up and moving from O.J.'s Brentwood estate to a Pacific Palisades YMCA.

Speaking of Kaelin, the former standup comedian recently filmed a television pilot called Houseguest. "It's a show where I go across America and knock on doors of unsuspecting folks and stay with them for the weekend...It's an absolute ball," Kaelin said.

We can only hope that somewhere along the line, Kaelin has a ball when he knocks on a certain someone's door-

Bush & Sharon Make Nice-Nice

"So, they still feeding you well over there, King Tut?"

WASHINGTON D.C.- Initially the news of Sharon's early departure from Washington was attributed to a flare up in the Middle East, but it can now be reported that the real reason Sharon cut his visit short was because he was upset over news of Bush and Arafat's new enterprise...

"One sniff of our new cologne and everyone will feel a lot gayer about everything."

Atlanta - While out publicizing his new joint venture, Bush had time to stop at a Boys Club and feel up a small black child.

"Mommy, look, the funny smelling white man is touching my boobies."

"I didn't touch the kid's boobies. I can tell you from feeling her up, that she didn't have any boobies."

"They say bad habits start at the top. Tsk, tsk."

 

SANTA MONICA - Nicole Kidman's stalker Matthew Hooker
not only wants all the gross proceeds from Moulin Rouge and The Others, but he also has filed a $200 million defamation suit against everyone from Bill Gates to the New York Times, claiming the entire world has put his 2004 run for the presidency in jeopardy.

In his own defense (on his website: matthooker.com), Hooker claims he is handsome, cultured, civilized, a composer, screenwriter, actor, producer, speaks five languages, loves animals of all kinds, cooks, hikes, bikes, boats, owns several international businesses, is destined for the presidency, great wealth, and most importantly, a great love with one special woman.

May 11, 2002

Nicole Kidman
The Home I Must Keep 200 Yards From
Santa Monica, CA. 90404

re: The future First Lady?

Dear Nicole,

Are you sure you won't reconsider?

All my love, talent, passion & psychosis,

President Matt H.

Definitely reconsidering are the parents of the second most popular boy's name in 2001 (Matthew). Parents are thinking of changing the name to another seven-letter word beginning with 'M': Mistake.

On the other hand-


"We are not a f*cking mistake, America!"

Time to Brush up the Karma


Spiritual Land - Aren't Buddhists supposed to attract good energy into their lives? Well then how do you explain the reincarnated Lama Steven Segal and fellow Buddhist Richard Gere attracting a major lawsuit and a stalker into their lives, respectively? At this rate you wonder when the Dalai Lama will receive a tax audit and a bad biological apple in the mail from Fidel Castro.

Closing wishes:
"Give my regards to Broadway."
© 2001-2002 Comedy Avenue Productions. All rights reserved. Steal our stuff and make money off it, you die a fiery death--no 42 virgins either.