- BEFORE - This week George W. and Vladimir Putin signed
a historic Disarmament Treaty, and initially Putin was a
little mixed up on what the "disarmament" was
- DURING - To make this historic moment happen, President
Bush had to think fast, which of course is no problem
for a coked up caffeinated Texan.
- AFTER - When it was all over, and Laura Bush was safely
hidden away, the two shook hands like "real" men
and made future plans to incinerate Iraq.
wasn't exactly happy with the ole' X switcharoo, but he
made the most out of a sticky situation. George was in love.
- President Bush said Thursday he opposes establishing a special
commission to probe how the government dealt with terror warnings
before Sept. 11. (Can you say: blown off.) Bush also expressed
reservations about releasing a memo he received last August that
carried a warning that Islamic extremists might try to hijack
an airliner, believing that, like himself, the American people
might night be able to decipher it properly.
To: President George W. Bush
Top Secret Organization
has come to our attention that Islamic extremists
will definitely attempt to hijack a plane (or several planes)
in the coming months and use them to try to kill thousands
of innocent American civilians. Your quick response on this
matter would be greatly appreciated.
D.C. - In just the past week alone, Americans have been pelted with
warnings about the possibility of suicide bombers, apartment buildings
being blown up, terrorist scuba divers, subway and railroad attacks,
suicide attacks using small planes, seaport sabotage, use of weapons
of mass destruction and assaults on nuclear plants and landmarks
like the Statue of Liberty and the Brooklyn Bridge. And now, to
top off the list, and to make sure the Bush Administration hasn't
left any stone unturned, the Bush-ites have issued a warning for
the likelihood of increased shark attacks. Officials would not comment
on whether or not any of the sharks are trained Al
Qaida fighters or just extras left over from the movie Deep
Secretary of Defense, Donny "don't ya call me Osmond"
Rumsfeld declined to discuss the specific terrorist threats, saying
the government sees hundreds a day and as many as 90 percent of
them are designed to test the government's response. "They
jerk us around, try to jerk us around, and test us,'' Rumsfeld said.
Oh! so now we see where our own boys get it from.
I am issuing a five-finger warning: Beware that we are twits,
morons, liars, cheats, and damn good Christians. Amen."
WASHINGTON D.C. - The federal government said Tuesday that pilots
will not be allowed to have guns in the cockpits of commercial airplanes.
Which is pleasing to people who think terrorists get off too easy
with the 42 virgins and all. I mean, hey, why make it a clean kill
with a gun when you can make it messy with a pickax?
aboard United, please store all your carryon items in the
overhead bins and be prepared to have your head split open
if you attempt to enter the cockpit. Thank you for flying
the friendly skies."
- This week the
Pope said that there is no chance he is going to step down
until his last dying breath. For that last dying breath he has
one request, that it may fall onto the cheek of one nice boy.
I know how Michael Hutchin's felt when he passed away...here's
one vote for auto-erotic asphyxia."
Hollywood actress Angelina
Jolie, taking a break from shooting her latest film to visit
a refugee camp on the Thai-Myanmar border, said on Sunday she would
love to adopt one more child. Which is kind of like Darryl
Strawberry saying he only wants to do one more line of coke:
"My husband's nervous every time I go to another country," the actress
who wears Billy Bob's blood around her neck said. Billy Bob responded
by saying that for the next year, Jolie will be restricted to the
country of Hollywood and the neighboring Betty Ford Center for Adoption
Mr. Hillbilly Bob also said that he is trying to line up Ms. Mia
Farrow as Jolie's sponsor-- which means that none of the children
the couple adopts will be named Soon Yi. When the time comes, Billy
Bob said he would rather keep it "Southern" and run off
with one named Betty Sue.
LOS ANGELES - Sacramento King Scott Pollard, infamous for his
FREAKY 'doo, says he doesn't want to go out when he's in Los
Angeles because there are so many places he can get killed.
I guess in Sacramento, the only place Pollard risks getting
killed is at the local Supercuts.
"Why would I ever pay more for a cut and dye job? These folks
just do me good. Which is more than I can say about Shaq. You try
to walk the next morning."
- May Sweeps week is over and there is good news: Reunion shows
did quite well, with Cosby, M-A-S-H, Manilow and
Mary Tyler Moore scoring high. The bad news: 1) The Chandra
Levy Story got the biggest play (booting George W's knowledge
of the 911 possibility to the back page), and 2) Michael
Jackson called the Washington D.C. Police department and asked
for his bones back.
feel betrayed by George. I never imagined he would use them like
this. Tito would never do that to me."
YORK - After declining ratings, Rosie O'Donnell bid farewell to
her day time television show last week so she could concentrate
on preparing for her next big role: Proud papa.
hope Tom is going to be the Godfather. God knows he's never going
to have a real one of his own."
Gee, we wonder why. Don't sue, we only inferred.
am a dedicated thespian seeking a new career possibility until Hollywood
decides to remake either the Wizard of Oz or Willy Wonka
& The Chocolate Factory. I don't cook, clean, wash windows
or floors, but I am available for Boy Toy or Cabana Boy positions."
Yeah baby, call me - Vern T.
guess we could use a f*cking Cabana boy."