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New Issue - Every Monday
May 27, 2002
RUSSIA - BEFORE - This week George W. and Vladimir Putin signed a historic Disarmament Treaty, and initially Putin was a little mixed up on what the "disarmament" was all about.

RUSSIA - DURING - To make this historic moment happen, President Bush had to think fast, which of course is no problem for a coked up caffeinated Texan.

RUSSIA - AFTER - When it was all over, and Laura Bush was safely hidden away, the two shook hands like "real" men and made future plans to incinerate Iraq.

"Puty" wasn't exactly happy with the ole' X switcharoo, but he made the most out of a sticky situation. George was in love.

GERMANY - President Bush said Thursday he opposes establishing a special commission to probe how the government dealt with terror warnings before Sept. 11. (Can you say: blown off.) Bush also expressed reservations about releasing a memo he received last August that carried a warning that Islamic extremists might try to hijack an airliner, believing that, like himself, the American people might night be able to decipher it properly.


To: President George W. Bush

From: Top Secret Organization

Dear Mr. President:

It has come to our attention that Islamic extremists will definitely attempt to hijack a plane (or several planes) in the coming months and use them to try to kill thousands of innocent American civilians. Your quick response on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Yours Truly,

Top Secret Official

Washington D.C. - In just the past week alone, Americans have been pelted with warnings about the possibility of suicide bombers, apartment buildings being blown up, terrorist scuba divers, subway and railroad attacks, suicide attacks using small planes, seaport sabotage, use of weapons of mass destruction and assaults on nuclear plants and landmarks like the Statue of Liberty and the Brooklyn Bridge. And now, to top off the list, and to make sure the Bush Administration hasn't left any stone unturned, the Bush-ites have issued a warning for the likelihood of increased shark attacks. Officials would not comment on whether or not any of the sharks are trained Al Qaida fighters or just extras left over from the movie Deep Blue Sea.

Secretary of Defense, Donny "don't ya call me Osmond" Rumsfeld declined to discuss the specific terrorist threats, saying the government sees hundreds a day and as many as 90 percent of them are designed to test the government's response. "They jerk us around, try to jerk us around, and test us,'' Rumsfeld said. Oh! so now we see where our own boys get it from.

"Today I am issuing a five-finger warning: Beware that we are twits, morons, liars, cheats, and damn good Christians. Amen."

WASHINGTON D.C. - The federal government said Tuesday that pilots will not be allowed to have guns in the cockpits of commercial airplanes. Which is pleasing to people who think terrorists get off too easy with the 42 virgins and all. I mean, hey, why make it a clean kill with a gun when you can make it messy with a pickax?

"Welcome aboard United, please store all your carryon items in the overhead bins and be prepared to have your head split open if you attempt to enter the cockpit. Thank you for flying the friendly skies."

ROME - This week the Pope said that there is no chance he is going to step down until his last dying breath. For that last dying breath he has one request, that it may fall onto the cheek of one nice boy.

"Now I know how Michael Hutchin's felt when he passed away...here's one vote for auto-erotic asphyxia."

BANGKOK- Hollywood actress Angelina Jolie, taking a break from shooting her latest film to visit a refugee camp on the Thai-Myanmar border, said on Sunday she would love to adopt one more child. Which is kind of like Darryl Strawberry saying he only wants to do one more line of coke: fat chance.

"My husband's nervous every time I go to another country," the actress who wears Billy Bob's blood around her neck said. Billy Bob responded by saying that for the next year, Jolie will be restricted to the country of Hollywood and the neighboring Betty Ford Center for Adoption Addicts.

Mr. Hillbilly Bob also said that he is trying to line up Ms. Mia Farrow as Jolie's sponsor-- which means that none of the children the couple adopts will be named Soon Yi. When the time comes, Billy Bob said he would rather keep it "Southern" and run off with one named Betty Sue.

Scared of Dye-ing

LOS ANGELES - Sacramento King Scott Pollard, infamous for his FREAKY 'doo, says he doesn't want to go out when he's in Los Angeles because there are so many places he can get killed. I guess in Sacramento, the only place Pollard risks getting killed is at the local Supercuts.

"Why would I ever pay more for a cut and dye job? These folks just do me good. Which is more than I can say about Shaq. You try to walk the next morning."

HOLLYWOOD - May Sweeps week is over and there is good news: Reunion shows did quite well, with Cosby, M-A-S-H, Manilow and Mary Tyler Moore scoring high. The bad news: 1) The Chandra Levy Story got the biggest play (booting George W's knowledge of the 911 possibility to the back page), and 2) Michael Jackson called the Washington D.C. Police department and asked for his bones back.

"I feel betrayed by George. I never imagined he would use them like this. Tito would never do that to me."

NUEVO YORK - After declining ratings, Rosie O'Donnell bid farewell to her day time television show last week so she could concentrate on preparing for her next big role: Proud papa.

"I hope Tom is going to be the Godfather. God knows he's never going to have a real one of his own."

Gee, we wonder why. Don't sue, we only inferred.


"I am a dedicated thespian seeking a new career possibility until Hollywood decides to remake either the Wizard of Oz or Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. I don't cook, clean, wash windows or floors, but I am available for Boy Toy or Cabana Boy positions."

Yeah baby, call me - Vern T.

"I guess we could use a f*cking Cabana boy."

Q & A with Joe Lust

The Horny Men's Club


© 2001-2002 Comedy Avenue Productions. All rights reserved. Steal our stuff and make money off it, you die a fiery death--no 42 virgins either.