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This Week
the new fall show
Guest Starring Nick Nolte as
"The Druggie"

New Issue - Every Monday
Today is a day of reflection and:
MALIBU - Nick Nolte ran into a little problem this past week on the Malibu Highway and in his defense he was only able to mutter three words:

BEVERLY HILLS - And as Winona was getting set to go to trial over her shoplifting charge, a strange thing happened along the way: A sealed file, which is said to have evidence of Ryder's ''prior acts'' to establish a pattern of illicit behavior, went missing for several hours. When asked about the disappearance, Ryder had three words of her own -

"Damn, I'm good."

LOS ANGELES - Also in court this past week (for his pretrial hearing), Robert Blake revealed how he is spending his time behind bars: Doing a character-study of a man he can truly relate to.

Upon release, Blake's plan is to play the Angel of Death (AKA Dr. Kervokian), in real life again. A casting call has gone out for a celebrity-sucking-leech to play alongside him.

SEATTLE - At a recent fundraiser, Bill Gates gets his favorite song off his chest -

FLORIDA - A question for the never-free- and-able-to-do-crack-at-a-drug-treatment center, Ms. Noelle Bush: Did something happen traumatic happen to you in your childhood?

"My father made me get my hair cut like this since I was 13, what does that tell you?"

That he was doing all he could to avoid incest?
NEW YORK - P.Diddy weighs in on the dress code at the MTV VMA Award after-party: "It must be respected. If your shoes are scuffed you're going to have a problem. If you're wearing jeans, you're on the wrong track. Pull out the flyest shit in your closet or have your stylist pull something for you. Think the Oscars, think the person you want to marry is inside; think of me at the Kentucky Derby, my New Year's Eve Party in Miami or my Hamptons White Party."

"Also note my fly-ass dress code at my Black Jet Skiing Party in St. Tropez."

Not invited to the hoe-down but looking on curiously from the White Surfer Party on the beach...Jack Osbourne.

"That is one crazy motherf*cking, Brotha."

NEW YORK - Bill Clinton appeared on the Letterman Show on 9/11 to tell Dave how he's contributed to the city's healing.

"I've been going around dressed as an honorary member of the NYFD. You wouldn't believe the ass I'm getting."

BOSTON - And kudos to Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston for recently taking home the Beadiest-Eyed Priest Award.

DETROIT - Super fan Jackie Chan finally gets fed up enough with the Detroit Tigers to take matters into his own hands.

The Horny Men's Club

This week: "Ask Lust"
WASHINGTON D.C. - Finally, the pressure of being one of the country's top marionettes wears thin on Mr. Powell -

"All right, who has the best cure for a hangover? You in the back row."

"Um, how about: More drinking, smoking and screwing?"

HOLLYWOOD - Speaking of screwing: President Bush now has a new groupie/stalker/Roseanne to add to his stable...

"I have a huge crush on President Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he's a babe. He's got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he's hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn't married I'd be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around."

The President was firm in the course of action he would have to take to avoid such an occurrence...

"If she dare comes around in her cowboy boots I will direct the Secret Service to shoot first and rope and tie her later. And if they miss, she'll never find me cause I'll be in my extra super-duper commando disguise..."

"Will someone please fetch me my panties. Don't want the President's cooch to catch cold, do you?"

"SHAZAMM! You better cryogenically freeze those legs, girlfriend."

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