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This Week

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NEW YORK - At the MTV Awards this week, the peace-loving Eminem's antics were overshadowed by the announcement of a new member of the perennial rap group Run DMC...

"Give it up for me, Dawgs! I can't heeear you."

NEW MEXICO - The next day, B-Dawg took time out from band rehearsal to play a little trick on an old colleague--while humming a favorite tune in his head...

"Killing him softly with my SBD's..."

OREGON - And yet the next day, B-Dawg was back out helping to fight America's War on Trees.

"I may be a Dawg, but you're about to be firewood, fellah."

And just when B-Dawg thought he was conquering the Treevil Axis of Terror...

"Run for your lives! Bears! DADDY!!!!!!!!!! "

"It was over that a-way, I swear!"

"Oh, bravo, boys, bravo."

OZ - Somewhere between Kansas and a dream...

"Shit, maybe I should've ran on the Munchkin Platform."
HOLLYWOOD - Leave it to a movie star to come up with the whole eloquent truth and nothing but the truth....

"Getting older, I think you just have to accept that we're all just big goobers. I think that's what brings peace in life; realizing sooner rather than later that we're all just big goobs!"

If only this man would admit Gooberdom, but NOOOOOOOOOO, we get...

BERLIN - Speaking of Goobers (and excellent role models for our kids), an American teacher has ridden a rollercoaster for ten hours a day for the past three months in his pursuit of a world record. Richard Rodriguez, a 42-year-old Chicago University lecturer, has to hold out for another week at a German leisure park to bag his 15th world record for rollercoaster endurance. His students, on the other hand, have to hold out another week before dealing their 42-year-old professor-going-on-Gary Coleman.

"Ha, ha. Very funny. I never wanted to be a Toys R' Us kid forever."

SANTIAGO - A Chilean art exhibition featuring dead dogs picked off the highway has stirred controversy in this conservative South American nation. The painter and sculptor behind the exhibit, Antonio Becerra, scoured the streets of the capital collecting about a dozen corpses of dogs that had been hit by cars...

"That's in another part of the country and we only take jets, honey. You're safe in Daddy's arms."

"Not if I'm your flight attendant, 'honey'."
LOWER SOUTHAMPTON, Pa. - Under the heading of "Beware of Wedgies," a man accused of trying to kill a friend who gave him a wedgie will stand trial on an attempted murder charge. Daniel Strouss, 19, was attending a Phish concert last year when Eric Kassoway snuck up behind him, yanked up his underwear and slipped a french fry in his crack.

Strouss held a grudge for months before shooting Kassoway on June 12. On the night of the shooting, Strouss drove to Kassoway's home and shot him in the arm and leg, ran up and pulled his choners up, repeating over and over: "How's that for a wedgie, Mr. Potato Head Bitch?"

"Yup, that one definitely smarts."

HOLLYWOOD - In a town where truth is bastardized as much as Baby Maddox, at least one star tells it like it is...

"Celebrities attract a certain kind of superficial woman. And I like superficial women."

Hugh: "Just not that one. The poodle might make for an excellent addition to a Chilean art exhibit, though."

WASHINGTON D.C. - And now a moment of silence, brought to you by Honest George, aka B-Dawg...

Moment's over. Now back to the MTV Awards to rap with Team Diddy.

P. Diddy: I got my boy Gary, ya'll think of him as scary...He's gonna bust out a rhyme, like a shiny white motherf*cking dime...

GD: Um, can't top that one, P. On with the show. MTV Rocks! Word up from the Shiny Whitey.

The Horny Men's Club

This week: "Back to School"
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