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This Week

FOX'S new sitcom:
The Nuke Bunch

Doprah Book Club Recommends:
Anything Not by Dr. Phil
The Day of Laughter is::

LOS ANGELES - After watching Rick "Da Thug" Fox get pummeled by Doug Christie during the final preseason game between the Lakers and Kings, it's pretty clear that Fox has appeared on one too many episodes of HBO's Oz. And quite evident, from his faux karate kick in the tunnel, that he never received any fight training on the set. Next time Fox may be better off if he picks on someone his own size--an actor.

"So I'm not a big tough method actor...but my wife's hotter than yours."

MALIBU 5-0 - When Nick Nolte was arrested last month for driving under the influence, the drug in his system was GHB, a drug known in nightclubs as ''the date-rape drug.''

"I was just weak and lonely and would have paid to get raped."

Unfortunately, Nolte only found one taker...the kids from Jackass the Movie.

"Nick was a great sport and a fine actor. You could never tell that he actually didn't like the elephant c*ck in him."

BEVERLY HILLS - Winona's trial is finally about to get underway and that means she has bailiffs really confused...

"Shit...who dressed you for this trial? A homeless person?"

"I just want to be loved..."

"Ah, Judge, I can do that. Grant the young hot fox a dismissal and I will personally see to it that the only thing she ever swipes again will be my track-marked Fruit of the Looms for washing.

This is a major blank space, due to the fact that the story (on Ass-Profiling in Daytona Beach) that was here is going to be in a "major publication" some time in the forseeable future and we are going to get fifty-whopping bucks for having the privilege of it being in such an esteemed publication. In the future, we here at Comedy Ave. vow to never stick anything on our website which may be used in a magazine and we promise to write it on the blackboard 100 times after school today. Our humblest apologies for making the folks at said magazine "gob-struck."

WASHINGTON D.C. - President Bush's annual physical showed that the president has a resting heart rate of 44 beats per minute, putting him in the range of elite marathoners, and a 14.5% body fat. In response the president said...

"I try to go for longer runs, but it's tough around here at the White House on the outdoor track. It's sad that I can't run longer. It's one of the saddest things about the presidency."

Obviously his priorities are in excellent order. Oh yeah, wonder where the economy, health care, Kyoto Treaty, etc, etc, fit in?

After his priority check, Bush followed Mt. Everest's eruption with a silent one of his own.

"He who smelt it, dealt it."

Mired in his own stench, we can only ask...


"Hahahahaha, American humor very good."

Take Note :
We here at Comedy Ave. do not play sides when it comes to politicians. To us, they are all wonderful whores, ripe for comic fodder.

"I just hope you're not talking about me. I am friends with all trees and people alike."

SOUTH KOREA- South Korean troops who were recently filled in on the news that North Korea possesses nuclear weapons still had only one thing on their minds after a long day of training...

"Dog for lunch!!!!! Yippee!"

NEW YORK - Speaking of dogs...

"Woof, woof!"

Lizzie Grubman, the publicity princess who made headlines for flying into a rage and smashing her father's Mercedes SUV into a crowd outside a swanky club in the Hamptons, calling the bouncers "white trash," starts her jail sentence this week...If there's such a thing as "The Prison Bitch Fairy" she'd better be praying to one: "Dear Prison Bitch Fairy, please don't allow my nails to crack or my precious cooch to be violated..."

"Like R. Kelly, I once believed I could fly."

ANAHEIM - After 42 long years, the Singing Cowboy's Angels finally came through and won the World Series sending Barry Bonds, and the French chef he keeps stowed away in the locker room, somewhere other than Disneyland...

"Next year, ya may want to go with Benihana, Barry."

SAN FRANCISCO - On hand for the ceremonial pitch in S.F. three legends and a horny crook that just won't back down.

"Hey Cal, did Pete tell you he was betting his Viagra on this one?"

And we're not quite sure whether Eddie Murphy got to see the World Series...now that he wants to be Stevie Wonder...

"This way, next time I pick up a transvestite, I'll have a good excuse. My Cherie Amour..."

MARTHAVILLE - Hey Martha, what's that ya got cookin'?

"This is my steaming hot pot of 'I'm in deep shit without a roll of TP to wipe my dirty ass up with.' "

Mickey just won't go away...

"Who's the leader of the Club that's NOT made for you or me...M-A-R-T-H-A...L-O-U-S-E."

YOUR TOWN - Do you think this guy is petrified of Halloween, Aka Hoodlum Flight Night.

"It's always the same: Like a cheap hooker, I start out looking all dolled up and then end up splattered on the pavement by some serial f*cker."

The Horny Men's Club

This week: More "Ask Lust"...
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