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The Day of Laughter is
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Campaign Results - 2002

"The lord shined down on our party this week and now with the power of Jesus Christ, we are armed and ready to deal with every Evildoer--and that whacked-out pitchman Carrot Top."

MASSACHUSETTS
- After losing his Senate Majority Leader gig, when Vermont Senator James Jeffords defected from the Republican party last year, Trent Lott is back in his saddle and this time he claims after a steady diet of Preparation-H he is "humbled" and ready to ride to the rescue. "I'm not in a gloating sort of mood," the Mass. Senator said. "I'm in a mood of getting some results." First result he'd like to get accomplished is more tax cuts for the wealthy, so Dick Cheney can afford a new workout suit...

Apparently, it was just the comic relief Donny Rumsfeld and a German Defense Minister, contemplating world suicide, needed.

FLORIDA - And many kudos to "friend of all the Floridian voting machines" and the motherf*cker who still can't get them in working order...

"If you can hear me now, God, please let me know how you would like me to proceed."

God weighed in...

"Can you hear ME now, Jebbie? The team is ready to roll! So the only thing we need you to do: Fix those goddamn voting machines before 2004 or I'm telling mom."

WASHINGTON - And on the way to 2004, with no Democrats to blame for the country's troubles, Dubya realizes it is high-time he gets past his extreme case of fumble-itis...

"Crap, Barney, hold still...And you're a lot lighter than that big economy. Or in Mexican: El Grande de dinero up creeko."

And to prove that there's one thing that Dubya will just not fumble like his daddy done did...On a day when the Iraqis said they will comply with the UN draft, the US went ahead anyway and planned for an Iraqi party-crashing committee of 250,000...just in case.

"Let's get this f*cking show on the road already! CNN and the people of America need war to get their minds off less important things--like their livelihoods."

SANTA FE - New Mexico voters went to the polls to decide on whether they want ''idiots'' and ''insane persons'' to vote in their state. Under the state's Constitution, drafted in 1912, ''idiots'' and ''insane persons,'' are currently prohibited from voting--which, if enacted in Florida, would preclude the entire state.

"The people of Florida are just happy we finally have a sister state."

NOTE: Unfortunately, New Mexico votes have yet to be counted, as some insane idiot lost them all.
Entertainment Headlines

BEVERLY HILLS - And the Queen of Klepto was convicted on two of three counts this past week, and without a rock star nearby to "comfort" her, she had no choice but to turn to her defense attorney to make beautiful music with...

"So, my overture starts when I play the spoons for you and ends when you see what went wrong with the penis extension."

MARTHAVILLE- Martha Stewart plays her favorite childhood game and eyes her next catch...

Martha: "Baldy, duck, goose..."
Duck: "Goose! You landed on Goose! Spare me puhleeze, Martha! "

LOS ANGELES - R.I.P. "Dr. Smith, Dr. Smith!" Actor Jonathan Harris, from Lost in Space, leaves behind three cats, two wiener dogs and one special place in his heart for a Robot he never got to disassemble...

"He was a lot of metal and a big mouth. Every time I tried to sneak a peek at Will Robinson in his dressing room, the fat-head was there to sound the warning."

BEVERLY HILLS - News of Sharon Osbourne's new deal to host her OWN talk show had hubby Ozzie jumping right out of his Hanes -

"F*ck that!...Me package does feel better in Hanes, though."

HOLLYWOOD - Sources confirm that Ben Affleck has presented Jennifer Lopez with two gifts she'll never forget: an engagement pink-diamond solitaire (he chose himself!) and a case of the clap.

"With this diamond and herpes, I do thee wed..."

CLEVELAND - Props for the following bands, who were voted into the music Hall of Fame this week: The Clash, Elvis Costello and the Attractions, AC/DC, the Righteous Brothers and the Police--not the same ones who inducted Whitney Houston's husband Bobby Brown into the Dope Heads Hall of Shame after he was busted YET again.

"I guess I'll have to get my props from Johnnie Cochran."

SANTA CLARA - In honor of his conservation work, a scientist has named a Central American ant after movie star Harrison Ford.

"Psst. Psst. It's me, Harrison Ford. Throw a dude a crumb? Or a meaty acting role."

FYI: The ant now known as the "Pheidole harrisonfordi" was formerly known as the Pheidole whothefuckcares.
Other Crap

SAN FRANCISCO - In a groundbreaking moment for all primitives and humans alike, Koko, California's famous ''talking'' gorilla, is breaking into song! Yes, that's right, the 31-year-old gorilla, who is said to have mastered some 1,000 terms in American sign language, has ''written'' lyrics for a new album which is due in stores next week. Meaning the competition between Koko and American Idol Kelly Clarkson should be fierce.

''The songs show a real depth of emotion. She's a complex person,'' said Jennifer Patterson, commenting on Koko, not Clarkson.

The album, entitled ''Fine Animal Gorilla'' after Koko's term for herself, runs the gamut of musical styles from low intensity rap and reggae to lullabies. While Koko herself does not sing on the album (no, really???), she did sign off on the song lyrics and delivery--to be performed by another group of Gorillas...


'We pretty much run all our lyrics by Koko,'' adroit album producer Skip Haynes said. Some may recognize Haynes as being the same producer who helped put the "Milli" in Vanilli.

He continued his idolizing: ''Now, she's getting to the point where she actually listens to different mixes and tells us what mix she likes.''

Haynes, himself, has actually gotten to the point where he listens to the different voices in his head, all apparently saying one thing: You are a complete f*cking MORON--which goes for anyone else who actually buys this chest-thumping CD at $14 a pop.


"I can count on one hand the amount of record producers I have been f*cked by, and number one finger says: Skip Haynes. "

Koko is getting a lot of street-cred from big stars in the music industry...

"With Koko, I think I've finally found someone who I could work with who won't judge me strictly on the basis of my musical talent, but more likely on the basis of how I give gorilla head."

MELBOURNE - According to the minister responsible for water restrictions, Australians hit by one of the worst droughts in a century should ''find a sympathetic friend'' and shower together to save thousands of liters of water...In a related announcement, the American Minister of Traffic has asked that all SUV drivers should also find a sympathetic friend and drive yourselves to the next Oil War in the Middle East.

"G'day, mate. The only things we fight over Down Under is the water supply, beer and the beautiful ladies..."

"Why thank you, Croc. You can come visit my 'down under' any time."


The Horny Men's Club

This week: "Bitchfest"
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