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"Peace"
Whenever I hear about a "peace-keeping force," I wonder: If they're so interested in peace, why do they use force?" - George Carlin

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Golden Ass Awards

At a time when Americans should be coming together and understanding that the "whole" is more important than the individual parts that make it up, there have been a couple of blatant acts of blasphemy against society this past week, proving, once again, that self-centeredness, and a me-first mentality, is alive and well in America the Beautiful.

Let's give it up for our first bunch of philanthropists, the Garbage Men of Orange County, California, who went on strike this week, leaving over 400,000 homes and 35,000 businesses without service. The men were allegedly upset, not over working conditions or minimal pay, but because the flailing Anaheim Angels, owned by Disney, refused to don Orange County Garbage Men baseball caps (ala the New York Mets) in a show of solidarity for these hard working, educated G-Men. In their defense, the Angels, eliminated from playoff competition since early April, claim that their "hands are tied" and the caps are not within Disney's budget, due to having to pay injured first baseman, Mo Vaughn another 48 million so his fat ass can take up three parking spaces on the bench all over again next year. In an attempt to remedy the situation, the O.C.C.D. (Orange County Committee for Dunces) has offered to compensate their-heroic in their own right-garbage workers with all-expenses paid, one-way tickets straight to Afghanistan where they will have the privilege of digging potty holes for millions of starving refugees.
And it looks like Stevie Wonder's ex-girlfriend is going to be a refugee soon enough herself, unless she wins the 30 million dollar palimony suit she filed against Mr. Wonder this week, which is doubtful, because one of the people defending Mr. Bobble-Head is Mr. Johnny "I will cheat, lie, and defend anyone black with money" Cochran. A Golden Ass Award goes to Wonder's ex, Angela McAfee, for including a charge that the singer infected her with herpes, in addition to bailing out on his "promise" to financially support her for life. Hello??? How is the venerable Mr. Wonder supposed to know he has the virus? I don't think STD's can be detected by Braille, honey. Do the three words Bonnie Lee Bakley mean anything to you?

And the winner of the Golden Ass Award goes to Chubby Checker, who took out a full page ad in Billboard Magazine recently, arguing that he is one of rock n' rolls most important figures, and one of its most underappreciated. Boo-hoo. In the letter, Mr. Chubby Cheeks Checker demanded a statue of himself in the courtyard of Cleveland's Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame and Museum. (Of course, no other statue exists there.) If he doesn't get his bronze monument, the one-hit wonder says he'll refuse induction into the venue (no one has voted him in yet) and offer his likeness to Hormel's National Museum of Spam in Minnesota. In the letter, Checker says he believes he is "bigger than the Beatles, or God, for that matter," and deserves to be remembered for his unsurpassed contribution to rock n' roll history, and his Greatest Hits album, which retails on Amazon.com for a whopping $4.97 and ranks at the stellar position of 14,577. Some of the amazingly original songs on the album include: The Twist, Let's Twist Again, Twist it Up, Slow Twistin', Forever Twistin', Limbo Rock, Let's Limbo Some More, Limbo it Up, Slow Limbo, and of course the memorable, Do the Freddie. While the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame has not offered Mr. Geri Curl Checker a statue, or an induction of any kind, it has offered him a one-way ticket to Afghanistan so he can shed some of his love and entertainment on the Taliban Troops. No word on whether the Taliban will offer any women or goats for him to "knock up" for his payment.
And speaking of terrorists, or directly to them: If you winning humanists have to launch an attack on anyone else in the U.S., may you spare innocent people and lend your towels only to the good-scavenger folks (read: asses) on kayaks camped out in McCovey Cove, who wait like seagulls to fish out Barry Bonds record setting homerun.

Moral of the Week:

Remember, just because it's America and we're number one!!!!!
it doesn't mean that you have to be an ass willing to sell your soul on E-Bay.
 
   
 
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