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This Week

Someone who didn't
vote Republican

New Issue - Every Monday
Today is:: Same crap still on CNN, CNBC, FOX, ETC?

The Al says: Stop in the name of love?

Loser Land - On the topic of war with Iraq: Al Gore asked George W. to stop and think his position on Iraq through logically.

To which George W. snarled:

"Duh. As you can see, Mr. Beard-Growing-Tree-Hugger, since my election, we don't do things logically any more in America."

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION - Plans to get Saddam grew a little more complicated this week when a report surfaced that Saddam has several look-a-likes who make public appearances for him.

"Ever try to find an asshole in a haystack?"

BRAZIL - If Clinton was still president and he saw these two feline protesters...

We wouldn't have war ("guerra"), only scented cigars and stained dynamite dresses to bitch over.

FLORIDA - Plugging away for reelection, the glowing Jeb Bush gets a little pissed off at the man who keeps asking him to pull his finger.

"Hey, pal, I am a Bush, we don't fart. WE queef."

NEW YORK - Taking everyone completely by SURPRISE, Rudy Giuliani announced that he is ready to enter the political ring once again. Giuliani said he would not rule out a run for U.S. Senator, Governor or President, and that he would do away with anyone who stands in his way, including Osama Bin Laden or...

"That next step is a doozy, Hill."

RAMALLAH, West Bank - As his presidential palace was being ransacked by Israeli troops last week, Arafat finally came up with what he believed to be a surefire plan to protect himself.

"You wouldn't kill a man with glasses, would you?"

Amazingly enough, the plan worked and Palestinian children fled into the streets and celebrated the only way they knew how...

"Sticks and stones may break our bones...But, um, will they ever take out a tank?"

Proving that the PLO believes in equal opportunity for women, their babes also took to the streets to celebrate and model their new fashions designed by "Donatella De Dynamite."

"Think you can get lucky with me, soldier?"

15 MINUTES OF FAME LAND - Speaking of explosions...

American Idol Kelly Clarkson's march to world domination has begun. Hide the women and children and the identity of anyone who actually bought the crap.

MILL VALLEY - Proving that a minimum-wage job is next to impossible to survive on, an employee at a KFC was arrested after a customer at the drive-in window received the wrong side order with his chicken dinner - some pot.

Authorities believe he may have been selling marijuana to customers who used the right secret word as a code. The secret word "munchies" also explained why the Mill Valley KFC is the top selling KFC in the country

The Horny Men's Club

This week: "Ask Lust"
St. LOUIS - Mark McGuire's comeback attempt fell short this week when his uniform didn't quite meet team specifications.

"I can still swing my bat!"

WASHINGTON D.C.- Will the man with the most charisma take one step forward and say something...anything.


Frankly, we long for the days of yesteryear, when charisma was really charisma and Shirley Hemphill was serving it up hot. "Hey, hey, hey."

"Rerun for President in 2004!"

WASHINGTON - Our skilled U.S. Government gave 48 classified documents to accused Sept. 11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui by mistake in what the judge called a grave security breach. (Gee, no kidding.)

"And you wonder how we got so far."

WASHINGTON - In spite of the security breach and two weeks after putting the nation on high alert, President Bush lowered the nationwide terror alert back to code yellow on Tuesday because of so-called disruptions in the al-Qaida terrorist network.

"I see no reason to dip into any more colors right now. We're cool. Status Quo. I'm gonna bomb something soon though. Then we change to red."

As long as he frees our peeps first!

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