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NEWS FLASH!
Robert Blake Popped

Currently in a nasty battle to save his job and stay on for a second term as the Los Angeles Police Chief, Bernard Parks, in an effort to prove to the people of L.A. that he is doing his job efficiently, masterminded the arrest of ROBERT BLAKE for the murder of BONNY LEE BAKLEY... after only one year. This has got to be the world record for the quickest arrest, right? With police work like this who needs criminals? We say: Bernard Parks for L.A.
Police Chief, now & forever!
WASHINGTON D.C. - This week, president George W. Bush came out against all aspects of cloning, saying: "If anything went wrong in the process, it could be disasterable." See evidence below.

"Hey wait a minute, you're not as smart as me."
- The Monkey

Bush also came out and defended the Catholic church this week, saying that priests only needed to add one thing to their daily routines in order to lower their testosterone and help them resist the urge to copulate with young boys.

"Da-kind, bra. Resisting the urge to munch-out is up to you, of course."

Afterwards, Bush rushed off to an oval office meeting with Edmund Stoiber, a leading opposition candidate with the Christian Social Union party in Germany. The president had a hard go of keeping a straight face when Stoiber noticed the Official Oval Office bong and asked what it was used for."

"It's definitely used for inhaling, I can tell you that, Major Hochstetter.""

NEW YORK - New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg was branded poster boy for NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws) this week after a comment he made in a 2001 magazine article surfaced. Bloomberg was quoted as saying he had smoked marijuana and liked it.


Bloomberg was not happy that the words came back to haunt him, and said that all city marijuana laws will continue to be strictly enforced. He also let it be known that he is introducing a bill that would make it mandatory to have a Ms. Fields on every street corner.

In other New York drug news, a 12-year-old boy from Nigeria swallowed 87 condoms filled with heroin, flew to New York and became sick before meeting whoever had promised him $1,900 to act as a contraband courier.

The good news: Authorities say that 85 of the 87 balloons have left his system…The bad news: All 85 balloons are missing, as is Ozzy Osbourne.

Over at MTV, led by the incoherent mumblings of its star (I sense an Emmy), The Osbournes are so popular that the network is now getting set to launch their first reality-type movie--Real World: Britney's Panties revolves around a disgruntled cast member who steals all the cameras and trains them on Britney Spears' lingerie drawer 24/7.

After he was found in a subway station bathroom stall, Mr. Osbourne admitted he was pissed off that the movie wasn't going to be centered around his underwear drawer, but then he had a moment of clarity when he remembered he doesn't wear any. Hanes promptly dropped him as a spokesmodel.

"I just wanted to say, fuck, Hanes! I'm a TV star now. Boo-yah!"
SOME OFFICE BUILDING - C-SPAN has decided to jump on the docu-reality-staged-drama bandwagon themselves, and will soon be rolling out their first series, Crapping With the President.

They hope the show, centered around the First Family's bathrooms, will attract the majority of television viewers, who of course have a taste for nothing but crap.

"We're just like any average American Dream family when it comes to crap, we embody it."

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. - Speaking of political-poo, Republican leaders thought it was a joke when Richard M. Nixon walked in, plopped down $1,400 and said he wanted to run for state agriculture commissioner. But no joke here, as the real-life 41-year-old Richard Milton Nixon promised that if he is elected as the agriculture commish, there will be no "Deep Throat" in the picture, only "Deep Dung."


HOLLYWOOD - Will the real President Chris please stand-up? Chris Rock is getting set for his directing debut in a movie in which he'll also star about the first African-American president. The catch? Chris Tucker is planning to do the same on his own project. No word on which candidate will win the race to reach the multi-plexes first, but both candidates can rest assured: Jesse Jackson will not beat them to the punch.

"I am going to run on the Wish Platform, and wish that I was White."

LAS VEGAS - Another Rock in the news, Kid Rock, is getting married to Pamela Anderson, which just begs the question: Will we be subjected to another home video episode of the Love Boat, with Kid not "measuring up" to Tommy Lee standards and instead searching the musty "waters" for a mysterious strain of hepatitis C? Yuck. So you'd still do her?

"So we're skanky. Get over it."

MOUNT ANGEL, Ore. - They say happy cows are more productive cows, so Arie Jongeneel is hoping his herd of Holsteins, resplendent on their water beds, will bring forth a dairy deluge akin to Yasser Arafat's clientele when he opens up a day care center in hell.

Jongeneel, who is experimenting with 15 specially made waterbeds for his herd, has been a dairy farmer for 32 years and is joining farmers in Europe and elsewhere who claim that such bovine pampering pays off.

Also getting paid off to assist in the operation, and heading for a milking (for once) herself, Anna Nicole Smith promises to love her fellow cows no matter how much milk they make.

"Water beds, Anna Nicole Smith...Must I ever be slaughtered?"

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HEAVEN - After actress Halle Berry suffered through a half-hour procedure to remove debris that lodged in her eye from a special effects mishap on the set of the new Bond movie, she finally got it right--she thanked the one person she forgot to at the Academy Awards: God!

When reached for a comment, God said: "Halle is OK for now. Sure, there was some friction between the two of us after the Oscars, but I believe she now recognizes her mistake and understands who she should really be "servicing" for the parts she receives. Remember: God giveth, and I can just as easily take it away, sistah."

"I sure hope he let's me do the sequel."
"Ever thought about waiving
that anti-nudity clause in your contract?"

LOS ANGELES - Wetting their pants over the May. 16th premiere of the next installment of Star Wars, fanatics are once again doing the "line thing", making them synonymous with actor Robert Downey Jr.

"Oh, man...What can I say? I saw the line outside the theater, and then the bindle in my pocket...My nose just couldn't help itself."

JERUSALEM - An El Al airline pilot abandoned his planeload of New York-bound passengers Monday, refusing to fly because his friend could not be found a first-class seat. His friend (pictured below) said he had no clue why he wasn't accommodated.

"If I can't make it to New York, I can't make it anywhere."

BROOKSVILLE, Fla. - A murder suspect who hung herself in a Florida jail left a suicide note asking her lawyer to sue the jail for failing to prevent her from killing herself. A spokesman for the company that operates the jail, said: ''If somebody is so determined to commit suicide then it's hard to stop them.'' We can only hope Yasser Arafat is paying close attention.

When asked what he wanted to accomplish in his meeting with Arafat over the weekend, Colin Powell did a little boogie step and replied, "I just want to push it (Arafat), push it real good."

"Right over the edge."

NEW YORK - Also subscribing to the "Push it Real Good" doctrine, former mayor Rudolph Giuliani.

"Here, let me help you. That first step is a doozy, Hil, but after that, trust me, you won't feel a thing."
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